How do I keep my daughter motivated when coach is breaking her spirit...

[burpee]

Hi All,

I would love to hear your feedback.

My daughter is a Jr. on the Varsity team. She also plays Field Hockey. She plays both sports under the same coach.
DD is a good player. she has been playing rec ball since she was 10 and club ball since she was 12-13. She never seriously considered playing in college unless the school she chooses has a D3 or club team. Recently however she has been seeing how she ranks among her peers and reconsidering. She realizes that she is good enough if she wants to make the commitment to a higher level of play. But I digress...

There is definitely some kind of problem between her and this coach. Softball started just like Field Hockey in the fall, no problems. My daughter is playing and doing well. As the season progresses, she sees less and less play time. In yesterdays game she sat the bench. Our team was down by one in the 7th. She put DD in to pinch hit. My kid got a base hit, because she's a hitter. Meanwhile other girls are going 0-fer, including the EH. From a coaches standpoint it makes no sense.

DD is one of two Catchers on the team. Not to take anything away from the other girl, but she is not as strong a player. She does not have the throw down, and she does not bat in the lineup.

And it is not just my kid. Every year this coach alienates players to the point where girls melt down and quit mid season. It is also not unusual for good softball players in their Sr year to choose tennis or Lacrosse over softball because of conflicts with this coach.

Anyway DD is talking about quitting. It came up again last night. She has the skills and the drive to play at the next level, and this coach is crushing her spirit. I am trying really hard to keep her motivated. Summer ball is around the corner. We are preparing her skills video. She has visited college campuses and talked with coaches. I am trying to convince her to stick with the team just for the practice, if for no other reason to stay sharp for summer ball. Her mother is trying to be supportive as well, but she resents this coach and encourages my daughter to quit.

All this drama aside, how do I help keep my girl's head clear so she can continue to be a player (when given those few opportunities) and keep her stats up? I am not going to speak to the coach. My daughter is 17 and very strong minded and responsible (which may be part of the problem). If she chooses to speak to the coach that is up to her. But she is still my baby girl and a great ball player and I don't want to see that ruined by some jerk coach.

Thanks in advance.

 

[SoCal_Dad]

Is there any other issue besides lack of playing time? If not, I'm not seeing a valid reason to quit the HS team midseason.

If she really is interested in playing at the next level, she needs to focus on what she can control (e.g. attitude and effort). If she can't learn to handle it on the HS team, she's not going to be able to handle it at the next level either.

 

[burpee]

That's what I am telling her. Keep your mind clear so you can play when you have the opportunity...
My question is not abt quitting the team. My question is about what a dad can say to a strong-willed daughter that will help her stay motivated without pissing her off more.

I'm sure some of you have been there?

Is there any other issue besides lack of playing time? If not, I'm not seeing a valid reason to quit the HS team midseason.

If she really is interested in playing at the next level, she needs to focus on what she can control (e.g. attitude and effort). If she can't learn to handle it on the HS team, she's not going to be able to handle it at the next level either.

 

[Amy in AZ.]

Who knows? I used to know a softball coach who would sit a kid, because someone told him that someone had said something about him.

Playing HS softball is not necessary for most girls to get a college scholarship. I would hate to quit, too - but if sticking with the team is a waste of time, she is just months short of being considered an adult, she needs to decide.

I wonder if you are in a small town? The politics can be awful.

 

[coachjwb]

This is the most common complaint I hear about coaches. I will be honest and say that when the issue is playing time, that 90% of the time it's because the coach feels that other players are better and/or give the team a better chance to win, and probably 80% of the time they are right. Most coaches actually want to win. It is very natural for parents to see their kids through rose-colored glasses ... I'm not saying this is the case here, but it often is.

I agree totally with SoCal Dad that she should stick with it and focus on what she can control. But I think her best option is to meet with the coach and ask him what she can do to earn more playing time. Sometimes, when a coach sees and hears that, they either open their eyes or they give the player more of a chance to prove themselves. What does she have to lose? It might be a tough conversation for her to have, but if she's 17 and is going to be going to college soon, it's time to start learning how to have those kinds of adult discussions.

I do empathize with the situation and struggled with some of the same things raising my own kids, but I hope I learned from the experience along the way. Good luck to her and you on this.

 

[SoCal_Dad]

That's what I am telling her. Keep your mind clear so you can play when you have the opportunity...
My question is not abt quitting the team. My question is about what a dad can say to a strong-willed daughter that will help her stay motivated without pissing her off more.

I'm sure some of you have been there?

As you probably know, it's not just what you say - it's how you say it and when.

You can't do much when she's wound up about it other than to let her vent and identify exactly why it makes her so upset. You and your wife also have to be careful you're not making the situation worse for her or reinforcing a behavior to get attention or pity.

The best approach is often to ask questions that lead her to determining her options along with the merits and consequences of each one - both short term and long term. As parents, we should be training our kids to make informed decisions so they can live with the consequences.

 

[marriard]

At that age it is not necessarily what you say to her - it is what she says to her coach.

A simple before or after practice conversation that goes "Coach, I don't understand why I am not playing as much as I was and what do I need to do to get back my playing time" goes a long way to resolving the issue one way or another.

 

[PA SB Dad]

Playing at the next level means being able to stand up for yourself. If she is quiet and not willing to talk to the coach, the coach may think your DD is good with being a role player off the bench. The same thing will happen to her in college if she does not have it in her to go up to the coach and ask what she needs to do to get better and get back on the field. This is a good opportunity to learn that lesson now.

 

[WARRIORMIKE]

Tell her to get a job. Lol

 

[sluggers]

Her mother is trying to be supportive as well, but she resents this coach and encourages my daughter to quit.

So, you are telling your DD to stick with it and your DW is telling your DD to quit.

Don't you think the first place to start is getting you and DD's mother on the same page? The coach may be a jerk, but you and the DD's mother are likely confusing DD.

The reality is probably not what you want to hear, but:

90% of the time, people play sports after HS in spite of, not because of, the coach. Coaches have to make decisions about playing time (PT) and that certainly makes people unhappy. Coaches have to decide how many laps to run, what conditioning to do, and on and on. They always make someone unhappy.

Your DD needs enjoy softball enough to put up with the crazy coach. If she doesn't, then perhaps she should reconsider playing in college.