That Conversation

The one about how I don't want to see moping, lack of effort, standing apart and feeling sorry for yourself, little enthusiasm, acting like you'd rather be reading your book or anywhere else during practice. Yep, we had it tonight. Hate having to do it but it was time for a good kick in the butt. I've been gone due to work for a lot of practices and DD is exhibit A to why pitchers in both baseball and softball are a little different (think introvert, always thinking of something that is often unrelated to whatever she happens to be doing, etc.), but it had to be said. Hate having to do it to a 10 year old, but in my heart I saw it as something I couldn't let go unaddressed. Gave the "I don't care if you never play a sport again but you better not let me see any of that again" line, and I meant it. No, there will never be any hitting but I have no problem taking away a lot of things she enjoys to prove my point. FWIW, after the tears were shed we still got her the food she wanted and she thanked me more meaningfully than usual. And now I'm hoping we never have that conversation again.

If she plays long enough you will have different versions of it. Sometimes you just need to sit them down and ask what it is they hope to achieve or what it is they want to get out of them game.

As a parent I think it's hard to know what each kid wants. My oldest would make me crazy mad. I gave her a spank at a tennis practice one time.
She was real little at the time. I felt terrible but had to do something at the time. That was when I realized she would rather be the kid in the back
Of the pack. I let her do sports her way. She did swimming in hs and often found herself following( good swimmer though)I never have gotten on her about sports.
She Talked about switching sports as a sophomore and we had a talk with her. Both my wife and I told her we couldn't do it anymore. Seriously.
My 10yr old is a kid that wants to be in front, plays hard,makes my oldest daughter crazy!
My 8yr old is a lot like my oldest wanting to be more of the wallflower... we let her.

I'd just be sure to try to understand what was causing her to be that way. My first reaction isn't to be annoyed or angry at DD when she's like that. It's to figure out the cause. Otherwise, I feel I'm just treating the symptoms, ie, 'If I'm bored and low energy and want to go home, make sure not to let it show because my dad doesn't like that.' Of course, perhaps you did treat the cause by threatening to take it away. That way, she might understand it's a privilege to be on a softball field with the opportunity to do what she loves. Assuming she loves it.

We asked our DD to give some serious consideration to her goals and come back in one week to let us know the answer. She was 10. When she did (she said she wanted to play college ball), we told her we would push her hard to help her achieve her goal. And we have. And we have had LOTS of those talks. Lack of effort means not reaching her goal. So does moping, bad attitude, and bad body language.

On the other hand, she also knows that she can leave it behind at any time. After all, it's her goal, not ours. I doubt she will, though. She wants to live with no regrets, and she'll always wonder "what if" if she quits.

So, having the talk is normal, I think. Having it more than once is normal. Getting frustrated because you see your DD not working to reach her potential is normal. But seeing the smile on her face when she achieves her goals is worth all you do to help her.


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Good advice, all. Thank you. Coogans: I know she likes the game, does she love it has always been a question, she says yes, and to the extent she knows what it means I sometimes believe it. The cause is usually when she struggles over something. Right now, it's letting fear of getting hit by a ground ball or a thrown ball when running the bases just paralyze her, and now pitching as she really hasn't put in enough work lately. I had to miss most of the past month for work, so I'm feeling guilty as well. The fear is strange, we've never really had to deal with it with her.

As they get older there will be the days when they don't want to work. Once my DD hit HS and she didn't want to work she would get the wife on her side. So I would have shut them both up. All I would say to my DD is "That's fine if you don't want to practice. It's not me who's going to go out there and suck." At the level she played at in HS and travel she knew she could not go out there and be average. By the time she hit her junior year in HS the light bulb when off and she would say to me let's go work so I can get home and get ready to go with my friends later that night.

I had a similar conversation with my daughter yesterday who is 11. She had a sleepover at a friends house the night before which as you all know means very late nights. I had warned her before hand that she had practice and that she needed to be rested for practice because the only thing I will get on to her about is lack of effort, lolly gagging etc. She had a very split practice hitting the ball harder and further than I had ever seen, but having a terrible time behind the plate. After practice she was very upset and the reason why was because she said she was frustrated and embarrassed by how bad she sucked catching. I told her I was proud of her that she was frustrated and embarrassed that shows she cares and expects better from herself. I also told her she shouldn't be surprised by the way she played since she didn't get any rest, and that is something she has to be responsible. Then we talked about how good her hitting was that day and she went home and collapsed in her bed as soon as she ate dinner.