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sluggers

Super Moderator
Staff member
May 26, 2008
7,133
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Dallas, Texas
She is *VERY* fortunate to have someone who pays attention to details like you do. So, you have to learn to communicate with her as a coach rather than as a Dad. It is tough, and you are human. You will make mistakes.

Your job is to teach, teach, teach, teach. And then teach some more.

In sports, the reactions have to be instantaneous. So, going over what she did wrong and right is part of learning to play the game. However, when you feel yourself drifting into "you gotta want it" talk, shut up.

E.g.:

Specifically, what is she doing wrong? In her last two games, not paying attention in outfield, ball was hit to her that should have been an easy out. She didn't see it off the bat and misjudged it so it went over her head as she charged in too hard.

"Honey, it is really hard to be an outfielder. You have to focus on each and every pitch even though most aren't being hit to you. The way you do is to train yourself to look down at your feet after every pitch, then get the sign, then do a hop, then refocus on the batter. Let's see how many times you can do this each inning."

It was a slow jog. If she would have ran hard the BR maybe could have made it to second, there would have at least been a play.

"you have to run for every ball. When you are on the field, you run as fast as you can. Let me teach you how outfielders run."

When she threw it back, she just threw it back in the direction of the infield, not setting her feet and threw to no one in particular.

"Always throw to your cutoff. Who was your cutoff?"

She vacates the bag into foul territory because the runner was "coming right at her." Runner slides in safe. LF saved the run, fortunately.

"It is scary to have someone running right at you. But, here is how you get out of the way at the last instant so she doesn't hit you. We''ll practice it so you can do it right next time."

Instead of regrouping, she just loses all focus, and pitches grounders until she walks in the run limit. Does not throw another strike, and makes no attempt to beat runners home on passed balls.

This is a very, very difficult lesson for anyone to learn. I struggle with it at 66YOA. We all do it.

When she is pitching, there is no "last play". There is no next play. There is no last pitch. There is no next pitch. There is only now, this pitch, and this moment.

True story: We have a friend who pitched 10 years in MLB. He won a game in the World Series. Not a great pitcher, but nevertheless....he won one, and I haven't. He told her, "When you are pitching, there is only you, the ball and the catcher's mitt."

So, her fault was not making her best pitch. Her goal is always, always, always to make the best pitch of her life on every pitch.

It's clear. I'm the problem here, not DD. I need to step back.

You aren't the problem. You are the solution.

When it comes to softball, you have to relate to her as a player and an athlete, not as your DD.

When it comes to everything else--driving, boys, school, etc.--*THEN* you are the Dad she is your little girl.
 
Aug 2, 2019
343
63
Good news. I've stopped most softball discussion with DD, especially the things she's not doing perfectly. This weekend she started out playing like bump on a log. Not running hard, hunting walks not hits. After the games I teased her about being a slowpoke in a fun way, not getting on her case. The next game she played a little better. Going up there to hit, and looked alive on defense. It got better through the weekend, as I only praised her about the good stuff, and each game there was more good stuff to praise her about, including the best defensive play she's made since joining the team. She even got moved off the bottom of the order, and had a very brief, but good pitching performance in garbage time in a bracket game. She still has a long ways to go, but she is headed in the right direction.

Backing off was all I needed to do, and DD is turning it around on her own. All this time I thought I needed to get her turned around, but I just needed to give her room to do it herself. Thanks all for your input.
 
Aug 2, 2019
343
63
texasck1, your post was particularly enlightening, as I am slow to realize the transition from DD's perception of me shifting from superman, to stupid old man.
 
Jun 4, 2014
159
28
On the way home I was trying to get her to explain why sometimes she's gives 100%, but most of the time it's more like 10%. I started to talk about how we need to play to win, and that's what's important. Not the winning, but playing to win the game (cue Herm Edwards). I stopped and asked her if she cares if she wins. She said, "I like it when we win." I asked if she cared when the lose. She said, "Not really."

Please, please, please do not do this. Never discuss performance, the game, etc. in the car on the way home, whether it's a 10 minute drive or a 10-hour drive. This is a major disservice to both of you. There's plenty of time for talk later.
 
Jan 8, 2019
664
93
My DD was 6 when I was first looking to get her into playing FP. I was watching an MLB game and asked her "Would you like to do that?" She immediately barked "NO WAY!!" I was crushed, but took a breath and asked what it was that made her say no. Her answer "Because I can't do that!" I giggled with relief, and had to explain that there were only about a thousand people in the world that could do what they were doing, and that I was merely asking if she wanted to learn how to play softball, not compete at the MLB level. Her answer was still an intimidated and emphatic "NO!!" I had to let it go and ask differently the next year. Thankfully, she tried it and has been hooked ever since.

She, to this day, and many other players I have known (both boys and girls, but more the latter), exhibit this defense mechanism: "I don't want to fail, especially at something my dad/mom loves and "expects" me to excel at. So, I will not even try." Oh, and by the way, if they are already on the field, the only way they think they can make sure that they look like they are not failing is to fail on purpose, make it obvious that they are NOT trying to succeed.

Check out some of the stuff on the PCA (Positive Coaching Alliance) website about messaging that mistakes are not only OK, but expected and encouraged (ELM tree, growth mindset, parking lot rule, etc.). The only way we can grow is by making mistakes. It will seem corny to read, but honestly, the more you practice it and it becomes second nature, a kid that had been exhibiting the "fail to fail by failing to try" attitude should be coming out of her/his shell pretty quickly.

We still have times that are tough. Like everyone already mentioned, they are young and learning a lot, not to mention that the changes mother nature forces upon them can wreak havoc on them emotionally from day to day!

In the end, it is up to them what they want to work hard at, and our job to encourage them to be the best they can be at whatever that is! Whatever it is they choose will require hard work to be successful, encourage her to not be afraid of the mistakes it takes to get there.
 
Jun 10, 2018
55
18
NY
Respectfully I suggest you do not go to every game and practice. Let her fly on her own part of the time! You hovering and watching every move she makes takes the joy out of the game.

Not judgement, just a suggestion.
 
Jun 8, 2016
16,118
113
I think I know what @Rule#6 's Rule # 1 is..
Respectfully I suggest you do not go to every game and practice. Let her fly on her own part of the time! You hovering and watching every move she makes takes the joy out of the game.

Not judgement, just a suggestion.
Based upon your posting history I think I know what Rule #1 is for @Rule#6 :LOL:
 
Aug 2, 2019
343
63
Respectfully I suggest you do not go to every game and practice. Let her fly on her own part of the time! You hovering and watching every move she makes takes the joy out of the game.

Not judgement, just a suggestion.
You're probably right. I'll probably start doing that with practices. The games, I'm going to the games. There are 11 girls on that team that I'm a huge fan of. I just need to blend into the crowd and keep my mouth shut.
 
Aug 2, 2019
343
63
My DD was 6 when I was first looking to get her into playing FP. I was watching an MLB game and asked her "Would you like to do that?" She immediately barked "NO WAY!!" I was crushed, but took a breath and asked what it was that made her say no. Her answer "Because I can't do that!" I giggled with relief, and had to explain that there were only about a thousand people in the world that could do what they were doing, and that I was merely asking if she wanted to learn how to play softball, not compete at the MLB level. Her answer was still an intimidated and emphatic "NO!!" I had to let it go and ask differently the next year. Thankfully, she tried it and has been hooked ever since.

She, to this day, and many other players I have known (both boys and girls, but more the latter), exhibit this defense mechanism: "I don't want to fail, especially at something my dad/mom loves and "expects" me to excel at. So, I will not even try." Oh, and by the way, if they are already on the field, the only way they think they can make sure that they look like they are not failing is to fail on purpose, make it obvious that they are NOT trying to succeed.

Check out some of the stuff on the PCA (Positive Coaching Alliance) website about messaging that mistakes are not only OK, but expected and encouraged (ELM tree, growth mindset, parking lot rule, etc.). The only way we can grow is by making mistakes. It will seem corny to read, but honestly, the more you practice it and it becomes second nature, a kid that had been exhibiting the "fail to fail by failing to try" attitude should be coming out of her/his shell pretty quickly.

We still have times that are tough. Like everyone already mentioned, they are young and learning a lot, not to mention that the changes mother nature forces upon them can wreak havoc on them emotionally from day to day!

In the end, it is up to them what they want to work hard at, and our job to encourage them to be the best they can be at whatever that is! Whatever it is they choose will require hard work to be successful, encourage her to not be afraid of the mistakes it takes to get there.
I will check that out. She is definitely exhibiting the "fail to fail by failing to try" behavior. Is that reading more for me, or her? I think I'm starting to get it, and if I can get better on my end, and then have her starting out with a more positive perspective with regard to the expectations of success/failure it would increase the enjoyment for all.
 
Jan 8, 2019
664
93
Is that reading more for me, or her? I think I'm starting to get it, and if I can get better on my end, and then have her starting out with a more positive perspective with regard to the expectations of success/failure it would increase the enjoyment for all.

Both.

Double-goal coaching - Help them develop the skills they need to succeed/win, but also teach them life lessons.
2nd goal parents - Reinforce the life lessons, let the coaches coach.
Triple-impact competitor - Learn to improve/lift up self, team, and the game.

Good stuff. Used to be called common sense, but we have gotten way far away from a lot of this basic stuff.

Best of luck! Sounds like you're willing to change to make things better, and that can often be the hardest part.
 

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