Very disturbing encounter and conversation with a fellow coach

[fpdad5]

Yesterday after my DD games I was approached by a coach of one of my leagues 10U teams. I am posting this thread tonight because the encounter and conversation with that coach was very disturbing and I find posting here to be therapeutic and the feedback of others helpful. My DD is a second year 12U who is pitching on our rec leagues 14U travel team (we play against other rec leagues 14U teams not against true travel teams). She is doing well and has grown as a pitcher due to the increased competition level. Most importantly she is enjoying the season and looks forward to every opportunity to practice/play/hang out at the fields.

When my team plays defense I sit at the end of the dugout closest to home plate so my catcher can easily check for signs. The way our dugouts are setup we have an area on the other side of the dugout fence right next to where I was sitting that spectators can sit/stand. The 10U coach was standing their with his daughter and throughout the entire game I was able to clearly hear his conversations with his daughter. During the first part of the game this coaches' conversations with his daughter were fairly benign. He would point out events on the field and ask his daughter about what happened. In the 3rd inning we had an interesting play. With one out and a runner on 2nd my DD recognized that the runner was taking a very aggressive lead off. She signaled a play to her defense that is designed to look like our 3rd, 2nd, catcher and pitcher are not paying attention. It worked. After taking a big lead off the base runner started to steal towards 3rd as soon as the catcher returned the ball to my DD. She quickly turned around and threw out the runner at 3rd. This is where the 10U coaches' conversation with his daughter took a nasty turn. Rather than explain the play to her as he was previously doing he said, "Why can't you do that?". The rest of the game the conversations were along the same lines and got even nastier in tone.

After our game was over he asked me if I would speak to his daughter for a moment. He told me his daughter was his teams starting pitcher and he felt she did not take the game seriously. He started comparing my DD to his and was pointing out all the things his daughter was doing wrong. She was "flaky" on defense. She was not hitting her inside/outside pitches consistently. Her change up was iffy, etc... Basically he told me his daughter could do no right. Worst of all this conversation happened with his daughter standing next to him. She could hear the entire conversation and I could see tears welling up in her eyes. I am rarely at a loss for words (as you can probably tell by the length of this thread) but I was speechless. I made an excuse about having to drag the fields and suggested he stop by after practice on Tuesday if he wanted to discuss further. He took my up on the offer.

I am very disturbed by a coach or dad who berate and denigrate his own child in front of them. I have had to deal with over eager parents many times in the past but this is the first time I have seen a coach this over the top. I have some thoughts on what I am going to say to him on Tuesday but could use additional input from other coaches who have been in a similar position.

 

[coachmike734]

i coach a 13u team and last season we had a parent (father) who was so hard on his DD that after several discussions, our team moms banished him to the outfield for the rest of the season. as a team we try and have a "play hard and have fun" attitude, its actually our motto, but there was nothing said that seemed to back this parent off. in this particular case i am fairly certain the dad enjoyed alcohol a bit too much, even brought coolers to the games, so i am not sure how much this affected his actions as he seemed to be fairly miserable in all aspects of life. its quite a shame too, his DD was a sweet girl who always gave a 100%, he just never noticed any of the good things she did only focused on the negative.
i dont know if this helped at all but your post reminded me of him.
good luck and have a great season

 

[Coach JV]

Sometimes these dads don't realize they are berating their DD.
A carefully worded e-mail to the league board would be a step
in the right direction, as clearly, this is not the type of coach for 10U.
When I coached 10U (especially rec) it was a 'teaching atmosphere.
This is the age where they need to learn about the game and (hopefully)
fall in love with it and want to continue playing. This is a perfect example
of a coach who will have 6 players not want to play next year

 

[SnocatzDad]

I wish I found it suprising that a father would feel that berating his kid publically was the way to make her better. Maybe for some kids the desire to please Dad (even if that isn't possible) would drive them to work extremely hard and be successful. If he wants to make that choice for his own daughter, I think you have to respect that, even if you wouldn't do it yourself. I would try talking to Dad about what he wants for his daughter and the most effective way of getting it. Don't make it a conversation about how wrong his method is, make it a conversation about the way to get results. i.e. Do you want daughter to practice more, Does she practice more effectiviely while crying about the criticism your giving her, or if you praise a good pitch, does that encourage her to throw one more, with a little more mustard? IMO Parenting/Coaching is sometimes little more than saying what needs to be said to get the desired result, while consciously NOT saying what you would really like to say. Likewise reading this guy the riot act might feel good, but wouldn't likely be the way to change his behaviour.

 

[mad hornet]

What a mess. Make sure you have an assistant coach present so you have a witness to this follow up. My thought is that the game is supposed to be fun. If it's rec ball, he needs to seriously back off. If she really wanted to play travel ball it would be different. It takes a lot of practice and strong work ethic to be successful and those kids will need to be pushed. Unfortunately it sounds like this dad has taken all the fun out of it for her.

 

[Wookie]

It all depends on how you do it. I tell DD "you need to catch the ball" when she misses a pitch as a catcher, "you have to move your feet" when she reaches for a grounder, "go get it" if she misses a throw at 1B, which is entirely different than "my grandmother can catch that so you should be able to too!".

I've spoken with DD about this, since I know I can get a little worked up during a game. She told me that she doesn't mind it and that she needs that to stay focused and to work harder on things that she may take for granted, especially with the rec team. BUT she does know I do this to make her a better player and not just to yell at her. And I think the girls know it when it's because a parent is just an a$$ - hence the original post with the girl starting to cry.

 

[ang4yanks]

That coach needs to study John Wooden's coaching philosophy about coaching in general. When I hear stories like that, I think..."Where is Mom??" Sport Moms play a very important role despite the very little acknowledgement. I have stepped in as liaison numerous times to ring a bell of reality. I have zero tolerance when I see a young person's spirit broken by coaches, parents or other team mates. It disgraces the game.

 

[Coach JV]

WOOKIE-Shame on you. The girls are under enough pressure to perform.
They know they "need to catch the ball" "move their feet" and lastly 'Go get it"

As a youth sports coach, I would never dream of making comments like these.
They know they are supposed to catch the ball etc. they do not miss on purpose.
For crying out loud, she is your daughter.

Close your eyes, Put yourself on the field as catcher and imagine your dad yelling
"you need to catch the ball". I think the first thing that will run thru your mind is
"what does he think I missed it on purpose?" Watch the next game bearing this in mind,
it will help keep a happy relationship

 

[Wookie]

OK, JV, I think I need to clarify my statement. Not that I need to justify myself to you nor anyone else, but so that you don't think I'm a lout here is the situation.

DD has ADHD Inattentive Type - which means she loses focus VERY easily and often. She has a tendency to daydream if not kept focused, even on things around the house - did you turn the lights off in the bathroom? (should I be "ashamed" for doing that too?). She is my daughter and I live with her and you do not. I know what to do to keep her focused, inconsultation with our doctor, and on task SO THAT SHE DOESN"T GET HURT. By not focusing on catching the ball, she puts her self in danger. Do I think she misses it on purpose? - HELL NO - but it reminds her to stay focused on what is going on. I DO NOT do it loudly (maybe you misinterpreted my "getting worked up" part to mean that I yell at her) but rather after the inning or whenever I can during the game. She is learning, and this is part of her learning. And she learns differently than you, or I, and apparently all of the girls that you have ever coached. Do I coach every girl like I do her? No, I do not, but I know what SHE needs, just like the other parents say things to THEIR DD during and after the game so that they get better and learn. Am I supposed to congratulate her for NOT going and chasing the ball down? What does she learn from that? How does that make her better, learn the fundamentals?

Look, I DO NOT "yell" at her and used that word since she may have thought that that is what I was doing when I asked her. She knows the difference between coaching and yelling. I REMIND her of what she needs to do. I also REMIND the other girls of things that they need to do as well - "don't forget to take your lead", "two outs, run on anything hit", etc. Should I be "ashamed" in doing that as well? Does this really put "pressure" on them, to learn the game that they signed up for? I am a coach, and I will coach them in the fundamentals and REMIND them of things that we learned in practice or previous games that they may have forgotten. They are after all around 10 YO and have the attention span of a gnat. And my daughter has EVEN LESS of an attention span.

Like I said, it all depends on how you do it. And every girl is different. Mine is not like most girls, and since she' my daughter I know what works best with her. I'm glad to hear that you have no learning issues with your players, and that they all get things the first time around and don't need to be reminded of situations during the game. I'm also sorry that you misunderstood my point. I'll try to be clearer in the future.

 

[sluggers]

WOOKIE-Shame on you. The girls are under enough pressure to perform. They know they "need to catch the ball" "move their feet" and lastly 'Go get it"

I'm not sure I understand your statement. Are you saying that a coach shouldn't say anything or a dad shouldn't say anything?

I teach when I coach. So, I will tell the girls during the game what they are supposed to do or how to make a particular play. I generally am not correcting fundamental fielding mistakes on the field (my kids rarely make fundamental mistakes--they may miss a ball because they are too slow to get there, but they won't miss a ball going through their legs). But, e.g., if there is a run down, and Judy didn't do the backup correctly, I will tell Judy what she was supposed to do. I do this during the game.

I agree that Dads should be silent during games--even if their kids have ADHD. Too many Dads want to micromanage their kids on the field.