How do you raise a truly elite athlete?

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Jan 31, 2014
292
28
North Carolina
There is no intent at being pretentious here. This is quite important to me. DW and I want to help and not hinder the process of DD pursuing her future.

I am humbled by DD's skill and desire. She is 13, and she has big dreams. Huge dreams. I won't describe these for they are hers, but there are autographed cards and pictures of seven former Olympic softball players on the wall in our house (along with Stan Musial, for whom she chose her jersey number, and another MLB player who is her hitting coach).

I don't want to describe her skills. That isn't what this is about. Please accept that a couple of outstanding coaches and trusted coaches have said she has the potential. (I also believe that there are many, many more girls that have that potential who never reach for it, so I don't see DD as that unique in this regard.) She fully believes she can reach her dreams. So do I. We have also spoken about the fact that there are no guarantees, and that pursuing one's dreams is at least as important as reaching them.

If DD ever changes her mind and chooses a different path, so be it. It's her journey. She has a brother who opted out of baseball to go into theater. I quit crying after a month or so. He'll graduate in year with a degree in music performance, and I'm really proud of him. If DD ever quits this, I'll cry longer, because frankly, she's better than he was (but don't tell him I said that).

Every child is different and every parent is different. I'm not asking for "answers" or platitudes. What's being sought here is wisdom from a variety of experiences and perspectives, especially from those of you who have helped your kids travel such a journey.

How did you motivate without pushing? When did you decide to lay back and give space? Under what circumstances did you "lay down the law" and make her practice? Did you coach her, or step away from the field? And any other things you can think of.

I so appreciate your thoughtful responses.
 
Nov 6, 2013
771
16
Baja, AZ
She's 13. Time to back off and let destiny take its course. Play catch with her and let her take BP off you between practices. Be a bucket dad and let it go. Choose good teams with good coaches.
 

KCM

Mar 8, 2012
331
0
South Carolina
I offer my daughter help but she is the one that needs to want it. Right now she wants it but it may change tomorrow and as her Dad I got to accept that as long as it is for the right reasons. We do not push and she has control of her destiny as a softball player.
 
Oct 3, 2009
372
18
There is no intent at being pretentious here. This is quite important to me. DW and I want to help and not hinder the process of DD pursuing her future.

I am humbled by DD's skill and desire. She is 13, and she has big dreams. Huge dreams. I won't describe these for they are hers, but there are autographed cards and pictures of seven former Olympic softball players on the wall in our house (along with Stan Musial, for whom she chose her jersey number, and another MLB player who is her hitting coach).

I don't want to describe her skills. That isn't what this is about. Please accept that a couple of outstanding coaches and trusted coaches have said she has the potential. (I also believe that there are many, many more girls that have that potential who never reach for it, so I don't see DD as that unique in this regard.) She fully believes she can reach her dreams. So do I. We have also spoken about the fact that there are no guarantees, and that pursuing one's dreams is at least as important as reaching them.

If DD ever changes her mind and chooses a different path, so be it. It's her journey. She has a brother who opted out of baseball to go into theater. I quit crying after a month or so. He'll graduate in year with a degree in music performance, and I'm really proud of him. If DD ever quits this, I'll cry longer, because frankly, she's better than he was (but don't tell him I said that).

Every child is different and every parent is different. I'm not asking for "answers" or platitudes. What's being sought here is wisdom from a variety of experiences and perspectives, especially from those of you who have helped your kids travel such a journey.

How did you motivate without pushing? When did you decide to lay back and give space? Under what circumstances did you "lay down the law" and make her practice? Did you coach her, or step away from the field? And any other things you can think of.

I so appreciate your thoughtful responses.

My oldest dd is 16u and headed to Salem Va with my wife as we speak. There are a few things I learned through this journey.

1) Step away from coaching your DD. Unless you are really, really knowledgeable your DD will quickly outstrip your skill. Let those who have done it before with highly successful athletes coach your DD. I am not at all knocking those who coach but for me I would have been a liability. This will also allow you to focus your "softball time" with your DD exclusively and if she wants to be really good player it takes that time.

2) My DD was and is very driven and when she was 13/14 she began to define herself as a softball player only. This can be very unhealthy. In other words, her whole world was great or horrible depending on how she pitched/hit. You have to be the one that pushes balance in her life and let her know no matter how she plays she is a great person.

3) If I could go back I would not force her on those few occasions when she didn't want to practice to practice. Instead I would have said okay let's go do something fun. Maybe this is easy to say now and not practical but it is how I feel at this point.

4) Constantly expose her to the next level. If possible have her develop friendships with those on the next level whatever it is. It is very motivational at least it was and is for my DD.

5) Be her biggest supporter. That has ranged from supporting her dreams to being the person for them to vent to after not performing well. On one hand, you have to be the one that believes she can accomplish her goals even when others may laugh or smirk. You tell her just keep working and keep believing. On the other hand, the biggest mistake I made early in her career was I was horrible in just supporting her when she needed to vent. If she said something like I just couldn't locate my changeup, I would respond with something stupid like I know and your riseball was off too! Instead now I try to say yeah there are days like that lets just work on it a bit more this week.

Just a few things hope it helps and I am sure others will have good stuff as well.
 
May 7, 2008
8,506
48
Tucson
Most of the stories out there are nightmarish. It seems that we don't hear about the good stories - and there has to be many. Think of Tiger Woods. He was raised only to play golf. Think of the Williams sisters. They were conceived so that they could become tennis stars. There is a new toddler (3 yo) on the golf scene, too.

The first thing that I would do, is home school them. Because a normal school day isn't going to fit into your schedule.
 

sluggers

Super Moderator
Staff member
May 26, 2008
7,132
113
Dallas, Texas
I had 2 DDs play sports in college...

How did you motivate without pushing?

You ask her what she wants.

*THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT*-->Your DD has to hear from someone besides you about what it takes. If she says, "I want to play softball in college," then you go find someone who played softball in college, and you ask her what she did.

The college softball player will say something like, "I practiced 3 times a week. I went to a personal coach for softball. I played for the XYZ travel team." Ask her if she were "unusual" or does she think every player on the team did something similar. Again, she will probably say "Yes".

Then, ask the player what position she played in HS and the travel team. She will usually say, "I batted fourth and played SS (or CF)." Or "I pitched every game in HS." Ask her when she started playing varsity ball in HS. She will usually say, "Freshman/Sophomore".

What you now have is someone other than Daddy telling your DD what she has to do. You also have a blue print for her career up to college--she has to make the varsity team in HS as a freshman, she has to bat 4th, and she has to play one of the key positions on that team.

Then you ask your DD, "Did you hear what she said about practicing 3 times a week?" And your DD will say, "Yes", and then you say, "If you want to play in college, you have to do A, B, and C. I'm willing to help you, but you have to agree to do A, B and C."

Remind her of her short term and long terms goals, and how the practicing fits into it.

So, during the year when she doesn't want to practice, you remind her of what she was told and what she agreed to do. She won't always want to do the work (and who can blame her?)...but, if she really wants it, she'll do the work.

When did you decide to lay back and give space?

I don't know what you mean. So, there was "practice" and there was "everything else." I tried to make the practices move quickly so she could get on with her life. Beyond sports, I tried to be the usual "designated clapper" at school/band/choir events.

Under what circumstances did you "lay down the law" and make her practice?

Never. I would remind her of her goals and what it takes to attain that goal. And then I would leave it up to her.

This wasn't necessarily pleasant. But, again, I tried to manage the practices to be fun and to the point.

Did you coach her, or step away from the field?

I stopped coaching their teams and became their "personal" coach. I stopped coaching DD#1's teams when she was 14YOA. I stopped coaching DD#3 teams when she was 10YOA. (The sooner you quit, the better.)

There are several reasons for this:

1) Maintaining my own sanity. Your DD has to put in 60 to 90 minutes a day--which means you have to put in 60 to 90 minutes a day with her. I would get home at 6PM, eat supper and go to practice. I need some time for me and the rest of my family.
2) Your DD has to learn how to work with other coaches. Every coach is different. She has to learn how to get their attention and how to get playing time.
3) If your DD really is "elite", she shouldn't have any time being the best and getting the most playing time, no matter who the coach is.
4) It is *IMPOSSIBLE* for a Daddy to be fair to his own DD or others when he coaches the team. Either (a) the Daddy favors his DD or (b) Daddy divides up playing time equally. In either situation, your DD isn't learning the reality of sports--performers play more than non-performers.
 
Last edited:

marriard

Not lost - just no idea where I am
Oct 2, 2011
4,312
113
Florida
Some things you may not be thinking about:

- Fitness program outside softball. Weights, core strength building, stamina, etc... All things softball alone doesn't necessarily build but all are useful for an elite athlete to maximize their skills and traits. Core strength especially. This is also easier to manage than a second sport (cardio focus) which is also an option.
- Secondary concentration, preferably academic. The most elite athlete I ever knew destroyed his knee at 17 and never played sports again.
- Getting her proper instruction for all aspects of the game and additional work on top of that
- Making sure she is playing the appropriate level for her current skill set. No use playing for the best team she can make if she isn't gong to play. That goes for all levels of player. On the field = experience = getting better. You have to have success to continue to succeed.
- Time management help. You can help now, but if she can get skills in this area it will be massively long term useful
- Time to rest. Sometimes it has to be forced on them if they are truly driven. Body does need to recover every now and then.
- Reassessment time. At least twice per year reassess where she is in the process. Reset goals if necessary.
- Continue to develop psychically as an elite athlete - yeah you have virtually no control over this but it has to be pointed out. Your 12/13 year old physical specimen may never get taller/faster/stronger or everyone else catches up or they start running into more elite athletes as they move up the ladder. This can be demoralizing for many young athletes - no longer are they as far in front of their peers as they are used to or even worse they are behind. When this happens it can be a crucial point in their long term future in the sport - many give up at this point.

And one more tangential thought:

Eligibility for a passport for other countries. This can be massively useful and open up opportunities you are probably not thinking about.
- Check eligible Junior National Teams - are they touring the USA, playing some tournaments. Maybe you can join in - believe me they would love to know an elite player in the USA system is eligible to play for them some day.
- Also if you want to play past college, but can't make Team USA or NPF, you might be able to make team Netherlands or somewhere else. You an play in some countries pro, semi-pro or even at a high level until you can no longer play or even FOR some countries that need players. If you are eligible of course - a lot of places will limit the number of non-nationals on a team - but if you are eligible for a passport you will count as a local.
 
Last edited:
Oct 4, 2011
663
0
Colorado
She has to be on the absolute best team that she can possibly be on. For some of the elite players here in Colorado, that means traveling out of state to play. The motivation and desire to train have to come from your DD, but you can help by giving her the best chance to be on a top team with great coaches.
 

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