Going through a tough time

[maksoftball]

DD is struggling with "mental toughness". She broke down last night in tears saying she didn't know what she wanted to do. Finally came out that she is scared to death and wasn't sure if she is ready for it (i.e. mental toughing). We talked more at length about it, and I reassured her that she didn't have to do D1...and that there were plenty of D2, D3, NAIA and JUCO schools that we can consider. But I also stated that education is first, and right now the best engineering schools (within our state) are D1. She said wouldn't accept less (she is very competitive and strives to be the best) but that she was terrified of the level that D1 is (even though she plays very competitively). All I could say is that we would be there every step of the way, and that we would explore all options. AND I told her that she NEEDS to communicate with her coaches about softball. She hasn't performed at her level the last couple of tournaments, and she is giving herself a VERY hard time about it. She doesn't want to ask the coaches to put in a good word for her for an upcoming camp because she feels like she hasn't proven herself. I can't make her talk to her coaches, but I have emphasized what she could potentially lose if she doesn't. And that it's not fair to assume what her coaches think of her. This cartoon describes DD to a T:

 

[InsidePitch]

I don't think this is unique to you and your family or even Softball. Trying to balance their goals, expectations and the realities associated with a tough major would be a lot of weight to carry at 16-17.

 

[CoogansBluff]

Many times when kids start getting overwhelmed with this stuff it's a fear of letting somebody down. It could be parents, friends, teachers, coaches - anybody that she cares about who she feels has certain expectations of her. She may fear she can't please them all, that somebody will think less of her if she makes a certain choice.

Another source of undue stress can come from a kind of snobbery that some people perpetuate when comparing schools academically or athletically. Why is it so important to attend the best school or play for the best team or highest level? There are lots of kids playing D-II and even D-III who are better than D-I players. Who cares?

My hope for my daughter, if she continues to want to play in college, is that she finds a school and team where she can fit in and be herself and not feel pressure to be something she isn't. I think the 'level' of play, or even level of academics, are overrated. It's what is inside the kid and what she makes of situations, not the school or team, that matters, so the goal is to find a school and team that will allow her to be true to herself and thrive. Not a school and team that looks good to people on the outside.

 

[maksoftball]

Another source of undue stress can come from a kind of snobbery that some people perpetuate when comparing schools academically or athletically. Why is it so important to attend the best school or play for the best team or highest level? There are lots of kids playing D-II and even D-III who are better than D-I players. Who cares?

My hope for my daughter, if she continues to want to play in college, is that she finds a school and team where she can fit in and be herself and not feel pressure to be something she isn't. I think the 'level' of play, or even level of academics, are overrated. It's what is inside the kid and what she makes of situations, not the school or team, that matters, so the goal is to find a school and team that will allow her to be true to herself and thrive. Not a school and team that looks good to people on the outside.

I couldn't agree more. I tried to convey this message to her, but she is determined to play for certain D1 schools. I tried to explain to her that it would fit her better academically to go with a D3 or NAIA school. However, she argues back that the better engineering programs ARE D1, and I can't argue with her on that one. So her reasoning has nothing to do with "snobbery", but more along the lines of what is being reported as the better engineering program. I also can see what you are saying that the "level" is over-rated; however, the statistics don't lie when you look at the hire rate of engineering graduates from D1 schools compared to the D3 or NAIA schools.

There is one D3 school that likes DD, but they don't have engineering. She loves the campus/school, but can't look at them seriously because of this.

She is only a sophomore, but these days, that means the clock is ticking and the pressure is on. Poor kid. I told her to just get through the 3 camps we have lined up this winter...then she can breathe and play HS ball without all the pressure to perform at the "D1" level. I also said to just be herself and have fun...the rest will fall into place. I swear...if we survive this phase, we will be the strongest people on the planet. LOL!

 

[CoogansBluff]

Here's an article I posted a while back about another aspiring engineer that you might find interesting. Not saying yours shouldn't play in college, but she might relate to this girl.

http://www.discussfastpitch.com/sof...ose-not-play-college-softball.html#post261646

 

[AndyS]

I couldn't agree more. I tried to convey this message to her, but she is determined to play for certain D1 schools. I tried to explain to her that it would fit her better academically to go with a D3 or NAIA school. However, she argues back that the better engineering programs ARE D1, and I can't argue with her on that one. So her reasoning has nothing to do with "snobbery", but more along the lines of what is being reported as the better engineering program. I also can see what you are saying that the "level" is over-rated; however, the statistics don't lie when you look at the hire rate of engineering graduates from D1 schools compared to the D3 or NAIA schools.

There is one D3 school that likes DD, but they don't have engineering. She loves the campus/school, but can't look at them seriously because of this.

She is only a sophomore, but these days, that means the clock is ticking and the pressure is on. Poor kid. I told her to just get through the 3 camps we have lined up this winter...then she can breathe and play HS ball without all the pressure to perform at the "D1" level. I also said to just be herself and have fun...the rest will fall into place. I swear...if we survive this phase, we will be the strongest people on the planet. LOL!

The thing my DD and I learned is cast a wide net. She went into the process thinking one thing and absolutely fell in love with another. In reality she went into it with criteria so narrow there were practically no fits. Just by way of context, my DD's criteria was academically elite university with a biology program, on the ocean in a warm climate, and DI. This led her to her first compromise (warm weather) and that was a serious look at the Ivys. Not warm but fairly close to the ocean. She seriously considered one but she is now committed to a D3 school on the shores of Lake Michigan and she could not be more happy!! And per one of my other posts she is now looking at at a dual major based on what her school offers. So all I am saying is keep a very very open mind and cast a wide net. It is amazing how much our DDs have to decide that effects the rest of their lives at a young age. Obviously you have to balance that against your absolutes. For my DD the absolutes were elite academic school with a biology program.

So is she considering engineering schools outside of her state? Or is that one of the absolutes?

 

[maksoftball]

So is she considering engineering schools outside of her state? Or is that one of the absolutes?

We live in Texas, so we engineering programs are plentiful. But because Texas is such a big state, going out of state is like going out of the country!! She wants to be close to home, for sure. That much we have determined. She is looking at New Mexico, Oklahoma and Louisiana as well.

 

[jinjet95]

My DD went through something similar a year ago. She got so confused as to what she was supposed to do, wanted to do, and could do that she panicked and decided she wasn't going to do anything. She had several offers from D1 and DII schools and just let them go. She decided at the beginning of her junior year season that she wasn't going to play at all anymore. As difficult as it was, we accepted her decision and kept our feelings to ourselves, no matter how difficult it was. We met a very special softball coach who asked DD to fill in once in awhile for his summer team. She agreed to do so last fall and had a really good time. She's a middle infielder, but has always been drawn to catching. He told her that if she wanted to play on his team for the summer, she could be his catcher. Not something most coaches would be willing to do at 18U, but it was more important to him that she enjoy the game than it was to have a stud catcher and he firmly believed she could do it. She played for him this last summer as his starting catcher. I'm not going to tell you she was the best catcher, she wasn't, but she held her own and had a great time. She is athletic enough that she was halfway decent behind the plate. By not having pressure put on her, she was able to think things through on her own. As I posted in another thread, DD signed her NLI last week to a DII school she had not considered a year ago. She visited the campus last summer for a junior day camp and fell in love with the school and the program. Your DD may have not found her perfect fit yet if she is still this conflicted. Good luck to you and your DD. I hope things fall into place for both of you.

 

[Greenmonsters]

Does she feel that she needs softball to get into and/or afford school? Is she looking at softball as a means to an end? That can make it seem more like a job than a joy (i.e., something they have to do v. something they want to do), which can create pressure and self doubt when it seems like everything is riding on her on-field performance.

IMO, expanding the location criteria and looking at non-DI schools would significantly increase the number of potential fits, for example, there are a number of top notch schools w/ engineering programs here in the NE (Ivies and D3s) that offer a wide range of softball competency (Tufts is the 2-time defending D3 national champ).

IMO, elite academic schools with elite sports programs that afford their athletes the opportunity to take full advantage of the academic experience are more common at the D3 level than D1.

 

[qsort]

For what it's worth, Swarthmore is an excellent DIII school with an engineering program...and they have a softball team. I have a relative who went there and is now a EE prof at an Ivy.