Kinda traumatized by travel ball drama

[Cyder517]

but don’t know how to combat burnout from the drama! Perspective?

I wish I had some magic words or positive affirmations to help you through.

All I can say is this.... the stress of travel ball exposes and highlights family/personal insecurities and communication issues.

I’ve taken a long, hard look in the mirror and know that arguments we’ve had as parents and pressure that she felt from us contributed to her quitting travel after the summer season. There was also
issues with a on the team and a coach who did little to put the in check and actually tried to intimidate my DD for standing up for herself and other team mates. This coach was normally a dictator but never targeted my daughter until she questioned how he kept letting one player slide after breaking team rules- cursing/threatening players/etc.

You realize that no matter how close you think you are to someone, EVERYONE is concerned with the advancement of THEIR daughter, even if it is at the cost of YOURS.

My husband is beyond thrilled to be done with travel. Despite all the BS, stress, tears, screams.....I miss watching her play. However my daughter was done. All the joy of the game had been robbed.

Try to find the best situation for your DD, but remember that no situation is perfect. See no evil, walk away if you hear evil and definitely do not speak of any evil. Stay connected with your DD and her wishes!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Josh Greer]

Some of the most enjoyable times we have had is when my 2 catchers guest played for various teams. Since I didn't really know anyone, I sort of sat away from the crowd on my own. My kids know I'm watching, interested, and invested. I don't have to show by sitting with the crowd and getting caught up in the drama. With that said, sitting away from them will probably create its own drama. But you won't be around to hear it. If your kid can hold her own, it won't impact her.

 

[dynamutt]

Parent drama I can deal with... it sucks, but I’m good with sitting down the right field line when I need to. I like that advice! We’re in a situation where my DD is relatively new, she’s outcompeted previous starters and they continue to spread gossip to teammates and lie to coaches about my DD (they’ve been there for years, have cred) DDs never had probs getting along with teammates before... “come to Jesus” meetings by the coach just generate lip service... this level of bs is a first for me - straw that’s breaking the camels back, here. I’m proud of DD for always bringing it and cheering for her teammates, but it’s killing me to see her cry in the car after practices and tournaments.

 

[BT3100]

Auburn read a book this offseason that deals with almost all of these issues quite well. It's called Chop Wood Carry Water.

 

[_MIA_]

With that said, sitting away from them will probably create its own drama.

My wife sits with the parents so everybody just figures I am anti-social (which I am... ) The main reason I sit by myself
so far away is so people will not here me muttering to myself when the coach bunts to get a runner into scoring position...down by 7 runs!!

 

[riseball]

I think it gets better as they get older maybe. I've wandered through some tournaments for 16U and 18U girls and there are like 3 parents watching and they're barely paying attention. We're so invested when they're young. DH has been coaching a couple of years now and the drama, so far, is 99% adults and 1% kids. It's depressing.

To your point that 99% from the adult caused drama is often from 10% of the parents. Many teams would be just fine if they could get a few parents to stay home. Remember back in the day having a very special dad who often worked weekends. Not saying I scheduled tournaments on those weekends but if given the option...

 

[Westwind]

Some advice that I learned at work...

When someone asks you what you think about someone or something (ex: Don't you think coaches kid pitches too much?)
Just reply: You know, I haven't really thought all that much about that. Or let me think that over and get back to you.

If you share an opinion, no matter how innocent it will be twisted, and will become what "you" said.

Avoid comparisons, people will try to suck you into that trap. "Who you think it better, sally or sandy"
Same reply as above: You know, I haven't really thought all that much about that. Or let me think that over and get back to you.

Don't ever... hang out with the parents at night... Not even for one beer..

Don't offer to assist with coaching unless you are asked.

Don't invite kids from your team to parties. Keep business and fun completely separated.

Don't ask people to help if the team needs guest players. That will come back to bite you no matter what.

Don't talk about what schools maybe interested in your kid or what camps you plan to attend.

Don't recommend any types of fundraisers.

That's a short list but you get the point.

This is really good. I don’t know why but the only two drama filled teams my dd’s were ever on had coaches who wanted to have constant team dinners, constant team fundraisers and constant team building events. We hit the exit after one year on both.

You join a softball team so your daughter can play softball. Not to make friends. You already have friends and so does she. It sounds really harsh, and you and your daughter WILL make lifelong friends through softball but the purpose of a softball team is to practice and play softball. Nothing else. It does not “add to the experience”. If your daughter is 10u, don’t start that overnight stuff either. Just find a way to make sure it doesn’t happen the first time. You can thank me later, lol.

I’ll add this: every high school coach in my area is creating school district based feeder teams lately. These are absolute hotbeds for politics and parent crazies. All the goofiness from all the other school sports with the same parents and same kids and all the same friction gets carried over and has a new place to bloom.

 

[FP26]

I have found the last few posts very interesting. I'm sure there is a lot of truth to what was written, but our experience has been different. From 12u to 23u, DD played for 3 travel organizations.

1) Played for the first one for one year, left for a year (long story...) and came back for 2 more. This was a wonderful organization. DD still has several friends from that team, as do DW and I. We stay in touch with a few of them. Ultimately DD left this team the 2nd time because most of the players were not interested in college softball. It was her goal and she wanted to join a team that participated in higher level events and had similar goals.
2) The 2nd organization was a huge mistake that I will save for another time. She played one year for this team. She developed two close friends from that group that she still stays in touch with. DW and I also stay in touch with those two families.
3) She has played for the 3rd organization for 3 years so far and has numerous close friends from this group. DW and I also have several close friends among the parents.

I can definitely see how this dynamic can be a challenge. And honestly, from what I have seen, our experience is probably not typical. We have been lucky, and count our blessings because of it.

 

[BT3100]

This is really good. I don’t know why but the only two drama filled teams my dd’s were ever on had coaches who wanted to have constant team dinners, constant team fundraisers and constant team building events. We hit the exit after one year on both.

You join a softball team so your daughter can play softball. Not to make friends. You already have friends and so does she. It sounds really harsh, and you and your daughter WILL make lifelong friends through softball but the purpose of a softball team is to practice and play softball. Nothing else. It does not “add to the experience”. If your daughter is 10u, don’t start that overnight stuff either. Just find a way to make sure it doesn’t happen the first time. You can thank me later, lol.

I’ll add this: every high school coach in my area is creating school district based feeder teams lately. These are absolute hotbeds for politics and parent crazies. All the goofiness from all the other school sports with the same parents and same kids and all the same friction gets carried over and has a new place to bloom.

1000 thumbs up.

Where the drama begins is where the line blurs.. Families try to "create" friendships between the girls. I think some people feel bad that they are "taking" girls away from their friends to play ball so they try to create these "softball friends". It doesn't work that way, many of the girls have their own group of friends, some are softball some are not. Friendships need to be developed organically, not forced with team building etc. BTW my profession includes facilitating team building events, so I have a fairly good understanding of how to build and assimilate teams. On DD's team there are a few girls who are upper level students (top 1% in the nation) and there are a few who are working as hard as they can to just get by. There are some girls who are driving and others who are not even ready to think about that. Some who are into boys and some who have not began that journey. What links these kids is a game they love and some will get closer to others organically, not by being forced by parents. Imagine trying to force your DD to like a boy because you think that he's a good companion. You would never do that, but many try to do that with "the girls".
Also this family bonding is a joke. It's all dandy when the team is winning, but look out when they lose 4 of 5 or worse yet when tryouts happen and one of the more influential parents kid doesn't make the team for the next season.

 

[Strike2]

Wow...so much good stuff here. Some thoughts...

It does get easier as the girls get older. Parents of 8-12 year-olds are often crazy and they wear it on their sleeve, and I'm speaking as a reformed nut-case.

Your kid is there to play ball and you're there to support her. You're not there to make everyone your friend, although you both will likely form at least a few lasting friendships. Players are hopefully chosen based on skills and the ability to positively relate to coaches and team mates, but that doesn't mean everyone is a "bestie". DD manages to get along with everyone, but only has a couple of long-term friends on her team and, absent softball, wouldn't have anything to do with most of them. As others have correctly observed, that "softball family" stuff is all fine when you're winning, but even being actual "family" doesn't prevent some pretty horrendous behavior when things go south.

Everything relating to your kids, especially sports, is a series of compromises. Once you understand that, you'll figure out what you can reasonably live with, and what you need to put in the rear-view mirror. The "perfect situation" is not only elusive, but very fleeting. People looking for that greener grass often discover a worse situation than what they had before. Every coach and team has flaws, but the question to ask yourself is whether the positives outweigh those negatives.

If you don't like the parents, that's easy...get away from them. Sit down the fence line by yourself. Alternatively, if you have some softball experience, you might get asked to help coach on every team you join. That also has its advantages and challenges. First, you're in the dugout away from the parents. Other nice things include being able to directly support your DD, freely bitch about players with other coaches, and perhaps even influence events. You can also talk to the HC about his choices because he's given you at least tacit permission. Just know when you need to hold your tongue and get in line...it's the HC's team, not yours. Don't talk much about your own kid unless it's in the context of them fixing a weakness. The worst part is that you have to deal with ALL the players, some of whom you might eventually hate.

I don't agree that you and your kid should be totally anti-social and only there for "business". The "family" BS aside, some positive interaction by players, coaches, and parents away from softball builds a foundation that may help the team through a rough patch. Getting to know that coach a little off the field may provide insight on their thinking and keep you from wondering so much about what they're doing. Do your best to support the team when asked, but don't be too helpful, even as a coach. Don't offer up ideas about new players unless there's a pressing need, you're specifically asked, and bringing that player onboard can't displace your own kid.