Coaching Boundaries

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Jun 1, 2013
847
18
On a recently locked thread a coach had questions about how to handle bruising on a players neck. Many said it wasn't his problem and he was overstepping bounds. I would like to see some discussion and thoughts/justification beside "not my kid". If coaches are going so far as to monitor social media why would it be acceptable to let a girl show up to practice or games with an outward sign of her sexual endeavors? When she is wearing the uniform she is representing the team. To state my obvious opinion is that the coach has every right to talk to her, suspend her, or dismiss her. True he is not the parent but he is the leader of the team. What kind of influence will that girl have on her teammates? I am guilty of taking less "socially progressed" girls and coaching them up vs the stud that is game ready but may bring negative influence on the team. What are your opinions on this?


Amy take a break, let this one breathe for a bit!! I may very well run into this situation soon and I would like to know what others opinions are.
 
Last edited:
Jun 1, 2013
847
18
We are taking the coach's word for it, and the post could be a hoax. Plus, I don't think 'he' should be looking for that kind of mark or making a judgement that the mark is what he thinks it is or even going down that road of "outward sign of..." Of course, apparel rules have to be in place; most baseball teams at that age have practice uniforms, top to bottom. My players must wear sleeves and long pants for example, and we are thinking of using last year's uniforms as practice jerseys, not because of issues, but the girls like the idea.

If the kids are doing well in practice and games, then none of the coach's business. If the player is either fatigued, in pain, or showing signs of abuse, then you report it.

If the kid is bringing a phone and texting during practice, cussing, making jokes, stopping practice to heckle at others playing on the neighboring fields, bringing friends of any kind to disturb practice, then it is a problem for the coach to address.

The bruising is from someone sucking on their neck, not abuse. An interesting thing you said about the apparel rules though. If it is a given that coaches can regulate and decide what players wear to practice, from an offensive stand point as in no beer shirts, no half naked lady shirts, (boys). Then would it be unreasonable for a coach to consider a hickey in the same manner. It is sexuality suggestive.
 
Dec 23, 2009
791
0
San Diego
Since the OP didn't say what kind of 14U team, I did not automatically assume it was TB. Of course if you have a TB team, you can take whatever steps you think are necessary within the rules set down and agreed to by all members of the team.
 
Feb 17, 2014
7,152
113
Orlando, FL
I have addressed this issue with several young ladies over the years. FWIW fewer now than years ago. After a short direct discussion which had nothing to do with softball or the team. Each after a short chat looked at things much differently as their perspectives changed significantly.
 

Ken Krause

Administrator
Admin
May 7, 2008
3,911
113
Mundelein, IL
To me, what a player does in that regard on her own time is none of my business unless it directly affects someone else on the team or is illegal or unacceptable from the standpoint of human decency. For example, if she is posting negative messages about a teammate on social media, it's going to be a problem. If she's a bully or harassing some other kid (teammate or not) it's an issue. Smoking, drinking, drugs a problem.

But that sort of thing? That's her parents' issue to me.

At some point we have to remember that we are there to coach these kids in softball, not to be the morality police. Unless your team is part of a religious organization. I'd be far more inclined to discipline a player who didn't show up for a game or a day at a tournament than one who showed up with that sort of mark on her neck. I just don't see it as a big deal.
 
Feb 17, 2014
7,152
113
Orlando, FL
To me, what a player does in that regard on her own time is none of my business unless it directly affects someone else on the team or is illegal or unacceptable from the standpoint of human decency. For example, if she is posting negative messages about a teammate on social media, it's going to be a problem. If she's a bully or harassing some other kid (teammate or not) it's an issue. Smoking, drinking, drugs a problem.

But that sort of thing? That's her parents' issue to me.

At some point we have to remember that we are there to coach these kids in softball, not to be the morality police. Unless your team is part of a religious organization. I'd be far more inclined to discipline a player who didn't show up for a game or a day at a tournament than one who showed up with that sort of mark on her neck. I just don't see it as a big deal.

It is not a discipline issue. It is a self esteem issue. If she made no attempt to conceal it so she must be okay with it and it must be no big deal. That said, if I see it and it is no big deal she will not have an issue talking to me about it. After a short and somewhat uncomfortable discussion they thank me and decide that it is indeed a big deal and are usually pretty ticked off. They come to the conclusion that they are better than that.
 
Jun 24, 2010
465
0
Mississippi
As a father of 3 girls, one of which will be 14 next month, I would see it as a HUGE deal. The coach wouldn't have to get evolved.

I know of kids who parents let them drink alcohol at a very early age. Why would this be an issue a coach should address, but a hickey not be?

It's always a fine line, but we seem to view where that line is based off OUR VIEWS. That doesn't necessarily match their parents views.
 

Ken Krause

Administrator
Admin
May 7, 2008
3,911
113
Mundelein, IL
As a father of 3 girls, one of which will be 14 next month, I would see it as a HUGE deal. The coach wouldn't have to get evolved.

I know of kids who parents let them drink alcohol at a very early age. Why would this be an issue a coach should address, but a hickey not be?

It's always a fine line, but we seem to view where that line is based off OUR VIEWS. That doesn't necessarily match their parents views.

The difference between drinking and the neck mark is that one is illegal and one is not. That's pretty clear-cut.

I agree the line is based on our views. But it's not my place as coach to impose my morality or beliefs on your kid. That's your job as the parent.
 
Aug 12, 2014
644
43
It is not a discipline issue. It is a self esteem issue. If she made no attempt to conceal it so she must be okay with it and it must be no big deal. That said, if I see it and it is no big deal she will not have an issue talking to me about it. After a short and somewhat uncomfortable discussion they thank me and decide that it is indeed a big deal and are usually pretty ticked off. They come to the conclusion that they are better than that.

Yes, this. It's an opportunity to reach out and offer some quidance to a girl who might need it. You never know what someone's home life is like and maybe she could use a reliable adult in her life.
 
Oct 19, 2009
1,023
38
I'm right here.
There are a lot of “ifs” here.

If you are talking about disciplining a player for disrespecting the team uniform, or not abiding by a team dress code then yes, go ahead and discipline. Our team has a dress code for games and practices. If our coach (or you) perceive a kiss-mark as a violation of the dress code, then who’s to argue.

If you are approaching this differently you need to think about it while sipping a Zima.

Here is what the OP asked in the locked thread…

Sporting a [kiss-mark] is not okay (at least in our opinion) if we really stick to the spirit of what we are trying to teach these young ladies off the softball field - empowerment, respect, confidence, etc.

In your experience, how can we address this now? Any help would be appreciated.


My interpretation here is that the OP seems more focused on the Non-Softball mentoring, life-lessons tutelage; almost like a concerted effort is made to be above and beyond the duties of a coach to have an influence on these kids’ lives in line with the team mission or motto. While I agree all that is good and important, I feel it happens naturally.

As I said in the other thread….there are boundaries. Read it, learn it., know it…and live it! Getting involved in a kid’s personal life without the parent’s knowledge or blessing is overstepping your bounds.

As I stated….

...If you attempt to deal or make an issue, I think you'd be breaking that invisible "boundary" coaches need to be conscious of, and respect. You are her softball coach, not her parent. If you have specific rules in place about appearance then you might have some leverage; otherwise go enjoy a cold 6-pack of Zima.

However, if you feel she is getting into risky business or trouble, or possibly endangering herself that her parents might not be aware of, then you have my support to give the parents a friendly call to let them know of some things you have heard or witnessed; then leave it to them to handle on their own....Just as any parent or responsible adult would do for any other parents of kids they know. But you would make this call as a concerned parent, not because you are her coach.


Pay close attention to the last sentence… you would make this call as a concerned parent, not because you are her coach. There is a difference between being a coach and being a parent of a friend; I hope you can see that difference.

Of course everyone is different and every coach has a different personality, runs their ship differently, etc. etc. etc....because if it were me, and if some of my DD's friends showed up with a kiss-mark at softball, our house or climbed in my truck with one, I would simply say..."trouble with the curling iron again?". Knowing your boundaries is important.
 

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