Dealing with gay/bi players

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Feb 20, 2020
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Hi. I'm starting to feel a bit like a drama queen on this board, but this is a subject that's recently come up on my daughter's club team and I wondered how other people dealt with it. I'm going to preface this by saying I don't care about someone's orientation. And also that my DD is not gay or bi (or if she is, she's not told me that and I think she'd be open with me about it).

We're on a second year 16U team. Most of the girls drive. On a club team of 12, we have three players who are openly gay around the team (I don't know what, if anything, they've told their parents). A few times last year, they asked other girls on the team out on dates. One of them is now dating a teammate who calls herself bisexual, but they have been dating for a month or so. And that's all fine, except I know about their relationship (they aren't shy about PDA around me) and I don't know whether their parents do. But I do wonder about team dynamics when there's a romantic relationship. Our coach is out and married, so it's not like there's a stigma on the team about it, but it seems like it's all pretty new territory. But how do you protect against team damage from breakups and things like that? Or is it just another version of the friendship that girls and teammates have, where fights happen and they are just dealt with.

And then when you get to travel in teh spring, it opens up a lot of doors. I'm not suggesting that gay teenagers are any more predatory that hetero teenagers, but they are still teenagers and I don't know if they are any less predatory.. Are sleepovers all right? late night swims at the hotel pool followed by late-night hangouts in someone else's room? I wouldn't let my DD do that with boys, but is it all right to allow it with gay girls? My daughter responds to these kinds of questions like you'd expect a 16-year-old girl to respond to them -- saying I'm over reacting and being homophobic and no one is hitting on her and I'm sure that's true, but I feel like a parent ought to at least advise some restraint of their child's behavior.

I know that for years, softball has been joked about as a gateway into the gay community (really any women's sport, I guess. Which sucks but that's a different topic). A decade ago, it's not an issue. Everyone stayed closeted. But that's not the case with young people today, and while it's good that people are being open, I still think it's a topic coaches ought to address. How do they see romantic relationships on their team? Are they banned? Discouraged? Ignored? Has anyone had any experience with this kind of thing?
 
Jun 8, 2016
16,118
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If you are not the coach then not your problem unless it starts to effect your DD and then you deal with it like any other toxic team environment issue. If I was the coach I would approach it the same. I wouldn't forbid any relationships but if for whatever reason it starts to cause issues you would treat it the same as any other team environment/drama issues.
 
Sep 7, 2020
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I would think any actions that make players uncomfortable need to be addressed. We had two very good players quit a travel team because of the persistent actions of several gay players. The head coach took the ostrich approach, which he seemed to do on a regular basis about everything. This lead to a mass exodus from the league to a different club/ rec league.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk
 
Apr 20, 2018
4,581
113
SoCal
So yes, it is a problem. Teenage relationships by definition are dramatic. I do not have the answer. Does a coach protect his team from potential drama by not allowing or discouraging any inter team relationships? Does the coach not offer a spot on the team if player is gay because he knows or at least feels it would upset the team chemistry? I have seen this happen. How about an all gay team? What if the drama negatively affects their play. What if the gay couple or couples on the team have a falling out and the number one pitcher and SS quit just before a big showcase? It is a problem.
 
Jun 8, 2016
16,118
113
So yes, it is a problem. Teenage relationships by definition are dramatic. I do not have the answer. Does a coach protect his team from potential drama by not allowing or discouraging any inter team relationships? Does the coach not offer a spot on the team if player is gay because he knows or at least feels it would upset the team chemistry? I have seen this happen. How about an all gay team? What if the drama negatively affects their play. What if the gay couple or couples on the team have a falling out and the number one pitcher and SS quit just before a big showcase? It is a problem.
Drama is drama. You put 12 teenage girls on a team and more than likely there is going to be drama. You deal with it the same way regardless of how it comes about. The SS and star pitcher could just as easily have a falling out because one of them liked the other's instagram post of a picture of their BF...
 

Strike2

Allergic to BS
Nov 14, 2014
2,044
113
Human nature being what it is, and younger people being who they are, it's hard to imagine a relationship that is more than team mates/friends not causing a problem if/when it heads south.

If any of the girls on DD's team are gay, they conceal it very well around the team...and we rarely have any "drama" issues of any kind. In fact, it's remarkable how well everyone gets along. Boyfriends are sometimes around on game day, but they keep a low profile.

I'd say to anyone, regardless of who they are, that what you do away from the ball field is your own business, but don't bring ANY "romantic" relationship into the dugout...meaning the team environment.
 
Oct 4, 2018
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That is an interesting one.

Say a girl on the team is dating someone not on the team. She gets dumped, and the team is a good place for her to get some support and care. And to take her mind off the relationship.

If you get dumped by someone on the team? Yikes. That could get cray cray. Or is it just cray.
 
Jun 11, 2012
741
63
I certainly wouldn’t encourage relationships between teammates but if they happen they happen. Teenage girls are full of drama by nature, some less than others, some thrive on drama.
but honestly even asking if they should hang out together or have late night swims is a touch homophobic. They are figuring out who they are, it’s tough enough being a teenage girl without a parent even suggesting they can’t hang out like they always have because one of them is gay.
If it starts causing problems that affect the team playing/practicing effectively then address it but if no one is getting hurt why is it a problem or a concern?
 
Dec 26, 2017
487
63
Oklahoma
...
but honestly even asking if they should hang out together or have late night swims is a touch homophobic. They are figuring out who they are, it’s tough enough being a teenage girl without a parent even suggesting they can’t hang out like they always have because one of them is gay.

I think this is a good point- heaven forbid they feel like they're bisexual and then aren't allowed to hang out with ANYONE.

Part of parenting is teaching our kids how to have healthy relationships and healthy boundaries and how to make good decisions on their own. While part of that does include setting boundaries FOR them (and those should change with maturity and over time), those boundaries should be the same regardless of their sexual preferences.
 
Feb 10, 2018
496
93
NoVA
No offense meant, but even the framing of the OP--"Dealing with.."--has the whiff of homophobia to me. Are we also "dealing with" the straight members of the team? Why are the gay/bi players something to be "dealt with?" As others have suggested, if such relationships aren't causing issues with practice or performance or team dynamics, not sure what the problem is. From what you described, your DD doesn't seem at all concerned.
 

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