Coach/Player/Parent Issue

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Oct 24, 2017
3
1
Long time listener, first time caller. Hoping to be active in the forum now that I finally registered. Need a little help addressing this weekend situation.

Background, I am an assistant coach on my daughters 04 14a team. We recently moved up from a 12b program, and are taking our lumps. I prospectively will be taking over as head coach in the Spring.

Pool play Saturday out girls were cheering, and one girl was banging balls on the bench in rythym. Umpire called time, approached the dugout, and said to stop as artificial noise is not allowed. When he turned around to head back to the plate, our player did it again. From the 1st base coach box I took initiative and told the player to get out of the dugout. After the 3rd out I approached her in the dugout. She at first stated it wasn't her, then said she didn't hear the umpire, then she took the field, tears in her eyes. I let it be. I'm not the HC, not my call to bench her.

Unbeknownst to me, she called her mother in between innings, and said "coach kicked me out of the dugout" and hung up. Quick background on that situation. Mom and boyfriend are not good people. Suspected drug use, seen drinking heavily during games, issues at hotels when traveling, but usually appreciative of coaching efforts. My kid and their kid go to the same school, different grade levels, and we live .5 miles apart. Boyfriend is on probation for some bad things.

About 30 minutes later mom and boyfriend are directly behind the dugout, livid. Boyfriend is staring at me, and says "him and I are going to have a little chat" I let him know we are mid-game, and now is not the time, he loses his cool starts yelling threats, and looking for a way into the dugout. Female Manager takes control of the situation, and gets him to chill out. He stares at me behind the dugout, for the next 3 hours. HC allows the girl to start pitching and play the next game.

I did not know until speaking with the coaching staff after the situation. That the mother of the kid had called the HC to complain that I was being unfairly critical and speaking abusively towards the daughter days before the tournament. This is what led to this flare up. Now I am up for criticism in my coaching, but this is the furthest thing from the truth. In fact, I was asked by the mother to give a ride home from school on 10/11, and had not seen her daughter since. She missed 2 practices out of town, and I missed the following week with work travel. The first time I had seen this girl, was this day at the tournament. Daughter and mom could not come up with any specific that was said or done when HC inquired.

No further incidents have happened. I left for a flight early Sunday morning, and did not attend the game Sunday. I spoke with my daughter about the situation to find out more information. It turns out, the girl and my daughter do not like each other at the moment. Kid stuff, my daughter went to the movies with this kids friend on the team. Kid started rumors about my daughter having feelings for the girl(not that there is a problem with that, but not my kids thing, and it's a teammate). My daughter confronted her, and the girl lied through her teeth and blew her off.

Here's my question, what do I do as an assistant coach and parent. I have never had an issue or complaint with the 15 different teams/seasons I have coached, so this is foreign territory for me. We had an issue early last spring with a girl starting the same type of rumors and issues a 1 week suspension, the girl ultimately quit the team(top hitter, terrible attitude) HC has taken this girl on as his personal pitching project, and is very close with this kid. We have 2 tournaments left before strength and conditioning this winter.

I discussed with HC that I feel threatened by the boyfriend that has nothing to lose. As a 35 year old man coaching 13 year old girls, I feel like I am leaving myself open to potentially worse lies from this girl that can affect my personal life if this girl really wants to double down. I informed him if changes are not made with boyfriend not being allowed to events, and or kid being removed from the team(temporary or permanent) I will be considering stepping down as HC.

As a parent, I have explained to my daughter how to handle the situation, and in life there are people that want to bring you down. I fear that the school situation will escalate, but she's ready to handle that appropriately should need be.

Any advice here, or has anyone dealt with a similar situation. I tried to include as much detail as possible, but I can elaborate in PM if necessary.
 
Jun 12, 2015
3,848
83
Yikes. Hate to say it but if your story is the full story and your head coach won't cut this player, I'd go elsewhere. There's tons of drama in softball that you just have to deal with but that type of behavior is beyond what's even marginally acceptable to me. I will never understand why coaches put up with this kind of thing.
 
Nov 29, 2009
2,975
83
The one piece of advice I can give you is to NEVER, EVER be alone with this girl, mother or boyfriend. If you talk to them make sure another coach is there, even on the field at practice. It sounds like she's well on her way to being her mother by your accounts.

If you're going to be the HC in the spring then cut her loose at that time. There are some players who are not worth the player/parent drama and problems. No matter how talented they are. Remember. The team comes first before any player or coach. If the current HC doesn't have the spine to stand up to the kid and the parents then the best thing may be to leave. There are always teams looking for players.

It's not just kids sports where there are issues. You hear about college players with discipline issues all the time. There are problems with professional athletes all the time. When a team gets to the point of frustration they release the player. If a player becomes too big a headache none of the teams will put them on their roster. Professional and college sports history is rife with many a player who've ruined a possible great career through bad behavior off and on the field.
 

Top_Notch

Screwball
Dec 18, 2014
512
63
I hope you have a code of conduct for the parents and players, signed by both parties, before anyone steps on the field. Rationally explain (which at times is difficult) that there is a 24hr cool-down rule. Issues are not addressed during games or in the parking lot. We will certainly be receptive of your email detailing the issues (get it in writing what their beef is), and then we can set up a meeting discuss with the coaching staff. Otherwise, don't engage, because they aren't there to solve a problem, they are there to create one.

As for next year, sounds like either you or she needs to find a new team. Keep your distance the best you can.

Best of luck.
 
Jun 1, 2013
847
18
Spring ball is just around the corner.... bide your time, keep your distance, and kick her off the team when you are head coach. Gives you ample time to find a pickup.
 
May 17, 2012
2,804
113
Can you kick a player out of the dugout? Depending on the rule set it's my understanding that all players must remain in the dugout. It just strikes me as odd as I have never done that or seen that done before. Where do you expect the player to go and who is supervising that player? At that age we would have a bench coach or scorekeeper in the dugout when the other coaches are coaching base.
 
Oct 11, 2010
8,337
113
Chicago, IL
If it gets to OP is stating I would leave or player needs to leave.

I know I am not supposed to be with player alone, it happens still.

If I am in RF with her, 30 people sort of around, I can not say anything?
 
Feb 12, 2014
648
43
I've always said you cut more parents than players. Sounds like these parents need cut. It's harsh, but it's reality.

Also, listen to Sparky Guy, NEVER be alone with any of the people in question and I wouldn't let your daughter near them either.
 
Sep 30, 2013
155
28
Northwest, IN
Do you have a team agreement? Our organization has a team agreement that has a policy of 1. 24 hour rule about any issues. 2. If players or parents are a problem (excessive drinking, verbal abuse to coaches, etc etc) it's grounds for removal of the player. Parents and players sign it.

We have a parent meeting before the year begins in mid August. I give them (parents and players) clear expectations about what we expect. You follow it, or you get asked to leave. I want to spend my time coaching, not baby sitting players and parents.

If your organization does not stick up for you as a coach and figurehead, I'd look elsewhere and fast.
 

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