Helping Daughter get out of her own head

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Oct 4, 2016
176
18
Hey DFP. I'm coming to you for some advice. My daughter is a 12U pitcher who is doing well in the circle over the past 1.5 years. Additionally, after short a transition period at the plate, my daughter was hitting the ball well with power.

Fast forward to this season, with the change from 10U where her team won more tournaments than they lost to 12U where they rarely win a Sunday game, there is obvious frustration being displayed among the players - especially my daughter. She pouts on the mound when she gives up hits or the team gets behind. She lollygags to first on grounders that she's not happy with or pop flies (that we all know at this age can still drop) and pouts on her way back to the dugout.

This is a huge departure from her persona last year where, even if they got behind, she kept upbeat and positive. Obviously, losing takes a toll on a player, but this type of attitude is cancerous. Whether or not she's the one who displays it first, once someone starts down that path, the energy on the team is sapped. Additionally, being the pitcher, everyone feeds off her energy, and when she slumps her shoulders, it's going to have an effect on the others out there.

Additionally, she gives me a very similar attitude when I work with her pitching. Where in the past she was eager to listen to my suggestions (that I pick up from her pitching coach) to help her, now she closes down and gives very little effort in our sessions - which often ends up in me getting upset (I'm working on this!)

My question to you is this: How as a parent can I help fix this? The coach has indicated that he is prepared to take steps on his end to stop this from happening, regardless of effect on the outcome of the game, which I am in 100% agreement with. But what can I do from home? She's reassured me that she loves the game, loves to pitch, loves her team and is having fun, because I told her that it oftentimes looks like she doesn't like it.

Ok DFPers! Please let me know what you think! I look forward to hearing suggestions!

Thanks in advance!
 
Jun 8, 2016
16,118
113
Let her coach handle the on-field behavior, maybe a benching will help... With regards to when you are working with her, the minute she stops giving effort stop the workout and tell her you are going to do this every time
she acts like that. If she really loves the game, and wants to practice, she will stop. As to why she is doing this now as opposed to before, who knows. Pre-teens are a "funny" bunch and probably only get "funnier" once they become teens.
 
Last edited:

Strike2

Allergic to BS
Nov 14, 2014
2,044
113
Pitchers are the de facto on-field leaders, and everyone is looking at them. She may not fully understand this. Also, it's very easy for the parent of a kid this age to "want it" more than the kid does. Sit her down and explain what you've laid out here. Pitching, in particular, is something that the kid really needs to want to do, or it's just going to make everyone unhappy. Tell her that if she doesn't like it, that she doesn't have to do it, but she needs to "be coachable", and be an example for her team to follow.

As far as running out grounders or fly balls, this should result in bench time. When this happens on DDs team, which is much older, the offender is immediately benched, no matter who they are. If you're willing to follow through, you can threaten to end her softball playing if it continues. Too much time, effort, and money is required to accept anything short of the best effort.
 
Jun 8, 2016
16,118
113
One more thing regarding your personal work with her. My 8 YO DD is hypersensitive to my tone and facial expressions when I am trying to help her. I've thought about using a ski mask and Siri to convey my
advice but haven't done it yet :p
 
Oct 4, 2016
176
18
Thanks for this. I have always told her that she doesn't have to pitch if she doesn't want to. She always tells me she loves it and doesn't want to quit. I agree with you on the possibility that I "want it" more than she does but what I want is her effort to achieve the goals she presents to me. I am clear with her that if she wants do something besides softball that she should because of exactly what you said at the end "too much time, effort, and money is required" and if it's not fun, it's not worth it. She used to be so coachable. She was like a sponge when a coach - pitching, hitting, head coach, assistant coach and even dumb ole' me - would offer suggestions/corrections. Now it's like pulling teeth to get her to listen most of the time.

I think being benched is likely going to happen and if it does, I hope I think she'll see the light.

Thanks!!

Pitchers are the de facto on-field leaders, and everyone is looking at them. She may not fully understand this. Also, it's very easy for the parent of a kid this age to "want it" more than the kid does. Sit her down and explain what you've laid out here. Pitching, in particular, is something that the kid really needs to want to do, or it's just going to make everyone unhappy. Tell her that if she doesn't like it, that she doesn't have to do it, but she needs to "be coachable", and be an example for her team to follow.

As far as running out grounders or fly balls, this should result in bench time. When this happens on DDs team, which is much older, the offender is immediately benched, no matter who they are. If you're willing to follow through, you can threaten to end her softball playing if it continues. Too much time, effort, and money is required to accept anything short of the best effort.
 
Oct 4, 2016
176
18
THIS! Both of my pitching daughters (I have another who is 10) are the same! Just my voice saying anything besides "Great pitch" or "That was fast" will illicit a negative response from them both! If you try the mask and Siri, let me know how it goes!

One more thing regarding your personal work with her. My 8 YO DD is hypersensitive to my tone and facial expressions when I am trying to help her. I've thought about using a ski mask and Siri to convey my
advice but haven't done it yet :p
 
Mar 8, 2016
313
63
Annesdad

I have been through everything you are going through. This age is a tough time for girls. There are a lot of things running around in their blood that they are learning to deal with. My DD could take and wanted any amount of criticism from me up through 11 years old. Since then she takes some of it personally. Other times she takes it well. One thing to be very careful with is that your DD does not perceive that your opinion of her is tied to her performance. It is hard. You are trying to help them and point out what they need to do to improve. When they are having a tough stretch they often can take this as you being disappointed in them. We want to try and help them so bad that sometimes, when times are bad, we need to step back and just be a cheerleader for them. It is best to save the teaching for another time.
DD's secondary sport is basketball. If she worked at it, her skill set fits basketball much better than softball. She has no desire to pick up a basketball from the end of the season till tryouts the next year. I was keeping her stats every game to go over them with her after the game and do an after action report like we do in softball. She finally told me that she played basketball for fun and to stay in shape and she needed me to be a supportive parent and not a coach. I thought about what she said and realized that she had given me a very adult answer. I put my pen and paper away and just cheered and enjoyed watching the games. It was hard. I like all of her coaches see her potential and sometimes are frustrated when she doesn't get the most out of it. It is not an effort problem but skills that could be easily honed with a little extra work. The only input I now give her for basketball is if she asks.
As far as effort what worked for me was video taping her dogging it in warm ups and then showing it to her. You don't have to say a word and they can't argue about it with the video playing in front of their eyes.
Good luck with the journey. It has a lot of ups and downs. You will make some mistakes. All you can do is try your best and have your daughter's best interest at heart.
 
Nov 18, 2013
2,255
113
Annesdad

I have been through everything you are going through. This age is a tough time for girls. There are a lot of things running around in their blood that they are learning to deal with. My DD could take and wanted any amount of criticism from me up through 11 years old. Since then she takes some of it personally. Other times she takes it well. One thing to be very careful with is that your DD does not perceive that your opinion of her is tied to her performance. It is hard. You are trying to help them and point out what they need to do to improve. When they are having a tough stretch they often can take this as you being disappointed in them. We want to try and help them so bad that sometimes, when times are bad, we need to step back and just be a cheerleader for them. It is best to save the teaching for another time.
DD's secondary sport is basketball. If she worked at it, her skill set fits basketball much better than softball. She has no desire to pick up a basketball from the end of the season till tryouts the next year. I was keeping her stats every game to go over them with her after the game and do an after action report like we do in softball. She finally told me that she played basketball for fun and to stay in shape and she needed me to be a supportive parent and not a coach. I thought about what she said and realized that she had given me a very adult answer. I put my pen and paper away and just cheered and enjoyed watching the games. It was hard. I like all of her coaches see her potential and sometimes are frustrated when she doesn't get the most out of it. It is not an effort problem but skills that could be easily honed with a little extra work. The only input I now give her for basketball is if she asks.
As far as effort what worked for me was video taping her dogging it in warm ups and then showing it to her. You don't have to say a word and they can't argue about it with the video playing in front of their eyes.
Good luck with the journey. It has a lot of ups and downs. You will make some mistakes. All you can do is try your best and have your daughter's best interest at heart.

Great post! I had a similar experience where DD stopped me and said “Dad, sometimes I just need you to tell me you love me”. I just wish I'd have figured that out earlier.
 
May 20, 2016
433
63
I'm in the same boat. I try to tell my DD, who is 11 also, it is just a game, and it should be fun. She says she wants to win so bad she can't get past it. My go to is to tell her "you can only control what you control".
 

Strike2

Allergic to BS
Nov 14, 2014
2,044
113
Thanks for this. I have always told her that she doesn't have to pitch if she doesn't want to. She always tells me she loves it and doesn't want to quit. I agree with you on the possibility that I "want it" more than she does but what I want is her effort to achieve the goals she presents to me. I am clear with her that if she wants do something besides softball that she should because of exactly what you said at the end "too much time, effort, and money is required" and if it's not fun, it's not worth it. She used to be so coachable. She was like a sponge when a coach - pitching, hitting, head coach, assistant coach and even dumb ole' me - would offer suggestions/corrections. Now it's like pulling teeth to get her to listen most of the time.

I think being benched is likely going to happen and if it does, I hope I think she'll see the light.

Thanks!!

FWIW...I just had my DD out for some BP and fielding work. This kid is a solid player who gives 100% at team practice and often more than that during games. We're in June, playing for nearly three months, and her hitting simply sucked. She couldn't find any rhythm, argued with suggestions, and predicted failure. Seeing that she wasn't making progress, I stopped the hitting portion and moved on to fielding. She then decided to field balls like a brand new 7-yo rec player (she's almost 16), and I told her, "field one more ball in that lazy and half-assed way, and we'll head home". Things turned around at that point, and the rest of the session was very productive. She's been playing for 11 years, but had a bad day and started feeling sorry for herself. It can happen at any age and experience level. Periodically, I remind her that everything I do is to help HER succeed, and I enjoy watching her play, but if she decides that her heart isn't in it, then we can close the book on softball and move on. She knows that I mean it.
 

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