Dealing with a delusional parent who thinks he is a coach

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Sep 29, 2014
2,421
113
Everyone is being harsh because we have all been there and done that or at least seen that and learned without going through it.

If I have said it once I'll say it a thousand times WRITTEN team rules at the beginning of the season are a coaches best friend.

Is this 100% a rec team? or are you playing rec and travel?

Sounds like you might be a good rec team with a great pitcher it does not mean you are a travel team. Do you have other options at pitcher?

If you literally will fall apart and lose every game without her and have nobody that can pitch over the plate consistently then maybe you suffer through, but if you have half a chance lay down the law (in a nice way) and take your chances.

Last two cents...I would NEVER let anyone call pitches for a team I coached unless I trusted them and knew we were on the same page.
 
Feb 18, 2014
348
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You thought dealing with a difficult parent would be tough. Look at the butt hurt "advice" you received here about chasing plastic. Do what's in the best interest of the girls, and that seems to be to set some firm boundaries with the parent.

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk
 
Apr 18, 2017
52
18
Is this 100% a rec team? or are you playing rec and travel?

Sounds like you might be a good rec team with a great pitcher it does not mean you are a travel team. Do you have other options at pitcher?

This is a true rec team (all girls from the same school and same grade) that is talented enough overall (not just pitching) to be competitive in travel tournaments. We don't have tryouts, and have never brought anyone in from outside. We would definitely be competitive in the rec league without her, as we have a capable backup. The backup just doesn't have the speed to be competitive in the tournaments we enter, and we feel as though the girls overall benefit from the higher level competition. I want to stress again, that the wins and losses don't mean much to me. If we would be in danger of losing every game without her, it wouldn't change how I treat the situation. This is a 6' tall 7th grader who has already quit basketball because of how hard the father was on her, and I don't want to see the same happen in softball. I know she loves it, and you can see a very noticeable difference in how much fun she is having when the father isn't there.
 
Apr 17, 2017
10
0
Bolivar, Ohio
Good comments guys. I've been arguing with Trojans29 that we need tell this guy to take a hike for a couple years now, but as he pointed out, the only reason we haven't is because it isn't fair to her. We've been coaching the same girls since they were 8 and they are a close group from a small school. I am on the record as stating i don't care what it does to our tournament or rec season. We would win most of our games regardless, but would likely lose close games to the best teams with my daughter pitching. I want so badly to confront him and put him in his place but, out of the 3 coaches, i'm the only one who has truly made it to that point. Out of respect for the other coaches, i'm not going to do it but i'm afraid one of these games or practices i'm going to let loose on him in front of the girls and i don't want that. The only reason i posted this on this site is because i'm so frustrated with the situation and figured it would make me feel better knowing people on this site would see it the same way i do, which i think has been confirmed. I'm allowing the other coaches to come up with some solution other than me confronting him, which will essentially mean they are gone, but i'm running out of patience.
 
Dec 8, 2015
249
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Philadelphia, PA
The reason it got to this point in the first place does have to do with what another poster said. When she started pitching lessons, we fully acknowledged the pitching coach likely knew more about pitching than we did. He has been a pitching coach for a long time, and developed good pitchers. Since the father is at all of the pitching sessions, at first the thought was that he had a better idea than us what pitches worked best for her. Because of this, we let him call the pitches. The problem comes now that she has 7 pitches, but can only throw maybe 3 accurately, but he still insists on calling all pitches in all situations regardless of what is going on in the game. I contend that practice is where to develop pitches that you can't yet control, and add them in to game situations as you get better throwing them.

You can't simulate game pressure in practice no matter how hard you try. I've seen kids in practice throw 15 balls exactly where they want it to go and then get into a game and couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat. When I read this:

His pitching coach thinks she has 7 different pitches, and the father has been trying to get her to paint the corners for a couple years now, even when she couldn't keep from walking girls. He insists on throwing a change up that is literally 32mph and inaccurate, compared to fastball which has been clocked at 56mph. This is a useless pitch and never works, yet because he thinks she has to learn to throw this pitch in game situations, he will call it on 3 ball counts, regardless of the situation.

I fully understand where that father is coming from. He's trying to get his DD to become a pitcher and expects more from her than a "just throw strikes" coach that only wants to win. If this parent really wants to develop his DD into a pitcher, the best thing would be to get her off your team ASAP and put her on a team, even a lower level one that isn't concerned with their 15-0 record so she can get circle time to develop those pitches she struggles with.
 

marriard

Not lost - just no idea where I am
Oct 2, 2011
4,312
113
Florida
This is the other coach in the above scenario. Some of you have made some wrong guesses/assumption regarding this situation.

Maybe, but a lot of us have been 'there' so consider objectively maybe us outsiders to the situation have a view of the situation that you being close to it don't have. Also remember we only have the context that you tell us - and we have heard this story before many times so we have experience.

In fact, being a true, all from the same school district, rec team, we even split these girls up every other year to field 2 competitive teams rather than chase a trophy.

But I am guessing this one is always coincidentally on 'your' team right? Or do you coach both teams.

This girl is not carrying this team by any stretch, but she does allow us to enter travel tournaments and be competitive.

If you need her to be competitive she is in effect carrying the team.

The issue in a nutshell for me is that I don't want to punish the girl for her father's actions. If he pulls her off the team, I wouldn't be surprised if she gave up softball altogether. As a coach, I feel like this it is my obligation to stand up for the athletes on the team, and I would do the same for any of the girls, pitcher or not.

You justify it this way, but I guarantee you right now, daddy isn't letting his daughter quit softball. In fact, this is going to happen sooner or later anyway to you as daddy believes she is outgrowing rec and your team. Daddy is going to go out and find a better team for his daughter real soon if he hasn't already. Just look for 'the' team in any travel tournament you enter. They have noticed her, and soon she will be playing for them. And if you are winning travel, soon she will depart for a team 2-3 hours away who are seeking 'better' competition. Daddy is invested in his pitching superstar and what you have isn't going to cut it for much longer.

deleted all the how we got here stuff

Right or wrong, people here believe you are living in denial. You claim it is all about this kid and you don't want to 'punish her', but what about the other kids and families on the team? You worry she is going to leave, so you put up with her dad which is making you and likely others miserable but you are winning. If you REALLY want it to stop, then you both have to not care if she leaves the team or not. Be the leaders of the team and sit the parent down and set boundaries for what his role as an assistant coach is (you think he isn't a coach - he is. He is in the dugout. He is making play calls. My guess is he wears a team or coaching shirt - he is a coach).

This may be harsh and sorry if it is, but I see this scenario play out season after season, many times per year. As I look over our roster - 7 of our girls originally came from this sort of situation a couple of years ago in 12U (not all pitchers, but the 'best' players on a 'B' travel team or the top 'rec' girl in a league)
 
Oct 2, 2015
615
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Cannonball...great story!

Benny...you got 2 options here...1) confront the dad and tell him to back off, or 2) confront the dad and tell him to back off...if the girl leaves, so be it...

We have the EXACT same scenario on our HS/JV teams...
Except it a mom who's doing it...
She's weaseled her way into an assistant coach role, with literally no experience at all. NONE. And her DD is a mediocre pitcher at best...and more like sub-par...
But in regards to the mom...
Ever seen a 4 year old try to toss the ball up and hit pop flies to outfielders?...ya, that's her...
Ever seen a 4 year old try to throw a ball opposite handed? ya that's her...
And as a AC, she's been spreading rumors about the girls...the AC is doing this! She's said things to my DD's, about other girls on the team, that are absolute BS, just to make her DD look better than others..
The head coach allows her BS, and after I've confronted him several times about it, he got pissed off at me. "it's his problem to deal with" he says.
My reply to the head coach was this... "3 years from now when this aggressive, know it all mom, with no skills has ran off all the other pitchers/players, so her little Susie could be the starting pitcher, what are we going to be left with?...Nothing"
Ya, that didn't go over well...

For the sake of the other girls on the team, Man up and get rid of that cancer of a parent...NOW!
 
Last edited:
May 17, 2012
2,804
113
While you say your concern is for the player my observation is that you are enabling the father. Either make the father an assistant coach or tell him to sit out in the parking lot.

It's best for the player and your team.
 
Apr 17, 2017
10
0
Bolivar, Ohio
Last year in the spring we split the teams up, and i essentially refused to have this father/daughter on my team. I gave the excuse that we can't have both pitchers on the same team, which is true, but really i just refused them. My team did better than the team with this pitcher and went deeper into the tournament. When we played them in the regular season, we beat them, much to the surprise of the father and some of the parents on the other team who thought they only needed to score a couple runs to win. in one of the tournament games against a 7-8 team, we scored 24 runs in 4 innings (6 run limit), and only gave up one out in the game, a force out at home in the 4th inning. Not pointing this out to brag, only to say we are fine without her. Again, i'm confident that me confronting them means they leave, which is fine with me.

Also, this parent has made comments that travel teams asked her to play with them but it was the same date that our team had a tournament scheduled. "it was tough, but i had to say no". If they skipped one of our tournaments to play with another team that invited her, he's done, no questions asked. I also suspect he will not be playing with us next year because he thinks she has outgrown our team, which is ridiculous when we are as good as we are. I want to put him in a situation where he has to either give up control or take her from the team, with everyone including his wife and daughter likely wanting her to stay and play with us. If he forces her to leave under those circumstances, he looks like an idiot, not us.
 
Apr 18, 2017
52
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But I am guessing this one is always coincidentally on 'your' team right? Or do you coach both teams.

I'm glad you proved my point here about assumptions. The best way to balance the teams is to put the dominant pitcher on one, and most of the best hitters on the other. Benny and I's daughters fall into the hitter category, so she generally isn't with us until the team reunites for fall ball.

Right or wrong, people here believe you are living in denial. You claim it is all about this kid and you don't want to 'punish her', but what about the other kids and families on the team? You worry she is going to leave, so you put up with her dad which is making you and likely others miserable but you are winning. If you REALLY want it to stop, then you both have to not care if she leaves the team or not. Be the leaders of the team and sit the parent down and set boundaries for what his role as an assistant coach is (you think he isn't a coach - he is. He is in the dugout. He is making play calls. My guess is he wears a team or coaching shirt - he is a coach).
While you say your concern is for the player my observation is that you are enabling the father.
These are fair assessments. I assure you that it is done with the best intentions. Remember, this isn't a travel team with girls from all over. If her dad forces her off the team, she has to see the rest of these players every day at school.

The high school program has averaged about 3 wins a year for the last decade (Only 12 girls on the roster, not even enough for a JV). We thought the best way to help build the program would be from the youth leagues up. This has put the emphasis on the girls enjoying themselves and wanting to stick with it. We have the added benefit of having an extremely talented group of kids to help that process. Knowing that internally (within their family) there is disagreement with how the father feels vs. how the mother and daughter feel, will make me feel as though I failed as a coach by letting the father ruin something the daughter clearly enjoys (albeit a lot more when he isn't around). I understand enabling the father may not be the best way to address this, but he can be irrational to the point of pulling her from the team even if she threatens to quit playing altogether.
 
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