How to deal with DD who is a perfectionist

Thank you Big Mouth, I think you are getting my DD and where she is at. No matter if the results are good or not so good, the first words out of our mouth are "we are proud of you", unless she has a melt down, then nothing is discussed, talking about it makes it worse. We never analyze her performance, honestly we don't care as long as there is effort. I have not gone to some games if she has had a melt down the previous game, when she asks why, I tell her how much I love to watch her play, but refuse to watch her not enjoy playing a GAME

ndame88 said:

... as long as there is effort.

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Just food for thought, but why is this the one demand that you have? What if she were allowed to choose her level of effort and let natural consequences take their course?

I think that ''always do your best'' is overly idealistic, or even perfectionistic. I don't always do my best. Some things just aren't that important to me. I might not win my March Madness pool because I'm not putting enough time into it. That's OK. But it seems that kids aren't afforded that choice sometimes. They must always do their best at every organized activity they get into. And what does that even mean? Always do your best? Is that possible? The only requirement that I would have is that she treat other people well. That's not negotiable. But effort? I don't want to force passion. I want them to find it.

Anyway, not saying that has anything to do with anything, but perhaps something at least to think about.

I respect and admire that your DD is willing to give therapy a try. My DD has, and she's benefited greatly. Still on the journey, but better for the challenges she's had. Your DD is young, and it's terrific that she is working on this now, when she's still under your roof and has her parents' support and assistance at her fingertips. With all those things going for her, she's going to be fine. May take some time, but she'll be OK.

I would tell my DD to get ahold of herself and stop acting like a child. I would tell her, children let their emotions get the best of them. Id tell my DD to turn her tears into motivation. Let the sadness turn to something else.

https://youtu.be/ITDL53DTJ7I

Me_and_my_big_mouth said:

You have some great insights through the thread. I think it's important to differentiate sulking from a perfectionist who is afraid of letting the team, the coach, or the parents down. Is she an overachiever? Then she probably is feeling pressure to impress everyone and is embarrassed when she "fails." (At least that's how she sees it.)

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Thank you for writing this.

I read this paragraph to my DW (also my AC) and asked who that sounded like. She said the name of one of our players, the one I had in mind.

She's the 4.0+ student (and has told me she wants to be the "perfect student"), one of the better players on the team, etc. And in truth she's one of my favorites. But she also does a lot of stuff that I assumed was for attention, but I think this description fits her a lot better, and some of the other comments in this thread have given me some good ideas on how to handle her from now on.

The part about this that makes me feel dumb is that I've long thought this player is a lot like me in many ways, and yet I couldn't recognize that she's like me in this particular way, too.

ian said:

I would tell my DD to get ahold of herself and stop acting like a child. I would tell her, children let their emotions get the best of them. Id tell my DD to turn her tears into motivation. Let the sadness turn to something else.

https://youtu.be/ITDL53DTJ7I

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Well now, it *is* entirely different if your DD plays for the


WOLVERINES

ian said:

I would tell my DD to get ahold of herself and stop acting like a child.

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My guess is that she's already been told that in one way or another. She probably tells herself that. But it does no good. All kids go through stages where they're immature and have to be taught a better way of handling things. But sometimes really good, well-parented kids who are old enough and mature enough to know better still can't get a handle on their emotions, as much as they try. And they feel bad about it. Fact that she's willing to get help is a sign of her maturity. Prognosis is good. But it ain't easy or she wouldn't need help, IMO. She would've figured it out by now.

CoachJD said:

Thank you for writing this.

I read this paragraph to my DW (also my AC) and asked who that sounded like. She said the name of one of our players, the one I had in mind.

She's the 4.0+ student (and has told me she wants to be the "perfect student"), one of the better players on the team, etc. And in truth she's one of my favorites. But she also does a lot of stuff that I assumed was for attention, but I think this description fits her a lot better, and some of the other comments in this thread have given me some good ideas on how to handle her from now on.

The part about this that makes me feel dumb is that I've long thought this player is a lot like me in many ways, and yet I couldn't recognize that she's like me in this particular way, too.

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It's a special Coach who tries to get into the heads of the players and understand their view of the world. You will help her become a better person and more confident just from recognizing what she's about. Reinforcing that her mistakes help her grow and that you have a sense of humor makes all the difference. She can handle your anger. She can handle being yelled at. She'll go all to pieces if she thinks she let you down.

My DD is an overachiever, hates to lose and hates to fail. Sees every mistake as a personal failure on her part and therefore a disappointment to her teammates, coaches and her parents. We are not pushers. We don't have crazy expectations - and we aren't ever disappointed in her, contrary to what some people might think based on her intensity. We got her involved in sports to help her find balance! Joke's on us, though. We are the, "We love to watch you play" parents!

So when I see others post about their version of my child, all I can do is offer what I've learned. She isn't a brat, and she isn't sulking. If you see tears - LEAVE HER ALONE. She's processing. And we just get her food after the game, no matter what the outcome.

Me_and_my_big_mouth said:

It's a special Coach who tries to get into the heads of the players and understand their view of the world. You will help her become a better person and more confident just from recognizing what she's about. Reinforcing that her mistakes help her grow and that you have a sense of humor makes all the difference. She can handle your anger. She can handle being yelled at. She'll go all to pieces if she thinks she let you down.

My DD is an overachiever, hates to lose and hates to fail. Sees every mistake as a personal failure on her part and therefore a disappointment to her teammates, coaches and her parents. We are not pushers. We don't have crazy expectations - and we aren't ever disappointed in her, contrary to what some people might think based on her intensity. We got her involved in sports to help her find balance! Joke's on us, though. We are the, "We love to watch you play" parents!

So when I see others post about their version of my child, all I can do is offer what I've learned. She isn't a brat, and she isn't sulking. If you see tears - LEAVE HER ALONE. She's processing. And we just get her food after the game, no matter what the outcome.

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The girl on our team doesn't cry, which means she probably internalizes everything. It's too much and too difficult to explain it all, but I can think of some moments from practices where I think she was probably doing that. And who knows, maybe she goes home and cries about the smallest failures, though I hope that isn't the case.

I'm looking forward to our practices/games next week now.

DD played with a great 1st baseperson a couple years. DD would stair daggers at her and she would take it and talk about something until the evil look left her eyes.