How to deal with DD who is a perfectionist

Welcome to Discuss Fastpitch

Your FREE Account is waiting to the Best Softball Community on the Web.

Apr 18, 2015
54
6
So my 14U DD is a very hard working perfectionist, who thinks errors or mistakes are the end of the world, hung head, tears, . . . She can make 10 tough plays in a row but make 1 error and it's on, no throwing of bats or helmets, just flat out sulking. Our family mantra for sports is to do your best and give your best effort, perfection is not expected nor obtainable, so we apply very little performance pressure.

With that all said, it did get a lot better last summer and during fall Jr. High SB ball, fine through basketball season, but completely came apart during school volleyball. We have an appointment with a therapist, but as a parent what can we do to help her through this other than continuing to tell her we love her and that we are proud of her?

Thanks in advance
 
Jun 17, 2014
97
8
I don't really have any advice unfortunately, but just wanted to say that both my kids (son who is 18 now and DD who is 16) were like that. It got much better as they got older. DS still plays in college and went 1 for 4 which he wasn't happy about the other day. But when he brought it up, it was a rational discussion and acknowledging the fact that the pitcher was good and there were only about 5 hits the entire game for his team. DD who is younger still gets upset if she's in a slump or makes an error but nothing like previous years.

So if nothing else, I would expect that with time, it will get better for your DD! I remember some people commenting about DS that they wish their kid cared as much. Some kids come off like they don't care at all but I think they all just deal with it externally differently.
 
Jun 12, 2015
3,848
83
On our team tears and sulking will earn girls an inning or two on the bench. It's very unemotional from the coaches. "You can't play with tears in your eyes. Sit til you feel better." It's done wonders for some of our girls who were crying over everything in the fall. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I can see getting upset sometimes, absolutely. But you seriously cannot cry every time you strike out. Drives me nuts.
 
Nov 29, 2009
2,975
83
On our team tears and sulking will earn girls an inning or two on the bench. It's very unemotional from the coaches. "You can't play with tears in your eyes. Sit til you feel better." It's done wonders for some of our girls who were crying over everything in the fall. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I can see getting upset sometimes, absolutely. But you seriously cannot cry every time you strike out. Drives me nuts.

Sounds like your coach is a smart one. I never acknowledge any tears on my teams. At least not for a "failure" or a mistake. Injuries are another thing. The other thing I don't do is let the other girls try to "mother" or "make it better" in the dugout; which is something the younger kids will try and do. The next thing you know you have a whole dugout full of players wallowing in self-pity because "Susie" feels bad about striking out.

As for the OP. It may be a physical thing. Not all the kids develop and mature physically/emotionally at the same rate. There could be something neurological that takes some time to mature. Were past coaches over-nurturing? A lot of that type of reaction is conditioned. Taking her to a medical professional is the best thing you can do for her. Better than any guess work the untrained folks here can provide over the internet. Good luck.
 
Aug 23, 2016
359
43
DD is young but shows some pretty severe signs of perfectionism. It's something we've had to work on in school and in sports. It's really tough. I'm glad to hear that you're taking her to a therapist; perfectionism is a tough problem to overcome.

For us, we have to be sure not to pressure her about her perfectionism. She's going to feel how she feels; she knows when she has a bad at bat or pitches a terrible inning. So telling her that she did great doesn't actually help her cope with it. So we have learned to acknowledge her bad days, or innings, or at bats, and tell her that she can't change what happened but she has to focus on what's coming.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes you just have to accept baby steps.
 
Jun 6, 2016
2,714
113
Chicago
I have the same problem as your DD, and it can be crippling if you don't find a way to turn those failures into a positive. I haven't come close to overcoming the issue, but I have found a way to deal with (some) sports failure.

Maybe help her to use the failure to not fail next time. Did she strike out? Well, why? Was a weakness exploited? Work on that weakness. Did she make some kind of mental mistake? Again, what led to it? Was it a lack of knowledge, not being focused, etc? What's the best way to prevent that same mistake from happening again? The way I see it, what happened is over and done and we can no longer control it. But we do have some control over how we handle a similar situation in the future, and since that failure already happened, why not make something useful of it?

This won't mean she'll just let those failures go. She'll probably remember some of them forever. But getting her in the mindset of turning that failure into fuel to get better can help. At the very least, it might prevent the sulking if she stops thinking about what happened and starts thinking about what she can do better next time.
 
Aug 19, 2015
1,118
113
Atlanta, GA
We had a pitcher on our team last year who was very good, but got rattled quite easily and then it would be all downhill from there. I think that girls who become overly emotional and can't figuratively shake off a bad play or pitch become a liability to the team. I wouldn't use those exact words to your DD, but she needs to understand that holding on to the negativity WILL affect her play for the remainder of the day at least. I would try using "real life" lessons to demonstrate to her that being a perfectionist may push her to become better, but also has the possibility to drag her under. Being unflappable is the ultimate goal. Acknowledge the mistake, mentally file it away, and then move forward. And sulking is never a good look on any player. We had a great shortstop who would throw her batting helmet down in the dugout when she struck out and she got her butt benched for that, which wound up hurting the team.
 
Jun 12, 2015
3,848
83
Perfectionism can be so unhealthy. I have a little of it in me that has prevented me from even trying things that I was interested in because I was afraid I'd be bad at it. I'm very happy DD2 didn't inherit this trait. My older daughter did inherit it and you can see sometimes that she's interested in something but is afraid to fail. She's an athletic kid, but mostly only played outfield because she lacked any natural aggression in sports. I know it's because she was afraid of going all-out, then failing anyway. It breaks my heart because I can relate to that feeling, the fear of looking or sounding stupid, or just knowing for sure I'm not good at something. I've gotten much better about it as I've gotten older and I hope I can help her through it too.
 
Apr 18, 2015
54
6
Thank you all for the replies, we have racked our brains on this, hopefully counseling helps, starts this week.
 

Me_and_my_big_mouth

witty softball quote
Sep 11, 2014
437
18
Pacific NW
You have some great insights through the thread. I think it's important to differentiate sulking from a perfectionist who is afraid of letting the team, the coach, or the parents down. Is she an overachiever? Then she probably is feeling pressure to impress everyone and is embarrassed when she "fails." (At least that's how she sees it.)

I know this will sound odd - but don't go to some of her games. When you pick her up, ask how it went? What were her takeaways? This will encourage her to find a couple things that stand out to her and she can process her experience without feeling that you were judging. Our DD is (was) very hard on herself when she made mistakes- not because she's a brat or pouty, but because it just mattered to her so much and she felt she was letting others down.

The best (and hardest) thing we ever did was give her some room to write her own narrative, independent of our assessments of the situation. You might be surprised with how different she behaves when you aren't there. The things that typically would have upset her weren't even brought up, and we heard from coaches and other parents that, "She has really grown." Of course we go when we can, now, but things have improved significantly and she's matured a lot. Hang in there - 14u stinks.
 

Forum statistics

Threads
42,830
Messages
679,481
Members
21,445
Latest member
Bmac81802
Top