Does DD Need a Break? 12U -- 99

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Mar 18, 2012
16
0
California
So...DD is moving up to 14U next season. She had a rough Spring for her first year of travel ball. We signed up with a new coach/team who saw DD play the previous winterball season (can't brag enough about our undefeated season with her as starting pitcher :)). He didn't want a tryout and just wanted her. Told us it wasn't Daddy Ball...Told us every girl would earn her position. Etc...and the year was hell. Total daddy ball - players in positions they shouldn't have been in based on if the parents played nice or not. I loved the parents and the girls...it was the coaching that bothered me. My daughter didn't connect and didn't learn a thing. Except that we needed to research and bail if a team wasn't working out. I hate how stagnant her year was for her as far as skills go. We had a short break and were supposed to come back for fall-ball but most of the team had moved on and the team has disbanded within the last few weeks.

At this point I'm looking for a team to test the waters with for fall-ball. She's got to move up next spring and I want to make sure she bonds with a team that she can rely on. Coaches that she can learn from. She has a presence on the field that I really enjoy watching.

She had a private try-out with another team who will not use her to pitch. Her speed isn't where it needs to be...but they like her defense and hitting and say if she can be ready to pitch, she will get some time on the mound. This is fine as it gives her a solid goal to improve and maybe she'll get to play another position that she can own. I'm completely OKAY with her not being a rockstar pitcher as long as she can contribute and as long as she has a team behind her that will work just as hard. They want her....and I agreed.

My problem now is Disneyland Dad. He has lived anywhere from 60 to 500 miles away. Right now he's about an hour away...closest he's been in many years. He made it to 2 games this last season....but he did take her to softball camp for a week, which was closer to his house. He is telling me that DD needs a break. That he's tired of seeing her cry because she's not on a "good team". That I push her too much. He will not help financially (he rarely does, anyways). And I'm afraid he's going to put a bug in her ear about taking a break. I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to Disneyland Dad. I don't want to argue with him....I just want him to understand that I didn't do the research last season. I feel like I need to start looking NOW.

DD has mentioned to me that she doesn't have time to hang out with girls from school. She has mentioned that she wanted to maybe try soccer or volleyball during the fall (not even sure if those are options). So...Disneyland Dad could really sway her if he tried. Am I being stubborn? Will it hurt her to take fall-ball off? We've been playing every season since she was 9. Spring-Allstars-Fall.

She needs more speed if she wants to pitch for a 14U team in Spring. She needs to be prepared to play a new position. There are things she needs to work on....I just don't know if she can risk taking the time off from a "skills" perspective.
 
Oct 11, 2010
8,339
113
Chicago, IL
Always seems like the Players are aging, moving to a better Team etc. Need to keep working on their game for some reason.

Your DD is old enough to have a lot of say in the decision.

This is going to be the 1st year in a long time my DD is not going to play fall ball. Doesn’t mean she is sitting around the house she is playing volleyball. Yes, she could play both at the same time but why bother.

Doesn’t mean she will not practice softball every once in a while, or maybe play as a pickup a game or so. We haven’t thought that far out and it doesn’t matter to us either way.
 
May 7, 2008
8,485
48
Tucson
She needs a break. We never used to play tear around and we were fine. I truly understand Disneyland Dad, but your DD needs to understand for herself.

Good luck. It might be some time for the 2 of you to bond doing girl things. (I have changed since I became a grandma.)
 
Jun 27, 2011
5,083
0
North Carolina
At this point I'm looking for a team to test the waters with for fall-ball. ... I want to make sure she bonds with a team that she can rely on. ... She has a presence on the field that I really enjoy watching. ... I'm completely OKAY with her not being a rockstar pitcher as long as she can contribute and as long as she has a team behind her that will work just as hard. ... I feel like I need to start looking NOW. ...

Too much 'I' and not enough 'her' in these comments, IMO.

All I mean is that it's hard for you to be objective and do the right thing when you clearly want her to keep playing. Which, of course, is probably why you came on the forum. I would just be careful not be try to persuade her one way or the other. Let her decide. It could be that taking fall off is the best thing for her softball, or just the best thing for her, period. Taking time off is not such a bad thing.
 
Jan 18, 2010
4,270
0
In your face
At this point I'm looking for a team to test the waters with for fall-ball. She's got to move up next spring and I want to make sure she bonds with a team that she can rely on. Coaches that she can learn from. She has a presence on the field that I really enjoy watching.

Best way to test the waters in the fall is to be a pick up player. Get the word out early, put an ad on eteamz. This should give you multiple options, teams are looking for new players just like you are looking for a new team.

My problem now is Disneyland Dad. He has lived anywhere from 60 to 500 miles away. Right now he's about an hour away...closest he's been in many years. He made it to 2 games this last season....but he did take her to softball camp for a week, which was closer to his house. He is telling me that DD needs a break. That he's tired of seeing her cry because she's not on a "good team". That I push her too much. He will not help financially (he rarely does, anyways). And I'm afraid he's going to put a bug in her ear about taking a break. I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to Disneyland Dad. I don't want to argue with him....I just want him to understand that I didn't do the research last season. I feel like I need to start looking NOW.

We call them "dead beat dads" around here. As I coach I never really listened to a parent who wasn't involved with their child. The "parent" who spends 90% of their time going through all the ups and downs of raising a child is the one I listen to and work with.

DD has mentioned to me that she doesn't have time to hang out with girls from school. She has mentioned that she wanted to maybe try soccer or volleyball during the fall (not even sure if those are options).

Mom, if she's mentioned being a kid and hanging out, and mentioned trying soccer/volleyball............she is probably "asking" for a break from softball. At least if she plays another sport she will stay active.

Will it hurt her to take fall-ball off?

She needs more speed if she wants to pitch for a 14U team in Spring. She needs to be prepared to play a new position. There are things she needs to work on....I just don't know if she can risk taking the time off from a "skills" perspective.

Taking the fall off should not hurt her one bit. She can still practice her pitching at home. And maybe the time off will make her WANT to play again.

My pitcher DD was off an entire year ( 2011 ) from a torn cuff. She returned this spring pitching with more movement and more speed than ever before, I think the time off benefited her both physically and mentally.
 
Nov 26, 2010
4,787
113
Michigan
DD has mentioned to me that she doesn't have time to hang out with girls from school. She has mentioned that she wanted to maybe try soccer or volleyball during the fall (not even sure if those are options). So...Disneyland Dad could really sway her if he tried. Am I being stubborn? Will it hurt her to take fall-ball off? We've been playing every season since she was 9. Spring-Allstars-Fall.

Your dd is trying to tell you something, you really need to listen. Not every kid wants to play the same sport year round. Not every kid who plays great at 10u wants to play at 14u. You ask if it will hurt her to take fall ball off? Hurt her how? She wants to try volleyball or soccer, if you tell her no you are playing softball whether you like it or not. How much is that going to help her? For what its worth, my dd has never played fall ball. Yet every spring she still gets all of her circle time. Plus she gets hang out with her friends and she gets to play volleyball and basketball with her friends.

Don't let this be a contest between you and whoever Disneyland Dad is. If you give her a break from softball, it doesn't mean that he won. it sounds almost like this could become a control contest with your dd in the middle.
 
May 25, 2010
1,070
0
So...DD is moving up to 14U next season. She had a rough Spring for her first year of travel ball. We signed up with a new coach/team who saw DD play the previous winterball season (can't brag enough about our undefeated season with her as starting pitcher :)). He didn't want a tryout and just wanted her. Told us it wasn't Daddy Ball...Told us every girl would earn her position. Etc...and the year was hell. Total daddy ball - players in positions they shouldn't have been in based on if the parents played nice or not. I loved the parents and the girls...it was the coaching that bothered me. My daughter didn't connect and didn't learn a thing. Except that we needed to research and bail if a team wasn't working out. I hate how stagnant her year was for her as far as skills go. We had a short break and were supposed to come back for fall-ball but most of the team had moved on and the team has disbanded within the last few weeks.

At this point I'm looking for a team to test the waters with for fall-ball. She's got to move up next spring and I want to make sure she bonds with a team that she can rely on. Coaches that she can learn from. She has a presence on the field that I really enjoy watching.

She had a private try-out with another team who will not use her to pitch. Her speed isn't where it needs to be...but they like her defense and hitting and say if she can be ready to pitch, she will get some time on the mound. This is fine as it gives her a solid goal to improve and maybe she'll get to play another position that she can own. I'm completely OKAY with her not being a rockstar pitcher as long as she can contribute and as long as she has a team behind her that will work just as hard. They want her....and I agreed.

My problem now is Disneyland Dad. He has lived anywhere from 60 to 500 miles away. Right now he's about an hour away...closest he's been in many years. He made it to 2 games this last season....but he did take her to softball camp for a week, which was closer to his house. He is telling me that DD needs a break. That he's tired of seeing her cry because she's not on a "good team". That I push her too much. He will not help financially (he rarely does, anyways). And I'm afraid he's going to put a bug in her ear about taking a break. I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to Disneyland Dad. I don't want to argue with him....I just want him to understand that I didn't do the research last season. I feel like I need to start looking NOW.

DD has mentioned to me that she doesn't have time to hang out with girls from school. She has mentioned that she wanted to maybe try soccer or volleyball during the fall (not even sure if those are options). So...Disneyland Dad could really sway her if he tried. Am I being stubborn? Will it hurt her to take fall-ball off? We've been playing every season since she was 9. Spring-Allstars-Fall.

She needs more speed if she wants to pitch for a 14U team in Spring. She needs to be prepared to play a new position. There are things she needs to work on....I just don't know if she can risk taking the time off from a "skills" perspective.

She does not share your obsession with softball. She wants to try a different sport during the fall. At this age, it's critical you allow her to own that choice. Time off isn't a bad thing and might even be great for her in terms of her personal and athletic development.

Don't let this be a contest between you and whoever Disneyland Dad is. If you give her a break from softball, it doesn't mean that he won. it sounds almost like this could become a control contest with your dd in the middle.

Chinamigarden nailed my point exactly. I am very glad that you shared your concerns here, because I've found this to be the best softball forum when it comes to providing parents with greater perspective about their individual situations.

You're a control freak: you want DD to play the sport you're in love with for her and you want to make sure her dad doesn't influence her to do anything other than what YOU want her doing.

I don't care if he's the biggest cad in the world, he's her father and they are they two people who get to decide what their relationship is going to be. There are kids who only see the good in people - especially their parents - and that is NOT a bad thing. If he encourages her to do something she enjoys, that has nothing at all to do with him winning and you losing.

My most sincere advice is to step back and let your DD choose her sport(s) and once she does, then your job is to do what you can to support her in that choice, which means getting her to practices and games, paying the fees, etc. I don't envy your position at all. I believe everyone here is truly empathetic to the fact that you're a single mom doing what you feel is best for your DD, but at the same time, it's unhealthy for you to feel you've got to micromanage her life in order to protect her from her dad who doesn't support her in the ways that you do.

Allow her to have her own life and I guarantee your relationship with her will only benefit.
 
Oct 22, 2009
1,527
0
PA
DD has mentioned to me that she doesn't have time to hang out with girls from school. She has mentioned that she wanted to maybe try soccer or volleyball during the fall (not even sure if those are options). So...Disneyland Dad could really sway her if he tried. Am I being stubborn? Will it hurt her to take fall-ball off? We've been playing every season since she was 9. Spring-Allstars-Fall.

From personal experience (very recent personal experience) this is something you really need to understand and listen to your DD. My DD has played TB for the last 4 years, the first three years on a high level A team. At the end of her second year as a 12U, she was clear with me that she did not want to continue with that level of commitment. She did not have time for her friends outside of softball, and she wanted to do other things. Even though we won states and nationals that year, it was not enough for her to want to continue playing at that level.

Last year she played on a team that had a much more relaxed schedule and I stepped away from coaching her. Unfortunately the coaching she had was not nearly the same level, and I know I gave her signals that I was not very happy with her choice of teams (which I now very much regret). It caused her a lot of stress through the year (that as well as the increased work load in school, social pressures, boys, etc). She ultimately crashed and burned in the spring, and did not finish the academic year at her regular MS. She also stepped away from softball at the end of last year (she was playing on teams in the rec league, MS, and TB). She is just now getting well enough to the point she will return to start HS this fall, and is once again excited about returning to TB, though I have my concerns.

I guess what I am trying to say is that teenage girls have different ways of coping with stress. Last year I would have told you that my DD was very good under pressure, handled stress well, and always wanted to be the best at whatever she did. Unfortunately, I ignored some subtle signs that she was in bigger trouble than she let on, and she did not know how to ask for help. If your DD is saying to you that she does not have any time for her friends, and that she may want to try something else, she is trying to tell you that she is asking you to understand that what you want may not be what she wants. Consider taking a step back and let her take a break. If she loves the game, she will miss it and come back to it.
 

JAD

Feb 20, 2012
8,223
38
Georgia
Being on a good team and winning is nice, but if your DD truly wants to play multiple sports she may be better off playing on a lower level TB team that will give her the flexibility she needs to play both. If she is the #1 pitcher on her TB team it is amazing how accommodating the HC will be on scheduling tournaments around your DD schedule! LOL
 

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