Dealing with Upperclassmen making it hard on DD

My DD made Varsity last year as a freshman and upperclassmen did not welcome her. My DD was the only freshman along with only one sophomore to make Varsity. She was a starter pretty much all year at an alternative position (outfield) she normally is the starting catcher for her travel team, however her high school starting catcher is two years her senior and local All Area Player of the Year and her travel team won a national championship. DD accepted the fact that it is this other girls time and she will have to bide her time until other girl graduates out, so it's outfield for now and she understands this. DD batted third in the order pretty much all year and finished in the top two or three in hitting on the team that won regionals in one of the toughest areas of the entire state.
I think this all was part and parcel of why she had the troubles with the upperclassmen because my daughter burst on the scene and outshined these older girls and they got their noses bent out of shape and started treating my DD as an outcast, rarely talked to her at practices, bus rides, etc. etc. instead of treating her like an asset. There was a point where my DD just started to shut down because of this, nobody likes feeling like an outcast. It got so bad she wanted to quit. Her coach even approached my wife about DD acting as if DD had no desire to even be there. My wife informed him that DD was shutting down as a result of the treatment. He assured DW that he would get to the bottom of it but nothing really lasting took place.
Now with team meeting for softball players at our doorstep my DD broke down in tears this evening and was saying she didn't want to tryout for high school because nothing has really changed with these upperclassmen in her interactions during conditioning in the off season leading up to tryouts in a little over a month.
My question is this, what can I do as a parent to help my DD to get through this? Thoughts, suggestions, or do I stay out of it and let her work through this? What can I say or do to my DD to help her get through this? Anyone been through this before with you DD and what did you do to help her get through it? Any thoughts and/or suggestions are welcome.

Although we haven't been through this in HS, We have had this problem on several of DD's TB teams. Everyone was great to each other until they started playing tournaments. By the middle of the season, DD was down to only 1-2 girls that would talk to and hang out with her during the tournaments because she outshined them on the field. The first time this happened, DD went through the same thing as yours did; she started to shut down. After digging and finding out what it was about, we had our talk with her.

We simply told her (paraphrased) she needs to figure out the reason she is playing the game. Even though softball may be a team sport, if she loves the game and the competition, then she needs to continue to play. The difference is, she needs to play for herself and not the team. She needs to play her hardest and at her highest level so she doesn't let herself down. We also told her that her teammates will either love her or dislike her depending on whether they believe in the team concept or not. Those that believe in the sacrifices necessary for the team to win will love her for what she contribute. The ones that are all about "ME" will be the ones that dislike her because they are jealous they are not as good and riding the pine. Lastly, we told her that unfortunately, she will see a lot of that throughout her life. The average person is going to dislike those that are more successful than them whether it's in love, softball, business or whatever. If they are going to dislike her anyway , be the absolute best she can be so she can really piss them off and give them a real reason.

JMHO, I could not care less if DD plays HS ball or not. I am not trying to open the play/not play HS debate again. There are Pros and Cons to everything, including HS ball. If it were me and my DD, I'd leave her alone. Your DD fulfilled her commitment to the team last year by finishing out the season. If she doesn't want to renew another one, don't make her. It sounds as if nothing would change anyway either with the coach or the attitude of the girls. Why force your DD to be miserable?

Just gotta keep her head down and her mouth shut. Work her tail off to prove to them that she belongs there. It happens EVERYWHERE!

coach james said:

Just gotta keep her head down and her mouth shut. Work her tail off to prove to them that she belongs there. It happens EVERYWHERE!

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CJ, I may be wrong, but from what I've read in the OP, I got that his DD already proved she belonged there by having a solid stick, good attitude and playing as a starting outfielder.

Tell her to punch a couple of those B***h in the mouth. If they don't respect her, have them fear her. Not kidding either.

I hope this will be a good thread. My DD is a freshman this yr. Played fall ball with the HS team...starting pitcher (sr) was a little jealous. SR pitcher played catch with her and was throwing bullets at her from 40 ft...so my DD started throwing bullets back...before it escalated warm ups were over. My dd wanted to know why she was throwing so hard at her at a close distance. I asked why was she was throwing bullets back at her...like a true 14 yr old with no clue...her answer was because I thought that's the way she wanted to play catch.

A part of me would like them to keep her at JV other part says I hope she plays varsity. I don't know.

This happens at all levels I guess. I could see the resentment on 10 year old faces at a simple rec. workout over the weekend. My DD isn't even near many of them in skill, but when she mentioned pitching, you could just see the disgust at anyone even wanting to try and play "their" position.

But of the kids that I noticed it in, you could easily spot each of their parents. 3 of them are coaches and I could see the other 2-3 in the stands. You could see the angst on the faces of all parents when their DD didn't do quite so well. These kids are seeking the approval of the parents and who knows what these parents say to these kids after the practices and games about a younger kids coming in a showing em how its done.

If your daughter wants to play High School ball, then she should stay and try to realize that these girls have nothing against her, but what her skill represents to their self-esteem and most likely the relationship to their parents. They were top dog, and now they aren't. Anyone gets grumpy in that situation.

So at the end of the day, if she wants to play school ball, she could suck it up, play for JV or just wait till the other kids to graduate to try out. There is nothing wrong with wanting to play on your high school team. That is what most kids grew up thinking was the high point. Travel is an adult concept introduced to kids--it is nothing they thought of doing on their own, I am sure.

Best of luck!

GG

Sorry for your daughter. Mine will be in 9th grade next year and wants to start on varsity. Not sure she's good enough, but if she were to experience what your daughter is going through, she'd take that very hard. You can tell her to focus on the softball and play for herself, which she has little choice but to do, but as parents we shouldn't pretend that it doesn't matter to our daughters whether they are accepted and respected by their teammates. It's a big part of why they play. It would be like saying you can hit but you can't play the field. If you aren't accepted or liked by your teammates, you aren't getting the full experience of what makes the game fun.

Don't force her to play HS ball. What a toxic atmosphere for her to be in! If the coach hasn't stepped up and said "This is a team, not a social club," then it is time to move on. HS is stressful enough, without this nonsense going on.

My DD moved up from JV, to Varsity at the end of her freshman season and she was welcomed. I even remember an upperclassman staying with her one evening, when I was late picking her up.

Have her pick another club - weight lifting, running, year book, etc. and move on.

My dd is a freshman this year, and while she hasn't had a lot of hostility from the upper classmen, the clicks are definitely established. However, DD has dealt with being "outcast" before (she's 100% nerd and is just now coming out of her shell); so while she notices how she's being treated, she has learned to ignore it and let it slide like water down her back. Additionally, the varsity team only has ONE pitcher, and she has NOT been shy of giving DD dirty looks or cold shoulders. I do believe she feels threatened, and I can't help but wonder if anyone said anything to her about DD's pitching. A couple of weeks ago, I witnessed it firsthand when we went to DD's pitching lesson (they have the same PC LOL)...I said a friendly hello and smiled at both her dad and her. She kept her eyes down and blatantly ignored me. Wow. Anyhow, we won't know until Saturday evening if she makes Varsity or JV, but either way, she will put in her heart and passion.

I really have no advice for your DD. Rather than try to fit in with the upper classmen, can she hang with the freshmen/sophomores? I know from experience that if they see that it's bothering you, they will keep doing it. What if your dd wore headphones or did homework or something to keep her occupied and help ignore the others too? I just hate for her to not play because of them...sigh. Also, what helped DD in the past was to give up on trying to fit in. The less she tried, the more relaxed she became (and it's finally starting to show this year).

Please update us on what she ends up doing. Good luck!