When softball's not fun anymore

[ChrisSB]

A few nights ago, 15 year old DD came and told me "it's just not fun anymore" while crying. Quite a bit came out about this being a game of failure and how hard that is, the anxiety of trying to be perfect, how much normal teenage stuff she misses out on because of softball (dances, getting together with friends, etc) the pressure to perform in front of college coaches, and trying to balance the sport with advanced classes and working a couple days a week gets overwhelming. The thought of stepping away from softball was obviously very painful too, she kept saying this is all I've ever known, I've been playing since I was little, this is my life. She also mentioned that she knows how much I love to watch her play, and she doesn't want to disappoint me by not playing. I told her I just love watching her do something she enjoys, I don't care what it is.

To be honest, she's not had a good experience with softball over the last couple years. 2 years ago she was on a team where the coach regularly told her she was not good enough. He was a jerk and I watched her loose her love for the game. I regret not pulling her off that team. The team she was on this past year she mostly enjoyed, but when the end of the season was coming up she made the decision to leave because she wanted to play against better competition. When she told her coach she would not be returning, he kicked her off the team and told her she wasn't needed at the last 3 tournaments. He then told her she didn't really have what it takes anyway (despite that she was one of his best players and he consistently praised her). It was a complete turn around, like his ego got hurt and he took her leaving personally or something. But a teen doesn't understand that and she was devestated. Over the last couple days it's come out quite a bit about how the words from these coaches have affected her.

Last year was her first year of high school ball and that was a miserable experience for her as well. She had a girl on the team bully her - regularly calling her names, spreading rumors about her, posting negative things on social media about DD, etc. She has no desire to play on that HS team again (understandably) and is considering transferring schools.

She wants to continue with lessons because she enjoys them, but as far as playing...she just wishes softball was fun again.

Looking for some words of wisdom. My heart aches for her.

 

[quincy]

Might be able to guest play, will take a little work she would be able to control her schedule. Maybe you will run into something everyone is happy with too, which would be a plus.

 

[CoachJD]

Find a coach who doesn't suck.

If she likes going to lessons, she clearly isn't finished with the sport. That's probably the first thing to go when someone is losing their passion for it.

She just needs a coach who will make it fun for her. Or allow her to have fun. Or who won't be a complete jerk for whatever reason.

Just out of curiosity, did she say anything to the HS coach about the bullying?

 

[YOCOACH]

I feel for her. I learned a long time ago there's a difference between being a hard coach that demands a 100% effort every play and coaching through encouragement versus just being an A$$. There's also a difference between the need for their team to compete versus the need for their team to win. Usually the need to win comes so they can stroke their ego. When they don't, many times the players suffer.

My advice is this: For HS, depending on the coach, if your DD tells them you will get one of 3 reactions. 1} They'll ignore it. 2) They'll gather the team and tell them that if caught bullying anyone, they're off the team. 3} They'll blame the bullying on your DD. None of these options will improve her situation on or with the team. Yes there are more otions but IME, These are the 3 most prevalent. Even with option 2, the bullying may slow or stop for awhile but more often than not, it will renew with a vengeance and be done even more sneakily. Unfortunately, the only way to deal with bullies is to punch them in the nose either figuratively or literally. Since much of the bullying in a team setting is the result of the bully feeling threatened by someone or something, maybe if your DD understood what's behind it, she could apply even further pressure to that lever until the bully backs off or breaks so to speak.

For TB: Let her continue lessons. Ask her if she'd like to just work with you at her own pace. If the answer's yes, work with her on your own and make a point of making it fun (i.e. joking around) while challenging her but let her be in control of the times and lengths. In the meantime, you should be researching teams in your area. I'd be looking at a team that has a good developmental coach, coaches through encouragement and would be willing to let your DD come to practices whenever she wanted. These teams are hard to find but well worth the search because they are usually full of talented players that want to be there, want to improve, are having fun while working hard and are more concerned with competing versus winning. They know that winning will take care of itself if they continue to work hard and have fun. You both may be surprised that she finds herself wanting to get serious again and trying to join that team. That's the kind of atmosphere your DD needs to grow as a player. As for playing at the next level, she can get seen on any team she's on as long as she stays in constant contact with the coaches of the schools she's interested in...unless her dream is to play Major D1.

 

[cnardone]

That all sounds awful. I feel for her. but if she still wants to practice, let her. Make it fun. She might take a season off and then come back strong. Good luck!

 

[heman1202]

I completely understand the mindset of what was said above in regards to bullying but that is not the answer. As a matter of fact most kids who are bullied are not capable of physical confrontation or that would have been handled immediately.

There was recently was an 8th grade girl near my area who committed suicide due to bullying. It is still a huge problem. There can never be an option to just ignore it because you think the coach/administration will do nothing or it will make the situation worse. You know what makes the situation worse, a kid who thinks the only way out is suicide. That's what can happen when nothing is done.

You report it and you make them listen and do something about it. Even with all the anti-bullying campaigns that have went on it boggles my mind that school administrators, teachers, coaches, and most importantly the parents would just brush it off or ignore it (and it certainly happens). Be happy that your daughter actually told you about and didn't hide it.

Sorry, this just bothers me. Bullies suck and should not be tolerated or excused in any way. Speak up and make someone listen.

 

[Towny9]

I completely understand the mindset of what was said above in regards to bullying but that is not the answer. As a matter of fact most kids who are bullied are not capable of physical confrontation or that would have been handled immediately.

There was recently was an 8th grade girl near my area who committed suicide due to bullying. It is still a huge problem. There can never be an option to just ignore it because you think the coach/administration will do nothing or it will make the situation worse. You know what makes the situation worse, a kid who thinks the only way out is suicide. That's what can happen when nothing is done.

You report it and you make them listen and do something about it. Even with all the anti-bullying campaigns that have went on it boggles my mind that school administrators, teachers, coaches, and most importantly the parents would just brush it off or ignore it (and it certainly happens). Be happy that your daughter actually told you about and didn't hide it.

Sorry, this just bothers me. Bullies suck and should not be tolerated or excused in any way. Speak up and make someone listen.

I am one of those school administrators. Most of the time when it goes on parents or the kids never say anything because they assume nothing will be done. I can guarantee you most places something absolutely will be done, but we can’t do anything if we don’t know about it.

With that said though, bullies are very good at picking their victims. They usually pick kids who will not speak up or fight back. Once you speak up or fight back, they usually move on to an easier target.

 

[Cannonball]

Physician, heal thyself. It sounds like both you and her know what to do. Give her some time away from the game but if she wants to be a part of the game in any capacity, support her. If that is lessons, great. If it means guest playing, great. If it means finding a local team that doesn't have the higher time demands, great. If it means she is done, then that is the way it is BUT I don't think she is done. She needs a break. You have a great kid who is concerned about you. You seem to have a great perspective so in talking with your dd, you will both find the best fit for her. Good luck!

 

[cvsoftball]

been there, done that. former coach ruined softball for DD and she just had enough. she is now enjoying a totally amatuer drama club and self defense martial arts lessons. I give her tons of credit for making a very difficult decision.

 

[Hawk_]

We had a bullying situation in our organization. My DD noticed the attitude and the laziness of the bully the first tourney we played with her at 13 made it clear she didn't want to be on the team with the bully.
The girl who was being bullied moved up to a higher age group and is a sweet and fantastic player, the bully is still down an age level (and not those things). The head of our organization found out about the bullying and took a quick stand. Off the team, will no longer give the girl lessons, and she is not allowed in the training facility anymore.
Sometimes all you have to do is speak up about the bullying and action will be taken in a hurry. Most of the time the person being bullied isn't the only one, but can be the one to speak for everyone.