Parent has a problem with me as coach (long)

[So Cal Seth]

Thanks for all the feedback here everyone. Wanted to pass on the latest info. Last week, this dad's daughter made a slam video directed at the coach talking to her about her swing (my role on the team) where she says it was fine the way it was and throws up middle fingers to the camera. She shared it on tik tok and the majority of the team saw it. HC wants to have an intervention like discussion with her and her parents. I'm about to leave the team if they stay.

For shits and giggles, let's see her hitting stats ; )

 

[Morb1us]

I have been having an issue with a parent. So back story. Two years ago, he was the AC on my DD first spring LL team. He admittedly stated he didn’t know what he was doing but HC was a 2 daughter travel ball dad/coach that I trusted. That was the only time I didn’t assist or coach during the last 5 years. Since then I have further expended my knowledge through places like here, reading and youtube research and have attended college camps and coaches camps coached spring and Allstars. We have now both landed on the same 14U team and I accepted an assistant spot. Since then he has questioned only my methods, outfield depths in game, and my decisions when base coach. It’s starting to become a problem and it’s only aimed at me. It was minimal until I got on the team hard at one practice after they laid an egg in a tournament. they showed up late, two girls were braiding another’s hair they didn’t want to warm up run, others didn’t want to wear helmets during BP and another pair wouldn’t stop talking to mom because they were upset over playing time. We got through a half a$$ed warmup and then they played like dookie.

I made them repeat sprints to the right intensity during warm ups for the day. And once we started actual practice, I told them (while practicing the double play as a team) that if they missed a ball they should have had, they owe a sprint between bases. I also sat on a bucket at 1st and told them they would run if I had to get up from the bucket when they threw to me.

Problem dad’s DD was first up (she is not a good infielder and only wants to play outfield). She missed right away and HC gave her more chances and she progressively got worse and eventually refused to move and was crying and shaking. I didn’t make anyone run that night. The next practice I apologized to her and the team for the impression that I would punish them for their abilities. I told them it was lack of effort I was looking out for, and I didn’t want them to fear failing but to fear not trying.

Now it seems (can’t prove it yet) that he is telling players not to listen to my direction. After I spent 20 mins with a player that can’t make contact I think I heard him say not to change anything because it’s too late in the season for that (couldn’t confirm the context of their discussion). Also, his DD asked when I was setting up ground ball stations if I was making things up.

Last game the girls struggled to hit and a mom was telling them to pick up the ball from the pitchers hand. I had my camera recording the game and caught her asking problem dad if they (the girls) knew that. He replied “Im not a coach, the coach in the dugout should be telling them that be he doesn’t”. I’m the dugout coach, the two base coaches are nonstop coaching the girls through at bats. This guy is on my last nerve. Anyone experience anything like this? How did you handle it?

First, talk to your head coach. If he doesn't address it that seems like an issue.

Being any type of coach is a Thankless job. Parents always know more and have hindsight comments. Simply have to focus on what is right for the team. They are only happy when they are winning, they do not see the development side clearly.

You are a volunteer. Not a paid professional. Talk to this dad and let him know that you were watching the game on the video and heard his choice words about you. Then simply have a conversation to understand how you can perform your volunteer position more effectively. He might have some good points. Alternatively, he may also put things in perspective and think he is being a jerk and you're doing the best you can.

 

[PDM]

I have been having an issue with a parent. So back story. Two years ago, he was the AC on my DD first spring LL team. He admittedly stated he didn’t know what he was doing but HC was a 2 daughter travel ball dad/coach that I trusted. That was the only time I didn’t assist or coach during the last 5 years. Since then I have further expended my knowledge through places like here, reading and youtube research and have attended college camps and coaches camps coached spring and Allstars. We have now both landed on the same 14U team and I accepted an assistant spot. Since then he has questioned only my methods, outfield depths in game, and my decisions when base coach. It’s starting to become a problem and it’s only aimed at me. It was minimal until I got on the team hard at one practice after they laid an egg in a tournament. they showed up late, two girls were braiding another’s hair they didn’t want to warm up run, others didn’t want to wear helmets during BP and another pair wouldn’t stop talking to mom because they were upset over playing time. We got through a half a$$ed warmup and then they played like dookie.

I made them repeat sprints to the right intensity during warm ups for the day. And once we started actual practice, I told them (while practicing the double play as a team) that if they missed a ball they should have had, they owe a sprint between bases. I also sat on a bucket at 1st and told them they would run if I had to get up from the bucket when they threw to me.

Problem dad’s DD was first up (she is not a good infielder and only wants to play outfield). She missed right away and HC gave her more chances and she progressively got worse and eventually refused to move and was crying and shaking. I didn’t make anyone run that night. The next practice I apologized to her and the team for the impression that I would punish them for their abilities. I told them it was lack of effort I was looking out for, and I didn’t want them to fear failing but to fear not trying.

Now it seems (can’t prove it yet) that he is telling players not to listen to my direction. After I spent 20 mins with a player that can’t make contact I think I heard him say not to change anything because it’s too late in the season for that (couldn’t confirm the context of their discussion). Also, his DD asked when I was setting up ground ball stations if I was making things up.

Last game the girls struggled to hit and a mom was telling them to pick up the ball from the pitchers hand. I had my camera recording the game and caught her asking problem dad if they (the girls) knew that. He replied “Im not a coach, the coach in the dugout should be telling them that be he doesn’t”. I’m the dugout coach, the two base coaches are nonstop coaching the girls through at bats. This guy is on my last nerve. Anyone experience anything like this? How did you handle it?

Maybe you should spend less time wondering how to handle the parent and more time figuring out what you can do better as a coach. If you do a good job, then the parent will have less to complain about. I'm curious how you think running will make the girls catch and throw the ball better? Instead of worrying about the parent, why not figure out why girls are more interested in braiding hair than warming up? Why couldn't you tell the players to pick up the ball out of the pitcher's hand? Why are you doing drills that end up with players in tears? These are your problems, not theirs. The game is supposed to be fun. Come up with positive incentives for players in practice, not punishment for physical mistakes. Why were you "getting on the team hard" after a bad tournament? It's their game, not yours. Your job is to help them improve through proper instruction, repetition, and encouragement, not to yell at them when they don't live up to your expectations. I always give a speech to parents at the first practice. Two of the first things I say are, "sports are for the kids and are supposed to be fun. Don't ruin their fun." and "When there is a problem, I want to know about it so I can fix it. I don't care how big or small, and I am especially interested when the problem is about me. It's my job to do my best to fix those problems. I can't fix everything, but I can give it my best shot." Adults' egos should not be a part of the equation. Make the parents your allies, not your adversaries. They are part of the team also. When there are "problem" parents like you describe, speak to them and discuss their issues. If you agree with them, then change what you are doing. If you disagree, be sure to explain why you do things differently than what they would like. They might still disagree, but at least they will know that there is a good reason for what you are doing. Feel free to take my advice or leave it, but it's been working for me for 40 years.

 

[Brainfreeze]

HC needs to watch The Dog Whisperer with that Cesar Millan guy. The same rules apply – when the alpha (the dog owner, in this case HC) doesn't step up in the role and lead, the dogs behave badly (the dad in question).

 

[Orange Socks]

Thanks for all the feedback here everyone. Wanted to pass on the latest info. Last week, this dad's daughter made a slam video directed at the coach talking to her about her swing (my role on the team) where she says it was fine the way it was and throws up middle fingers to the camera. She shared it on tik tok and the majority of the team saw it. HC wants to have an intervention like discussion with her and her parents. I'm about to leave the team if they stay.

Wow!!! The behavior of this child is unacceptable on so many levels. Apparently, her video took thought and intentional effort. I don't like confrontation, but this behavior requires some sort of intervention. Time for a meeting with the HC and this family.

 

[uncdrew]

Thanks for all the feedback here everyone. Wanted to pass on the latest info. Last week, this dad's daughter made a slam video directed at the coach talking to her about her swing (my role on the team) where she says it was fine the way it was and throws up middle fingers to the camera. She shared it on tik tok and the majority of the team saw it. HC wants to have an intervention like discussion with her and her parents. I'm about to leave the team if they stay.

Buh bye

 

[CMMom1740]

this sort of thing is very much our of the proactive playbook........their covenants basically come up with what committed BEHAVIOR looks like at practice, in a game, at school, away from the field......and then allows coaches (and each other) to hold them accountable to these behaviors


these are a few of our old ones.......the formatting on one is goofed up, but you get the idea.....the kids themselves go through a process to create this using their own words......we have a 3 tiered accountability process to hold them to it........during a game or practice if someone slips a little from the desired behavior, we look them in the eye and give a little fist bump to our heart.......a non-verbal reminder to stick to our desired behaviors........tier 2 is verbal, it involves a look in the eye and calling their name and a "let's go!".....it MAY also include a verbal reminder....... "julie, let that play go......don't let your shoulders slump, let's go!" or just a "julie, let's go!" - whatever is needed......tier 3 involves a more serious or repeated transgression.......it involves a talk from a coach, a 24-hour wait period to comment/reply back, and possible other consequences.......it works really, really well, especially in that it is from THEIR words (versus rules dictated from top down) and it clearly lists the behaviors that go with those words......holding them accountable is easy, and they start to do it for each other in a very empowering way

i do a lot of feedback sessions.....first one in an email to both players and parents......2nd one written from coaches to players......3rd is coaches and players sharing feedback jointly, in a one on one verbal......then players give their own feedback on themselves to coaches, and finally from a teammate to a player and coaches......and all of those feedback sessions include how they are doing in terms of these desired behaviors as much or more as it does on softball skills


so your desire to improve the behaviors is the correct one.......i'd suggest a proactive approach versus a reactive one......it isn't hard, and the value is great.......even if you are into your season now, go for it.......it's never too late!



(apparently two of my covenants are in the wrong format......this isn't the best one, but you get the idea!)

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thing, but I hope that this includes a section where it discusses what the coaches will be held accountable for: e.g., developing the players HE chose to be on the team vs. bringing in "ringer" pickups to win tournaments, being transparent with choices (e.g., why a pickup player is needed for a specific tournament), and communicating with players regarding their progress or lack thereof. Fair is fair and it's a two-way street. Players/parents do their part and so do coaches.

 

[djcarter1966]

Didn't plow through all responses either. Biggest things here seem like expectation management.

Every team I ever coached understood exactly what to do as far as warm ups and being on time (granted always exceptions) but if nothing else they looked like a well oiled machine for 15 minutes and after first couple times the girls led it themselves there just simply was not an option to slack off or not do thing correctly.

Sounds like you did catch yourself being a little hard on the girls and reiterating it is EFFORT you require all the time if your abilities aren't there it's your job as coach to help them get better and in the process find the best fit for them on the team at the current ability level.

Finally clearly defined roles for AC are a must and help so much. If you are in charge of positioning outfield and the HC disagrees it should take more than a 30 second conversation to explain each others rational and come to an agreement if you cant agree its on the HC.

But you are in a difficult spot if the HC is too laid back and letting kids and parents run over him.

 

[Filterbing]

Didn't plow through all responses either. Biggest things here seem like expectation management.

Every team I ever coached understood exactly what to do as far as warm ups and being on time (granted always exceptions) but if nothing else they looked like a well oiled machine for 15 minutes and after first couple times the girls led it themselves there just simply was not an option to slack off or not do thing correctly.

Sounds like you did catch yourself being a little hard on the girls and reiterating it is EFFORT you require all the time if your abilities aren't there it's your job as coach to help them get better and in the process find the best fit for them on the team at the current ability level.

Finally clearly defined roles for AC are a must and help so much. If you are in charge of positioning outfield and the HC disagrees it should take more than a 30 second conversation to explain each others rational and come to an agreement if you cant agree its on the HC.

But you are in a difficult spot if the HC is too laid back and letting kids and parents run over him.

There was no standard warm up (throwing or running/ dynamic stretching) until I created one for the team. There are also no clear duties at all. HC has used veto power to change the line up that's about it. we discuss 5 mins prior to practice what we'd like to do and we do it. Also, this last weekend after we talked to the problem dad's DD for making a video. We decided to sit her for Saturday for all but half a game (2 errors in that half). we talked after the games and decided she would sit out fur Sunday and we'd sleep on the lineup and double check it on Sunday morning. There was no discussion and HC put her in at RF ( had three errors BTW).

 

[hummingbird]

throws up middle fingers to the camera.

That's reason for dismissal right there. If I was the HC, I'd cut her for that alone.
I wonder where she learned that type of behavior from.. smh.