I love coaching, but my daughter hates me.

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May 24, 2013
12,461
113
So Cal
I was an AC on every team my DD was on in 8U-10U rec, and 10U-12U TB. Things grew more and more adversarial over the years. As much as I really tried to treat her exactly the same as the other players when we were on the field, she always felt like I was being different with her. It lead to a lot of rough moments, and I could feel a resentment growing. Moving to a different team and org for 14U, where I wasn't one of the coaches, was better for both of us. I also separated myself from her hitting instruction. We would still look at video of her swings together, and talk about what was really working, but I kept my mouth shut during any hitting sessions together.

Sure, I loved coaching. Helping young players reach a new level in their game, and build confidence and self-esteem was awesome. I met a lot of really amazing young athletes who I will always be fans of. However, softball isn't my game. It's my DD's game that I found a place to fit into. Changing my level of involvement was the right choice.

A couple more years down the road, and we found a balance. I stay off the field, but being involved with the team on peripheral things (score keeping and live-streaming) is just fine for both of us. That said, I would be fine being just a parent. After all, NOTHING is better than having a front row seat to seeing my DD be awesome at the sport she loves.
 
Oct 26, 2019
1,375
113
My father played professionally and coached college and HS. He was very well known in our area for coaching and very well respected. I say that to say this.

When I was 9 I told him if he coached me anymore I didn’t want to play. We were truly disfunctional. Honestly, looking back it was probably more telling of me than him. He would say try to swing harder and I would swing slower just to make him mad. He coached my brother all the way through high school. They got along great and my brother loved playing for him.

When my dad stopped coaching me and just became a fan/dad our relationship was never better. He passed away when I was in my mid 20’s - I can’t stress this enough - don’t let softball ruin your relationship with your DD.
 

BigSkyHi

All I know is I don't know
Jan 13, 2020
1,385
113
Even though I truly love coaching, some 30 years ago I voluntarily gave up coaching my son and daughter when they turned 13 because I believed it was time for then to learn from others.

What happened was wonderful and exciting. I became a ‘dirt rat’ coach. My kids and their friends would get together and I was the designated fungo hitter. Sometimes we would have up to 20 boys and girls show up just to catch and throw. No instruction, just them playing.

Years later my kids told me how much they enjoyed the ‘dirt rat’ sessions.
 
May 7, 2015
842
93
SoCal
Echoing the sentiment here, sucks to say but I'd let the coaching go. It really is important that you're daughter to learn to be 100% respectful and HARD working for the coach(es). If she can do that for you great, but if she can't then she needs to learn from someone else. If she continues with that attitude with another, it will get clipped quick.

Don't sweat it, being a former coach parent is great! Individual work is SO much fun and the most important thing we can do is to make sure they get the support when they need it after a tough game or practice. This softball path is so long and arduous it really helps to not have added strain from parent/coach relationship.

Good luck
 
Jul 29, 2013
6,782
113
North Carolina
Obviously I can‘t answer for you, I quit coaching my DD in travel ball after second year 12U, it was intentional and planned, me and my DD get along great and always have.

When it comes to ball she listens to me and if I‘ve ever had to discipline her I do, I’ve never showed favoritism towards her, if anything I was harder on her than anyone else. My problem is I’m not a screamer, I’m not mean, if anything I’m probably too nice of a coach. But when kids are stupid or lazy......they run!

First year 14U we put her in a larger well known organization with great connections, best thing we ever did! It wasn’t long before I was asked to help in limited roles all the way through 16U. Her 18U was a National team, very well coached, this coach would ask me to help occasionally but there was usually enough coaches working with this team.

I did coach my DD her last 3 years of HS ball. If I ever felt like I was doing a disservice or being a distraction to her or the team, or if I wasn’t being productive and helping, I’d step away immediately!

Sometimes being a good coach is knowing when to step aside!
 
Apr 28, 2019
1,423
83
I mean deep down I am sure she loves me, but she is a teenager now and is 100% right about everything while I am 100% wrong about everything... 100%of the time; there is no flexibility. It makes me hurt so much before every practice, every lesson, and every game at this point.

I feel like I have to quit being her coach, right?

But coaching just makes me feel so happy. I mean, it gives me such an all around good feeling to be able to help a group of girls get better at something they love (and have fun doing while doing it). My goal is to always make it fun, and always make it about them.... and I feel so good about it when I do.

But my daughter though... man I can do no right in her eyes, and I am more often than not her enemy when it comes to softball anymore. I want more than anything for her to be happy.

Me being her coach does not make her happy.

So...

I have to quit being her coach, right? It's not about be and how I feel... I want it to be for her.

This is so
I mean deep down I am sure she loves me, but she is a teenager now and is 100% right about everything while I am 100% wrong about everything... 100%of the time; there is no flexibility. It makes me hurt so much before every practice, every lesson, and every game at this point.

I feel like I have to quit being her coach, right?

But coaching just makes me feel so happy. I mean, it gives me such an all around good feeling to be able to help a group of girls get better at something they love (and have fun doing while doing it). My goal is to always make it fun, and always make it about them.... and I feel so good about it when I do.

But my daughter though... man I can do no right in her eyes, and I am more often than not her enemy when it comes to softball anymore. I want more than anything for her to be happy.

Me being her coach does not make her happy.

So...

I have to quit being her coach, right? It's not about be and how I feel... I want it to be for her.

This is so common and happens all the time. Usually one of two things happen.
1) Coaches kids get preferred treatment and have too much say in what goes on with team.
2) Parent coach pushes his kid too hard and they resent it and him.

I would suggest you and DD have a heart to heart. Tell her at the field you are her coach and she will respect you and treat you fairly. At home you are Dad and there has to be that separation because you don’t want to bring home anything negative that happened between you and her at the field.
Let DD know you are her biggest fan and only want the best for her. Worst case scenario have another coach deal with your DD when she needs correction or instruction.
 

marriard

Not lost - just no idea where I am
Oct 2, 2011
4,312
113
Florida
Devote your time to being her personal coach and giving her one-on-one time to work on fielding, hitting and pitching.

This goes to show how different every kid is:

I think this way would have been a disaster for my DD.

While I have spent many years out there with her giving my time as a bucket dad catcher and hitting ground balls and front toss (and I am going to miss it when she leaves for college in a few weeks); if I had been her 'personal coach' at the same time that would have not worked. Basically I was a rep-machine for her and if she needed something from me beyond that she asked - otherwise we just chat and she works on what she needs to work on.
 

sluggers

Super Moderator
Staff member
May 26, 2008
7,132
113
Dallas, Texas
if I had been her 'personal coach' at the same time that would have not worked. Basically I was a rep-machine for her and if she needed something from me beyond that she asked - otherwise we just chat and she works on what she needs to work on.

I think we're in violent agreement. My DDs had individual skill coaches, so it wasn't my job to teach them skills. I practiced with them...hitting ground balls, catching, soft-toss, etc.

There are only so many hours in a day...the more time you spend coaching a team, the less time you have to do other things, including working with your DD.
 

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