Dealing with Upperclassmen making it hard on DD

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Sep 24, 2013
696
0
Midwest
This is how girls treat each other-reverse wolf pack mentality.

Anything that puts one player above or below another creates an outcast situation. Its basic female psychology that you can google.

If a coach understands this they can manage it. Most just dont have the education though and as a parent you cant manage it.

I tell my DDs-haters gonna hate. If your gonna buck the pack and do your own thing expect to be a social outcast BUT remember where youare going in life and where they are going. Most people are actually afraid to succed but WE arent.
 
Oct 4, 2011
663
0
Colorado
Girls can be absolutely brutal. Girls will also flock together, either around a single leader, or as a clique. It could be that this year's group of seniors is particularly bad, and after they leave things will get better. It sounds like this year's crop of seniors is just as bad as last year, but maybe there's hope for next year?

My freshman year in college, the seniors on our field hockey team were awful. There was one in particular who made it her life's mission to be mean. I didn't see much playing time as a freshman (maybe not any, now that I think about it) but one of my fellow classmates did. This senior was awful to her. My friend would often be in tears after practice and started to get nervous during games as well. We both stuck with it, though, and the next year was much better (we were two of four total freshman, so it was probably easier for us since we could stick together as a little group). The new crop of seniors was much more welcoming and friendly - it really made all the difference in the world.

I don't know.... I've been involved in sports my entire life - the highest level I achieved was the olympic trials for field hockey. Maybe it's being a parent, maybe it's mellowing with age, but I've started to come around and say hey, you know what? Sports should be FUN. It should be this thing that you do because when you are doing it, your mind goes to another place and you just feel fantastic. You feel like you are flying. If the adversity is so bad that your mind can never achieve that level of peace through sport, then some options need to be considered.

I'm reminded of a friend of my daughter's who made the varsity as a freshman in a different sport. The seniors were pretty mean - including some pretty serious hazing type allegations. This girl talked to her coach privately and asked to be moved down to JV. The coach agreed and although the seniors on varsity still tried to get their shots in every now and again, the girl had a much better experience moving forward on JV. She is now a sophomore back on varsity - the seniors in question are all graduated and gone, and things are better.
 

JJsqueeze

Dad, Husband....legend
Jul 5, 2013
5,436
38
safe in an undisclosed location
The first thing I would do is try to see how deep this goes. Are they harassing her at all aside from the cold shoulder? I hate to use this word, but this is a form of bullying, so make sure you know all the details (is anything going on online? aside from softball are there any other areas of conflict?) etc. Is this happening to the girl that was a sophomore as well? Once you have all the information and you are satisfied that this is just softball and she has a good social network of support at school outside of softball, then you can tell her that two people recommended that she just punch one of these B&$*es in the face.
 

sluggers

Super Moderator
Staff member
May 26, 2008
7,133
113
Dallas, Texas
I had two DDs play sports in college, and yes, I've been through this same scenario probably a dozen times.

DD#1 put up with the same stuff in HS and college softball several times. She was really good and she took playing time away from upper classmen. They didn't like it, and so they retaliated.

DD#3 lettered in four sports in HS and played hoops in college. Same thing. For tennis and basketball, she put up with it because she really loved playing. For softball, she told the coach and the team to shove it. (Funny thing...the softball coach *and* the ringleader (and her parents) on the team got madder at my DD for giving up softball...they realized that the team was much better with my DD than without her...)

Anyway, being on a team means *COMPETING FOR PLAYING TIME*. Playing time is a zero sum game...if your DD plays, that means someone else won't. It doesn't matter how nice or sweet your DD is...your DD's success makes someone else on the team a failure. The kid who loses PT will be upset. Of course, that kid is going to use all means, fair or unfair, to get her PT back. And, since you have a bunch of teenage girls running around, it will get nasty.

The reality is that your DD's options are pretty simple...either (1) she puts up with it and plays or (2) she quits.

After I had been through this five or six times, I came up with a pretty simple speech:

"No matter what you do, if you succeed, you will in this situation over and over again. Some people are going to be jealous. Some people are not going to like you. There is no way that me or any coach will be able to control them. They don't like you and they are going to try to get back at you. So, you have to decide whether you want to put up with their crap or not. It really depends upon how much you like what you are doing. If you really like what you are doing, you are going to have put with it. If you don't like what you are doing, then quit and move on."
 
Last edited:
Oct 27, 2009
83
0
Thanks for all the input folks, a lot of good advise. Couple things I did not mention in the original post is that DD and I want to parlay her softball into a college education and she is already having colleges look into her via her travel ball coach. Travel ball coach has tons of college connections and has placed many many players with college programs. Nearly every kid on his 18U travel team gets placed with a college program if that is their desire to do so. DD has several schools already interested in her even though she is just now heading into her sophomore campaign. My concern is if she were to not play her sophomore year to allow the b*****es to graduate out, how that may affect her in the eyes of the college coaches. She also garnered a great deal of press from her freshman year in several of the local newspapers for her play last year and press has got to in my mind help her in getting recognition. If she doesn't play high school ball how will she be perceived by college coaches. Would that have a negative affect in their eyes. The other thing is we all wind up in life with people that we are going to dislike in the workplace and their actions are going to frustrate us at times, and you can't run from them and/or let them win. At some point we have to stand up for ourselves.
Nanotech, I have thought the same about my DD punch the b***h or two that seem to be behind most of the animosity right in the face to get them to stop. My DD is quite a physical specimen and not someone these girls would want to tangle with. However that would wind up getting her kicked off the team and/or expelled from school, her school has zero tolerance when it comes to that, although it would have to feel so good at the time. Society has taken away all those tools from us that we used as a deterrent from this abhorrent behavior, there is no longer a fear of reprisals for that type of bullying. So that is not the answer. Actually I think I may have just hit the nail on the head, it is just another form of bullying. No wonder there is so much of this going on in society, we have taken away the ability of our young people to defend themselves from this type of behavior because you can no longer knock someone on their a** when they taunt or mistreat you.
 
Oct 27, 2009
83
0
Girls can be absolutely brutal. Girls will also flock together, either around a single leader, or as a clique. It could be that this year's group of seniors is particularly bad, and after they leave things will get better. It sounds like this year's crop of seniors is just as bad as last year, but maybe there's hope for next year?

My freshman year in college, the seniors on our field hockey team were awful. There was one in particular who made it her life's mission to be mean. I didn't see much playing time as a freshman (maybe not any, now that I think about it) but one of my fellow classmates did. This senior was awful to her. My friend would often be in tears after practice and started to get nervous during games as well. We both stuck with it, though, and the next year was much better (we were two of four total freshman, so it was probably easier for us since we could stick together as a little group). The new crop of seniors was much more welcoming and friendly - it really made all the difference in the world.

I don't know.... I've been involved in sports my entire life - the highest level I achieved was the olympic trials for field hockey. Maybe it's being a parent, maybe it's mellowing with age, but I've started to come around and say hey, you know what? Sports should be FUN. It should be this thing that you do because when you are doing it, your mind goes to another place and you just feel fantastic. You feel like you are flying. If the adversity is so bad that your mind can never achieve that level of peace through sport, then some options need to be considered.

I'm reminded of a friend of my daughter's who made the varsity as a freshman in a different sport. The seniors were pretty mean - including some pretty serious hazing type allegations. This girl talked to her coach privately and asked to be moved down to JV. The coach agreed and although the seniors on varsity still tried to get their shots in every now and again, the girl had a much better experience moving forward on JV. She is now a sophomore back on varsity - the seniors in question are all graduated and gone, and things are better.

Indiana, problem is the girls that made it difficult on her last year were juniors and are now seniors, we only graduated out three girls from last years team and one of those girls was a good teammate for sure, the other two I am not sure whether they were positive of negative. The two main culprits are still in the mix. We will graduate out 7 next year, and have a huge drop in talent thereafter. Another problem is some of DD's peers are jealous that she played varsity as a freshman, so not sure how much support they will offer once they finally get to varsity.
 
Apr 25, 2010
772
0
then you can tell her that two people recommended that she just punch one of these B&$*es in the face.

Make that three.

I am not terribly sure how I would advise to handle this. Part of me says to try to ignore them, go out there, and show why you deserve to be there. Another, very large part of me says punch a b!tch in the face, and yet a smaller part says life is too short to deal with a-holes if you dont have to. So I say go with my first thought because punching someone will certainly save you from dealing with them because you will no longer be on the team.

I will say that I do not always buy the "they are just jealous because you are better" line and neither do the girls. People dislike other people for a multitude of reasons. I can say with 100% certainty that of the people I dislike, only 1 has anything to do with jealousy. I do think that jealousy can magnify the reason someone dislikes another. If a girl dislikes another for taking her pitching time, then that is why she dislikes her. And she is also clearly coddled by mommy and daddy and is unfamiliar with working for what she wants rather than it being given to her. But she may have already had a distaste for this girl for some other reason. Not saying it is right, just saying it is. There will always be people in life like this and it stinks.

Like my 14yo dd says "Birches be crazy". And yes, she says birches because we do not allow her to swear.
 

Greenmonsters

Wannabe Duck Boat Owner
Feb 21, 2009
6,168
38
New England
With the exposure she's getting from TB whether she plays HS this year or not will have no bearing on her college prospects. Like Sluggers said, its a crappy situation but it does have a simple solution. If, in her mind, the down side will outweigh her enjoyment, skip the season, but stay in shape by doing track or another sport and practice SB skills independently in prep for summer ball.

As my DD was faced with a difficult situation her first 2 years of HS, I feel for your DD and wish her the best.
 
Oct 4, 2011
663
0
Colorado
Indiana, problem is the girls that made it difficult on her last year were juniors and are now seniors, we only graduated out three girls from last years team and one of those girls was a good teammate for sure, the other two I am not sure whether they were positive of negative. The two main culprits are still in the mix. We will graduate out 7 next year, and have a huge drop in talent thereafter. Another problem is some of DD's peers are jealous that she played varsity as a freshman, so not sure how much support they will offer once they finally get to varsity.

That's a tough one. I completely agree with you regarding societal changes with bullying. Your daughter is probably familiar with the following blogger, who presents a very humorous, yet very true, look at the issue: Hyperbole and a Half: PLEASE STOP!!

I've seen some athletes go through an awful lot for their sport, yet they continue to play. They've found a way to love it, or they have a friend or two that they can band together with against all the other bullcr@p. Does your daugher have an ally on the team this year or is she facing complete ostricism? If she has at least one person that she can count on, maybe it would be worthwhile to stick with it - the season is pretty short, and as long as it isn't affecting her grades, then it could end up as something she looks back on later and is glad that she stuck through. BUT, I would only go this route if she has at least one person that she can count on. If there's nobody at all - then I would seriously consider some alternatives. Would there be fallout from her school friends if she doesn't play - is this isolated to just the softball team or is her friend group closely tied to softball?

The social life of teenage girls can be very complicated an all-consuming (something I'm becoming re-familiarized with these days with my own HS sophomore!). A big part of me wants to tell your daughter to tell her HS team that they all can go to H-E-double hockey sticks and good luck winning without her.
 
Last edited:
Jul 16, 2008
1,520
48
Oregon
With the exposure she's getting from TB whether she plays HS this year or not will have no bearing on her college prospects. Like Sluggers said, its a crappy situation but it does have a simple solution. If, in her mind, the down side will outweigh her enjoyment, skip the season, but stay in shape by doing track or another sport and practice SB skills independently in prep for summer ball.

As my DD was faced with a difficult situation her first 2 years of HS, I feel for your DD and wish her the best.

While I totally agree with you, look at the player profiles on every college team. They always list the High School accomplishments, then a little blurb what Summer Team... I don't understand it because the Summer Team got them the exposure.

As far as the OP. Yes every player experiences it in some way. As a Soph my DD was swinging. The Varsity girls accepted her and were pretty good to her, it was the JV girls that were horrible. My DD would be sent down to pitch a few innings, then go over to the Varsity game (if game times were the same). The JV girls didn't want her because she practiced with Varsity. Yeah, that was a fun year ;)
 

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