Tournament Championship? But DD Didn't Play....?

How many kids have been on a tournament team that won a championship, but didn't get to play in the final? Both of our DD's have been there... Our hearts sunk with their tears... But what is the result?

Motivation... What is it? Where does it come from? Every experience in life can be either considered a challenge, or just another experience to feel good or bad about. The choice is ours: let life happen to us and dictate our destiny; or take on every challenge we're presented, embrace it, and look for the opportunity to grow and learn? The choice is ours...

"Suck it up Buttercup!" I've used this phrase twice in the last few months and felt terrible both times... In both instances, the kids stepped up and overcame the perception that all is doomed.

One of the buttercups had been a positive and hard working player on my softball, soccer and basketball teams. Early on during last soccer season with a new coach, she approached me saying she was thinking about giving up soccer next year because she wasn't getting playing time and it was discouraging. I suggested she had a choice: she could either accept her perception of her situation, or identify her weaknesses, improve and show the coach she really wanted to play. During the conversation, "Suck it up buttercup" slipped out... For days I felt terrible. A couple weeks later, she came up to me and told me she decided to earn her spot back and was having fun again!

Live life, don't let life live you.


***Updated for clarity***

It's not always about being the star or even on the field. Sometimes it is about knowing that you were part of something. That you played a role. You helped the team in any way, and that made you an important part of the championship, or of the process. Football teams have scout teams. Theatrical plays have understudies. Political candidates have staffers. They are all very important roles to success.

My DD has always been a top performer on the field. During the HS season my DD sat behind a couple seniors that played her positions. All 5 seniors have signed NLIs to play in college. I point that out because it was the right move to have her sit. One day I asked her how she was holding up(I wasn't sure how it would affect her since she isn't used to sitting). Her response to me was, "Dad, I don't care if my job is to warm up the left fielder or courtesy run for the catcher. I am going to do my best at whatever it is so that I can help make the team better". Out of all the hits, all the catches, all the great plays, I have never been as proud of anything that she has done on the field as I was that minute.

The team had a fantastic year. They set records for wins, and took 2nd at State. The HS coach is a great mentor, and was able to put the right girls together to gel. My DD will never forget such a positive experience even though it was not exactly what she had envisioned before HS tryouts started. I promise you that my DD takes pride in being part of that team. She takes credit for being a good teammate and helping in whatever way she was needed. Did she give up on her goal to be on the field? No, but that goal was secondary when it came to the team.

To be a winning team, everyone must buy in. From the CEO to the janitor. You are only as strong as your weakest link.


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The ability to frame things in a positive/optimistic way is invaluable in life. In fact, that might be the best gift we can give our children.

That said, children also must learn when to make the best of a situation and when to find a better situation.

If a 9-year-old is invited onto a team and gives everything she's got at practice and beyond and then sits the bench all weekend on a 10U team whose coach wants and needs to win more than the players do, then I don't think it's unhealthy for her to think this sucks and she can find something better to do with her time. But if she were a freshman on a varsity HS team, I would have a different take. Hopefully, she would too.

For DD and me it would depend on the reason she didn't see the field. Could be a few good reasons and a few bad resons.

One of my reasons, which does not happen very often, is the player that plays 100% of the time will sit a game if I can get away with it. Let the players getting less innings play entire game.

To me there is little value in sitting on the bench for an entire tournament. I'm sure you'll hear the "it builds great character", "it gives her motivation", "blah, blah, blah,", but I'm a big believer in putting your child in a position to succeed.

If she is sitting because she is the worse player on the team, then that is the parents fault for putting her in Rep A when she should be in Rep B. Just because your DD makes a team does not mean she should be put on the team. You really need to evaluate where she is compared to the other girls.

If she is sitting because the coach is an rear and can't evaluate talent (or puts his inferior DD in all the time), then that is another story.

The average DD plays to the age of 15, and it is really important to make it the most enjoyable/rewarding experience possible.

Are my dreams of her driving herself to practices and lessons beimg squashed? If she can drive she might prefer to drive somewhere else?

Chaz McNulty said:

To me there is little value in sitting on the bench for an entire tournament. I'm sure you'll hear the "it builds great character", "it gives her motivation", "blah, blah, blah,", but I'm a big believer in putting your child in a position to succeed.

If she is sitting because she is the worse player on the team, then that is the parents fault for putting her in Rep A when she should be in Rep B. Just because your DD makes a team does not mean she should be put on the team. You really need to evaluate where she is compared to the other girls.

If she is sitting because the coach is an rear and can't evaluate talent (or puts his inferior DD in all the time), then that is another story.

The average DD plays to the age of 15, and it is really important to make it the most enjoyable/rewarding experience possible.

Click to expand...

My way of thinking falls more into this category ^^^^^. If you are not one of the players contributing on the field during the game I don't see the point of being there. I personally would get zero satisfaction of winning a tournament and riding pine all week. If I wanted to see my daughter sit on the bench and cheer her team on I would have signed her up for cheerleading.

Different strokes for different folks.

Chaz McNulty said:

To me there is little value in sitting on the bench for an entire tournament. I'm sure you'll hear the "it builds great character", "it gives her motivation", "blah, blah, blah,", but I'm a big believer in putting your child in a position to succeed.

If she is sitting because she is the worse player on the team, then that is the parents fault for putting her in Rep A when she should be in Rep B. Just because your DD makes a team does not mean she should be put on the team. You really need to evaluate where she is compared to the other girls.

If she is sitting because the coach is an rear and can't evaluate talent (or puts his inferior DD in all the time), then that is another story.

The average DD plays to the age of 15, and it is really important to make it the most enjoyable/rewarding experience possible.

Click to expand...

There is a big difference between TB and HS when it comes to a players ability to choose a team.

We've been there.

The rational adult part of me wants to say, "She learned. She grew. She realized her value in the team. She was happy just to be nominated . . . .blah blah blah."

But then I'd be lying and I try not to do that here. It serves no purpose.

DD was deflated. She held back tears until we got to the car, then let it rip. We said nothing. It was a long ride home. We didn't have answers that were productive, and we disagreed with the decisions that had been made. We were pissed off, too, but couldn't show it.

The details were probably somewhere between parent view (unjust and unjustified treatment of a hard-working kid) and coach's view (other kid was better) - and both parties were kinda right. She'd been working her butt off to improve and she'd been trying really hard to show that she wanted it - but she wasn't #1 and her bat had been lukewarm.

It came down to a few things for her, in retrospect:

1. She needed to play to get better - and that wasn't going to happen on that team.
2. She needed to continue to work hard to get better, so she'd be effective for the right team.
3. Sometimes, coaches have favorites and that's just how it is.

Oh and:
4. Those coaches are off her Mom's Christmas card list.

She's busted her butt this year, found a place to grow and do work, and still looks back on that season as a time when she figured out what kind of team she *doesn't* want to be on.

And sidenote: HS is a totally different animal. This was a travel team situation.

JAD said:

There is a big difference between TB and HS when it comes to a players ability to choose a team.

Click to expand...

I agree. My comments were directed at TB.