Managing expectations

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Nov 29, 2009
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Some of this is accurate, some of it is not. I do pace at times during the game but do it down in LF and I do not yell instructions nor "come at my DD". I no longer go to her practices because the temptation to say something was too great so I just drop her off now and go to a coffee shop. Like I said I realize that expecting her to look like the best baseball players (or softball players for that matter) on the planet is unrealistic but what I need to figure out is how to weed out the good stuff going on and stop only seeing the bad stuff so that I can enjoy it.

You do understand that was figurative, not literal. Over the years I've watched parents make their child miserable by being so overbearing to the point of almost abuse. I've seen kids in tears. I've heard them say " I hate him/her so much." because of a parent's craziness. I've seen them shut down on the field. I've seen them change to a sport/activity a parent knows nothing about. And the worst is I've seen them walk away from something they love.

You're on the right path. Take the above advice. When the kids I work with are frustrated when trying to learn something I will ask the them. How do you eat an elephant? Invariably, I get the Huh??? Then I tell them one bite at time so they understand it will take time.
 
Oct 11, 2010
8,337
113
Chicago, IL
My problem at 8U was I was giving DD way to much advice during games. Once I shut up she got better.

We worked on stuff in practice, games were and still are hers.
 
Jun 8, 2016
16,118
113
You do understand that was figurative, not literal. Over the years I've watched parents make their child miserable by being so overbearing to the point of almost abuse. I've seen kids in tears. I've heard them say " I hate him/her so much." because of a parent's craziness. I've seen them shut down on the field. I've seen them change to a sport/activity a parent knows nothing about. And the worst is I've seen them walk away from something they love.

You're on the right path. Take the above advice. When the kids I work with are frustrated when trying to learn something I will ask the them. How do you eat an elephant? Invariably, I get the Huh??? Then I tell them one bite at time so they understand it will take time.

Thanks, yes I understood it wasn't literal but I have tried really hard to internalize any disappointment I might have (especially during games) as I do realize I am not being rational about it
so I wanted to make sure you understood I wasn't one of those crazy parents ;) My main point is I want to stop being so disappointed all the time..it is draining.
 
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Jun 8, 2016
16,118
113
My problem at 8U was I was giving DD way to much advice during games. Once I shut up she got better.

We worked on stuff in practice, games were and still are hers.

I've been pretty good at shutting up during games both when she played 8U and now that she is playing 10U. My main problem is trying to tone it down when we work 1 on 1.
 

marriard

Not lost - just no idea where I am
Oct 2, 2011
4,312
113
Florida
Ok this post may come off as ridiculous so my apologies in advance.

My 8 YO DD is a decent ballplayer. The problem is she doesn't look like Lindor at SS or Mike Trout at the plate (or Orlando Cabrera and Manny Ramirez if we want to go back further). In my mind when I see her catch a ball going to her right at SS I know what it looks like when Lindor does it and she obviously doesn't look like Lindor. Same thing with her swing. It would be easier if I could mentally file away a picture of what she looked like doing these same things last year to reassure myself that she is improving but at that moment in time the only picture I have at my disposal is somebody doing it at the highest level..if that makes sense. It is especially true when I am hitting her ground balls because it is easy for me to see what she is doing (when I am pitching to her it is harder for me to see what is going on..which is good :D )

Now I know expecting an 8 YO girl to look like Lindor at SS or Trout hitting is silly but my question is what sort of mental strategies do you DFPs use to overcome this? Maybe I am the only idiot who has this problem and if so then feel free to go tell me to see a shrink..my wife has already done that so you would be in good company. Now I will say that this is really for me since I have gotten pretty good at not letting my DD see my "frustration"..but it kind of does ruin it for me sometimes when 95% of the time, whether she is successful or not, all I really see is what she isn't doing correctly.

Got some ideas. They may apply.

Well first thing... Do NOT let her become a pitcher or a catcher because you will have a complete mental collapse.

Second, you may need to make the mental shift of it being her game - not yours. Her 'not-perfect' form is not a reflection on you. Her successes and failures are not yours - they are hers. She is 8 - she is physically not capable of performing some skills or making some throws and she certainly hasn't had time to learn even the basics of the game.

Third - stop comparing her to adult pro athletes. If that is what you have in mind - change it. Go watch some 10U softball and get some realistic images. What do they look like? At this age even 12 months of age makes a huge difference so go see what is next for her because MLB or NPF isn't it.

Lastly - stop making it SO important. It isn't. Go have ice cream or grab a drink after games win or lose and no matter how she played. Enjoy that she is out there playing and hopefully having a great time. Don't nit pick every detail. Don't even bring up the game or anything unless she wants to. The drive home kills many players.

Go ask a 16U parent of a good player - they will tell you when their kid was in 8U they looked just like that. I remember looking over at the older teams and thinking 'How will my DD ever get that good'. Now she is one of the older girls and she is that good. In 8U my DD couldn't throw across the diamond - now she cannons it across like it is nothing.


If you can't do this, just sit there, say nothing and keep working on the neutral expression and give nothing away. I mean you probably develop an ulcer or some skin rash from the stress, but at least your kid will be good :)
 
Jun 8, 2016
16,118
113
Got some ideas. They may apply.

Well first thing... Do NOT let her become a pitcher or a catcher because you will have a complete mental collapse.

Second, you may need to make the mental shift of it being her game - not yours. Her 'not-perfect' form is not a reflection on you. Her successes and failures are not yours - they are hers. She is 8 - she is physically not capable of performing some skills or making some throws and she certainly hasn't had time to learn even the basics of the game.

Third - stop comparing her to adult pro athletes. If that is what you have in mind - change it. Go watch some 10U softball and get some realistic images. What do they look like? At this age even 12 months of age makes a huge difference so go see what is next for her because MLB or NPF isn't it.

Lastly - stop making it SO important. It isn't. Go have ice cream or grab a drink after games win or lose and no matter how she played. Enjoy that she is out there playing and hopefully having a great time. Don't nit pick every detail. Don't even bring up the game or anything unless she wants to. The drive home kills many players.

Go ask a 16U parent of a good player - they will tell you when their kid was in 8U they looked just like that. I remember looking over at the older teams and thinking 'How will my DD ever get that good'. Now she is one of the older girls and she is that good. In 8U my DD couldn't throw across the diamond - now she cannons it across like it is nothing.


If you can't do this, just sit there, say nothing and keep working on the neutral expression and give nothing away. I mean you probably develop an ulcer or some skin rash from the stress, but at least your kid will be good :)

Thanks. Yeah she isn't going to be a pitcher or catcher..that would kill me.

The second point is a good one and something I need to work on I think...my wife tells me this all the time. I guess I should listen.

For the third point she plays 10U now so I know what 10U looks like..and then I forget quickly..:rolleyes:

With regards to your fourth point like I have said previously, for the most part none of this angst is imparted back to my kid. Luckily her coach has long meetings after games so if I didn't like the way she played I have plenty of time to relax and move on. She enjoys playing a lot, is always wondering when the next tournament is going to be and loves going to work with me and her younger brother at the field. What I would like is for ME to enjoy her games..I guess it is kind of selfish in a way. I actually didn't go to one of her tournaments this summer because of all of this but she told me afterwards that she wanted me to be there so I went to the rest of them.
 
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TMD

Feb 18, 2016
433
43
..and I know it is my problem and I need to fix it :rolleyes:

I'm glad that you recognize this as your problem and not any issue with your daughter or her ability/development. In many ways, fixing yourself will be way tougher than your daughter developing her softball skills. Your daughter will get better with time - practice, repetition, physical and emotional growth, etc. will all work in her favor and she will improve. But if you're not able to see that improvement and only focus on the things that she still does wrong (which, by the way, there will always be things that she does wrong even if she turns out to be the greatest softball played ever in history of everything), you will miss a whole lot of opportunities for joy, bonding, and developing lifelong memories.

At 8, she just needs to be learning to love the game while developing fundamentals. And she needs to see you loving to see her learning to love the game. As she gets older, "love the game" can become "love to get good/great at the game".

So what can you do to help yourself? Easier said than done, but you need to learn to focus on the positive, understand that she is only 8, and that she is absolutely getting better. No one is getting a scholarship at 8 (or 10, 12, 14 or 16 anymore for that matter). Focus on her growth and enjoyment. Do not talk about mistakes after a game or practice. At most, say "that was fun to watch. you made some nice plays", then go get ice cream.
 
Jun 8, 2016
16,118
113
I'm glad that you recognize this as your problem and not any issue with your daughter or her ability/development. In many ways, fixing yourself will be way tougher than your daughter developing her softball skills. Your daughter will get better with time - practice, repetition, physical and emotional growth, etc. will all work in her favor and she will improve. But if you're not able to see that improvement and only focus on the things that she still does wrong (which, by the way, there will always be things that she does wrong even if she turns out to be the greatest softball played ever in history of everything), you will miss a whole lot of opportunities for joy, bonding, and developing lifelong memories.

At 8, she just needs to be learning to love the game while developing fundamentals. And she needs to see you loving to see her learning to love the game. As she gets older, "love the game" can become "love to get good/great at the game".

So what can you do to help yourself? Easier said than done, but you need to learn to focus on the positive, understand that she is only 8, and that she is absolutely getting better. No one is getting a scholarship at 8 (or 10, 12, 14 or 16 anymore for that matter). Focus on her growth and enjoyment. Do not talk about mistakes after a game or practice. At most, say "that was fun to watch. you made some nice plays", then go get ice cream.

Thanks. I am not thinking about scholarships or any of that. I had a tortured baseball past which included a torn ACL my Jr. year in HS and quitting baseball in college because it wasn't fun anymore basically for many of the same reasons I am having a hard time with my DD. So I know what can happen. I am just looking for ways to somehow manufacture some of those rose colored glasses I see many softball parents wearing.
 
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