Who is in the wrong here?

[The Man In Blue]

There has been a lot of great advice so far. I won’t disagree with any of it, but I will take a different approach. Most of what has been offered is about your daughter, as it should be. But there is an angle that is getting shuffled behind a little bit.

Some of this is about coaching and building a team. Some of the issue is your husbands’s desire to coach. Definitely a part of the issue is the absenteeism of the current HC. In this aspect, I would say it is time to sit down with the organization President. Remind him/her of the conversation last year, present the concerns you have, and lay out a plan of action that you would take if given a team (maybe not THIS team). That conversation will answer your question (on this front).

 

[08 Pitcher Mom]

There has been a lot of great advice so far. I won’t disagree with any of it, but I will take a different approach. Most of what has been offered is about your daughter, as it should be. But there is an angle that is getting shuffled behind a little bit.

Some of this is about coaching and building a team. Some of the issue is your husbands’s desire to coach. Definitely a part of the issue is the absenteeism of the current HC. In this aspect, I would say it is time to sit down with the organization President. Remind him/her of the conversation last year, present the concerns you have, and lay out a plan of action that you would take if given a team (maybe not THIS team). That conversation will answer your question (on this front).

thank you for your reply! I think I may have worded things poorly in my original post - but you seem to get the gist of it!

I agree that some discussions definitely need to be had!

 

[uncdrew]

I coach.

I'd rather have a young girl who tries hard and loves the game than a talented, stronger "rotten egg".

I put more value on friendships and community than many coaches, but I'm in a 10U world. IMHO, lots of years ahead of us to chase the best teams, get the girls wanting to play in college on better teams, etc. I really think at the younger ages instilling a love for the game comes first (followed very closely by sound fundamentals).

We see girls move up with their travel teams (in order to stay with friends) all the time. Every single year. It feels quite normal to me. If there are girls/parents who feel it makes the team not as good, they might want to find a different team.

 

[The Man In Blue]

thank you for your reply! I think I may have worded things poorly in my original post - but you seem to get the gist of it!

I agree that some discussions definitely need to be had!

I’ve been there myself ... just be careful what you wish for. That was how I went from being the book keeper to being the League President for 8 seasons. I kept saying “this could be better if ...”

I tried to do the same thing with coaches — be an assistant first to see if you really want to do this. There is a lot of value there.

Just make sure the conversation isn’t a “you promised me a team” conversation. Really put some thought into the issues you saw (personally, I have a huge concern with the availability of the HC) and what you would do to address them. Lay out what you would do (e.g., bringing the age groups in line so you aren’t moving half a team up every year).

 

[Momo'sDad]

I think that what really sucks is that this would all have been avoided if HC would have just stuck to the original plan!
But because we questioned it, we are the bad guys!

I know that you're upset and feeling misled right now, but you've potentially got a long way to go on the journey and this is but one small step. Forget that the original plan is no longer valid. Things change and you cannot expect a group of people to maintain a unique, yet unchanging agenda.

Neither of you is wrong. The coach's daughter isn't a strong player, but she wants to play with girls that she likes and gets along with. I'm not sure you can put a price tag on having a harmonious dugout. But only your family can determine that value and what is the right fit for you.

 

[Ksphenom]

One of the many challenges of being a parent/coach is balancing the needs of the team with the needs of your own children. Ideally these needs are similar. Otherwise you find yourself in a position of either organizing the team based on your children's needs (could be viewed as "daddy ball") or putting your own children's needs aside for the betterment of the team. Neither of these choices provide a great deal of success.

I was an assistant coach throughout 12u, 14u, and 1st year 16u. It was during that final season that I realized that DD's goals were different than the goals of many of the other players on the team. DD wanted to play in college (and is). The rest of the team was focused on playing high school ball (which is fine). So at the end of that season, I officially retired from coaching and DD joined another team with a more aggressive schedule. Some of the parents from our old team were upset with me because the choice I made was not viewed as being in the best interest of "their children". But continuing would not have been in the best interest of "my child". Within a few months, most of those parents understood my reasoning, and now many of us are once again good friends.

Totally agree with this. At a certain point it's the individual goals that get your DD where she wants and needs to go. At 10u not so much.

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[chinamigarden]

DD's team was newly formed in the fall of 2018. Since my husband has never been the HC of a TB team, the president of the organization wanted him to be the AC under an experienced HC for one season. My DD is an '08, moving up to 12u in fall, and the HC daughter is an '09, staying in 10u for another year.

When the team was formed, it was with the understanding that we were splitting up into a 12u team and a 10u team after the summer 2019 season was over.
Knowing that, we carried a few '09s so that the HC would have a good base when we split.

We are a B level team with a lot of talent, so we were looking to pick up a few more strong '08s and continue to grow as a team.

Imagine our surprise when we were told by the HC that they are moving up to 12u because their daughter likes the girls on the team and doesn't want to leave.
And that along with her, they may be keeping another '09 because they are friends??! Is that a normal thing for coaches to do? Both of the '09s are amazing kids, but neither is a stud on our current 10u team. Would moving up benefit either of them?

A lot of the parents on the team are mad at us for not thinking that them moving up is not in the best interest of the team as a whole.
But we are expected to just be okay with the HC going completely against what was originally planned at the beginning? Are we being selfish?

I thought the point of TB was to grow as a strong team, not to carry kids around because they are friends. Maybe we should be the ones looking for a team to fit our daughter's goals?

Additional information:
- Our HC also coaches another one of his daughters TB and HS teams, so he missed most of our practices through the fall and spring, and misses many tournaments. My husband takes care of the finances for the team, and runs the practices and tournaments that HC misses.
- DD says wants to play competitively and isn't there to make friends - if she makes friends, that is a bonus

I know it is only 10u and 12u, but I just want to know what others would do in this situation!

What does the president of the org say? He is the one who told your DH he would be the head coach in the upcoming 12u season. If that’s the case DH gets to decide if these younger girls make the team or not.

 

[55dad]

Does the organization have an 07 team? Can your DD try out for that team? I would not waste much effort trying to change the 08 team. Even if you talk to the organization president and you "win" and they separate the 08 and 09 girls and your husband gets to be the HC it sounds like you will piss a lot of folks off. Do you want that drama?

Get your DD to some A team tryouts and see how she stacks up. Try out, get some options, then decide. If the worst case is staying with the current team with a mix of 08 and 09 is that the end of the world? It is 12B after all.



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[Rick M]

He coaches the higher level team outside of our organization, and it is not a local high school team, but he is a wonderful coach! Just not available to our team most of the time, due to his other coaching responsibilities!

Just a shot in the dark here, but could it be that this "wonderful" and very experienced coach thinks that your husband isn't ready to take over a team just yet? If he's bringing a lot to the table, and still leaves much of the team's responsibilities to your husband, maybe that's a pretty good situation to be in. Hopefully DH is learning and growing as much as DD.

 

[uncdrew]

I know that you're upset and feeling misled right now, but you've potentially got a long way to go on the journey and this is but one small step. Forget that the original plan is no longer valid. Things change and you cannot expect a group of people to maintain a unique, yet unchanging agenda.

Neither of you is wrong. The coach's daughter isn't a strong player, but she wants to play with girls that she likes and gets along with. I'm not sure you can put a price tag on having a harmonious dugout. But only your family can determine that value and what is the right fit for you.

Yeah, the goals and expectations at the beginning of the year are simply "best guesses". Heck, seems that every month our organization adapts and flexes and people's plans change.

You were told a year ago the HC would go one way and AC go another. Expecting that to be set in stone just isn't realistic.