Playing Down....need some help.

[Easton33]

My youngest dd is 12, turning 13 soon, when she is playing to her abilities she is really good. The problem I having is when she plays for lesser teams (school ball), she plays down to their level. Lack of effort, sloppiness, and goofing way too much. Her JH coaches have never seen her at her top level and at her worst she is still one of the best out there. (She knows that too) JH will not be involved in high school ball, totally different coaching staff and she performs for the HS coach on his TB team. She catches for the start HS pitcher at pitching practice. I am realistic about sports, play to win and you are gonna lose some but the 1 thing I can't stand is lack of effort. Always do your best no matter how good or bad that is. Anyway, I have explained this many times and after last nights performance, I am lost as to what it takes or what I should do. Her mom doesn't get to make games often and last night she saw her play. My wife cried, it was that bad and that obvious, not blubbering but it hurt to watch her play like that. Seriously, all the way from throwing ball in the dirt to pitcher 15' away to missing easy warm up pop flies, not to mention ball from catcher hitting her glove and going to center field. Errored on last play of the game to give the win to other team. So have any of you ran into this before, how did you fix it? Is playing down with these girls affecting her game/mentality that much?

 

[njx2]

If you feel that it is affecting your dd's mentality and game, I would pull her off the team. The point of JH ball is really just to play with your friends, get extra time on the diamond, and have fun. I would keep travel ball as your main focus, because college scouts don't usually come to JH games looking for their next star player. Just my thoughts.. Goodluck!

 

[JJsqueeze]

My youngest dd is 12, turning 13 soon, when she is playing to her abilities she is really good. The problem I having is when she plays for lesser teams (school ball), she plays down to their level. Lack of effort, sloppiness, and goofing way too much. Her JH coaches have never seen her at her top level and at her worst she is still one of the best out there. (She knows that too) JH will not be involved in high school ball, totally different coaching staff and she performs for the HS coach on his TB team. She catches for the start HS pitcher at pitching practice. I am realistic about sports, play to win and you are gonna lose some but the 1 thing I can't stand is lack of effort. Always do your best no matter how good or bad that is. Anyway, I have explained this many times and after last nights performance, I am lost as to what it takes or what I should do. Her mom doesn't get to make games often and last night she saw her play. My wife cried, it was that bad and that obvious, not blubbering but it hurt to watch her play like that. Seriously, all the way from throwing ball in the dirt to pitcher 15' away to missing easy warm up pop flies, not to mention ball from catcher hitting her glove and going to center field. Errored on last play of the game to give the win to other team. So have any of you ran into this before, how did you fix it? Is playing down with these girls affecting her game/mentality that much?

one of my DDs does the same thing...she plays to the level of her competition and loses focus easily..I tried the strong arm approach and that didn't work so now I am taking a really soft approach and that seems to be doing better. I am showing no frustration regardless of what she does and I can see that she is starting to do things for herself much more.

 

[James Smith]

DD has some similar habits as the OP. JH is a short season and she will be back to form in a couple weeks after the season is over. I would not want her to go right from JH to a tryout but as long as there is a little time I think DD will be fine.

 

[humpty]

We haven't came to this point yet but I tell my DD if your not giving 100% effort then I'm not gonna pay for it.

 

[RubberBiscuit]

So I have allot of "been there & done that" to offer:

1. NEVER, and I mean NEVER, as a real male dad, think you can understand the psychie of a teenage girl. (got to set this stage correctly)
2. It has been my experience with my DD, and I think I have seen the same thing with other players, is that if they do not have the passion to excel that they will not. Sounds like one of the two magical pieces of the puzzle are "there" for your DD - she has some special sports skills. The second NEED is for DD to have a goal that drives her to want to perform. (until my DD had the goal of shooting for the highest heights in this sport - making a D1 college team - she was doing the same sort of things you refer to.) So to review, the first thing has got to be the skills to build on and the second is "the goal", THAT YOU ALSO SUPPORT HER IN BELIEVING IT'S ACHIEVABLE.
3. The military or strong-arm approach failed miserably for me too. Don't go there.
4. The approach of being more critical of her skills vs support through praise for accomplishment was a HUGE advancement in creating an environment for DD to thrive and want to do better. (not being fake and giving daddy participation trophies but truly acknowledging good results from good work)

In our little town there are way too many little goals for too many girls. My DD had been laughed at for thinking she could get a D1 ride by both hs schoolmates and sexist hs gym teachers. She had a tough time staying focused with the negativity she got from the outside and unfortunately during a period from me too (unintentionally - I was being male dumb thinking I was motivating her...). It was a beautiful personal achievement that nobody can take away from DD when she achieved her goal. EVERY kid should work towards such a hard fought goal.

 

[starsnuffer]

This is very very common in young ladies. I'm probably going to get blasted for saying this, but I'm really not making it up. It's basic psychology. Girls, for the most part, have a deep desire to fit in. Boys, for the most part, have a deep desire to compete.

If you put a bunch of boys together (say, on a team), they will inherently try to outdo one another. This is because, at a very primal level, they have evolved in order to get the food and get the mate.

If you put a bunch of girls together, they will inherently try to fit in and figure out where they belong in the group. This is because, at a very primal level, they have evolved in order to form a functioning community that can provide for itself and its children.

What you want from your softball player, is for her to buck her instincts and take control. By doing so, you're basically asking her to ostracize herself from the group. You're asking her to set the bar high and have her make her friends and teammates look bad. For a parent and a coach, this is a very good thing to want, but you have to understand what you're asking her to do from her perspective.

Some girls do this anyway. You'll hear coaches talk about them, and call them "studs". Interesting how they use a male term, but that's really what these kids have become, the alpha of their pack.

Now, all this pseudo-chauvinistic drivel aside, there is nothing wrong with girls or boys acting one way or another. You're not asking them to do the impossible and you're not asking them to do anything masculine or feminine. We're way beyond that as a society. The only thing you're asking is that they go against their instincts and stand out and be different.

Being different is sometimes a very tough thing for a kid to do. The vast majority of people on this planet never learn this. This is what separates the sheeple from the people, so while it can be a very awesome lesson for a kid to learn, you also can't fault them from being just like the vast majority of people on the planet if they don't.

Now that I've said all that and I'm sure to receive flack for it, my suggestion to you is to just take it for what it's worth: A social experience for your kid. Make sure she's never the best kid on team for any teams that you have control over, and you'll be making sure that she always has a goal to achieve. For the teams you have no control over, just let her enjoy her time. Her desire and her goals will come into play on their own. Make sure she plays for them. . her goals, not your goals.

-W

 

[JJsqueeze]

This is very very common in young ladies. I'm probably going to get blasted for saying this, but I'm really not making it up. It's basic psychology. Girls, for the most part, have a deep desire to fit in. Boys, for the most part, have a deep desire to compete.

If you put a bunch of boys together (say, on a team), they will inherently try to outdo one another. This is because, at a very primal level, they have evolved in order to get the food and get the mate.

If you put a bunch of girls together, they will inherently try to fit in and figure out where they belong in the group. This is because, at a very primal level, they have evolved in order to form a functioning community that can provide for itself and its children.

What you want from your softball player, is for her to buck her instincts and take control. By doing so, you're basically asking her to ostracize herself from the group. You're asking her to set the bar high and have her make her friends and teammates look bad. For a parent and a coach, this is a very good thing to want, but you have to understand what you're asking her to do from her perspective.

Some girls do this anyway. You'll hear coaches talk about them, and call them "studs". Interesting how they use a male term, but that's really what these kids have become, the alpha of their pack.

Now, all this pseudo-chauvinistic drivel aside, there is nothing wrong with girls or boys acting one way or another. You're not asking them to do the impossible and you're not asking them to do anything masculine or feminine. We're way beyond that as a society. The only thing you're asking is that they go against their instincts and stand out and be different.

Being different is sometimes a very tough thing for a kid to do. The vast majority of people on this planet never learn this. This is what separates the sheeple from the people, so while it can be a very awesome lesson for a kid to learn, you also can't fault them from being just like the vast majority of people on the planet if they don't.

Now that I've said all that and I'm sure to receive flack for it, my suggestion to you is to just take it for what it's worth: A social experience for your kid. Make sure she's never the best kid on team for any teams that you have control over, and you'll be making sure that she always has a goal to achieve. For the teams you have no control over, just let her enjoy her time. Her desire and her goals will come into play on their own. Make sure she plays for them. . her goals, not your goals.

-W

Sorry to disappoint...no flack here....I agree with you about 100%. I always think it's weird that the term "stud" is used for these girls it is actually a little icky as a term...yeah I said ICKY.....it is because we have not developed a female version of this word.

 

[starsnuffer]

I'll add to this by saying that, in my experience, somewhere between the ages of 13-15 a kid makes an unconscious decision to either play softball, or become a softball player. If and when she makes this decision, you will see everything change, and she will be the source of her own motivation. Not every kid makes this decision, and not every kid makes it at the same time. Your best teams are made up of the kids who have made this decision, and that is really what perpetrates the 14u teams from the 16u and 18u teams. The game isn't that much different, but the commitment and effort required is.

-W

 

[Classof2020]

Phew Starsnuffer you might get a raft of crud for that. But I think you are probably close to the truth for the AVERAGE boy and girl.

My girls are both cut from slightly different cloth than your example. One is not interested in competing like you say, but also not interested in following the flock - follows the beat of her own drum for sure.

Then the other one is my softball player and she wants to shine and leave everyone else in her wake. She doesn't get it from me. But she has to hold herself back to try and be part of the group. Because she is so competitive she always wants to be the first even in a warm-up run, she wants to throw the hardest, and the farthest, and she wants to win every contest - even if it is a contest she makes up in her own head. She is more competitive than her older brother and it is nothing she has been taught. Just wired to push herself and try to be the best. I'm guessing there are lots of other girls playing softball wired like that too.