physical versus mental

First time poster long time lurker...
Like everyone here I suppose I think my daughter is a natural athlete. She is 14 and plays both softball and basketball. When I practice with her she excels in every aspect. She studies both sports and knows what is going on and what the situation calls for. However, when we get to games she is very timid (her natural demeanor around people she doesn't know). I feel she can do anything physically for each sport but the mental aspect holds her back from excelling. She is unfortunately not aggressive most of the time. Have any of you had this with your daughters? Have you seen them overcome it? If so, how?

soonershok said:

First time poster long time lurker...
Like everyone here I suppose I think my daughter is a natural athlete. She is 14 and plays both softball and basketball. When I practice with her she excels in every aspect. She studies both sports and knows what is going on and what the situation calls for. However, when we get to games she is very timid (her natural demeanor around people she doesn't know). I feel she can do anything physically for each sport but the mental aspect holds her back from excelling. She is unfortunately not aggressive most of the time. Have any of you had this with your daughters? Have you seen them overcome it? If so, how?

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My DD goes through the same in waves. She was in a Club team previously and started timid, but gained a lot of confidence as time went. She started as the 3rd backup catcher, escalating very quickly to the top catcher in the team. Also ended season with most doubles. She started with a new club team this year, and it has been the same process.

This year she made school varsity, Div 1 school and she is the only freshman that made varsity. She started out very confident (this gave her a confidence boost) but that had been going the opposite direction this time, as other players are not as inclusive (they already had their groups and not including her, micro-inclusions, meaning that they will include her for larger activities, like dinners and sleepovers, but when she get to those activities she feels they are not including her in conversations, or smaller activities within the activities).

This is new, and I have seen her confidence somewhat eroding. It has taken her some effort, mental, to keep her engaged with this team, and I think it is also a factor of the age gap in this team. When she goes to her current club team, she feels welcomed and her performance improves significantly.

We have been discussing with our DD that she has the ability, and that she is truly at same level of talent than many others in the team. Infusing pride, on what she does. And reminding her of her previous accomplishments. We tell her that she doesn’t have to go out of her way to try to impress anyone, because then she gets nervous, but we ask her to imagine that she is trying out at every opportunity she has. We also tell her to focus at the long term goal, and to minimize the importance of these micro-inclusions, because the game is what’s important. She can’t control the environment, but she can control how she reacts to that environment.

My daughter went to a conference with Sue Enquist (former UCLA coach), and that has been one of the best experiences she have had for developing mental robustness within the game. Sue is developing an organization called OneSoftball (www.onesoftball.com) that is putting together a lot of material for many aspects of the game, including a lot of advise for parents. That has certainly helped my DD, as well as us as parents, during that process, and all we are doing is recalling some of these points we heard from Sue. Talking to former college players also might help, because a lot of them have gone through same experiences.


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DD will hold back in SB, basketball she gave everything she had. Difference was where she fit on Team and players she played with.

She has been afraid to hurt her teammates in SB, in BB other Team could hurt her.

Trying to get DD to right level for her skills would be my guess.

Coach yelling at them can be another Issue, make them timid.

Coached HS football and baseball for over 20 years. The two best players I have ever coached seemed timid. I think they wanted to fit in more than dominate. It clicked finally for both and one played in the NFL and the other in MLB. One of them could have played football, basketball, and baseball at the D-1 level. Averaged about 12 points a game in basketball until the playoffs his Sr. year. He averaged over 30 a game in the playoffs. Football he played well all year and was dynamic. Scouts all over the place in baseball but I would have to make it a competition to get him to turn it up in BP.

soonershok said:

First time poster long time lurker...
Like everyone here I suppose I think my daughter is a natural athlete. She is 14 and plays both softball and basketball. When I practice with her she excels in every aspect. She studies both sports and knows what is going on and what the situation calls for. However, when we get to games she is very timid (her natural demeanor around people she doesn't know). I feel she can do anything physically for each sport but the mental aspect holds her back from excelling. She is unfortunately not aggressive most of the time. Have any of you had this with your daughters? Have you seen them overcome it? If so, how?

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I think most all of us have seen this. Once the monkey skills have been learned, success or failure hinges on what's between the ears. I've seen kids (and adults) with extraordinary physical gifts be inconsistent, or even ineffective on the ballfield because their brain won't let them. Being on a team where team mates or coaches won't get on you for every mistake definitely helps. A big part of this is that they are teenagers, and teenage girls at that, and they have to work through it. Sometimes, I wonder how they can walk and chew gum at the same time.

Thanks everyone! Your responses are appreciated and make me feel better about all of this. Its interesting hearing about everyone's personal experiences.

It might help to talk to your DD about "the way the game is supposed to be played."

Whether she is aggressive, timid, scared, excited, sad, happy...none of that really matters. She has to play the game correctly.

E.g., in basketball...she has to box out. If she is not putting her body on someone when a shot is taken, she is playing the game wrong. If she is not taking a 10 foot jump shot when she is open, she is playing the game wrong. In softball, if the pitcher does not throw inside because she is afraid she'll hit the batter, then she isn't playing correctly.

sluggers said:

It might help to talk to your DD about "the way the game is supposed to be played."

Whether she is aggressive, timid, scared, excited, sad, happy...none of that really matters. She has to play the game correctly.

E.g., in basketball...she has to box out. If she is not putting her body on someone when a shot is taken, she is playing the game wrong. If she is not taking a 10 foot jump shot when she is open, she is playing the game wrong. In softball, if the pitcher does not throw inside because she is afraid she'll hit the batter, then she isn't playing correctly.

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Yep I have talked to her about all of this. She technically plays the game how it is supposed to be played just not in an aggressive manner...ie she holds back. For example she knows she knows she can get open for a pass in basketball but prefers not to and let others have the limelight