Why do parents put up with bad coaching?

This is coming from a coach, directed to parents. Why do parents put up with bad coaching?

I came across this situation this weekend and I wondered why these parents put up with bad coaching. Here is the situation:
At the end of a tournament this weekend I was walking to my car to load up and go home. This other coach (14U level) is having his "pep" talk behind his vehicle which is parked next to mine. It takes me a little while to load all my gear so I get "blessed" to hear his talk. Here is how it went:
"I am disappointed in you girls. I don't think ya'll want to play. You only scored 1 run in the past 2 games. ONE RUN! You left too many runners on base. There is a tournament coming up in 2 weeks and frankly I don't want to spend the $335 to go to it. As a parent, I personally feel that is a lot of money to waste" At this point some other misinformed moron chimes in "I agree!" the coach picks back up "I don't think your parents want to spend that money on you. I know I don't. You girls played poorly out there and I don't think you want to play." He keeps rambling on about how poorly they played and some other stuff so I get in my car shaking my head.

What do you think this coaches problem is? Lack of offense? Lack of defense? Both? Neither? Actually he has 1 flaw for coaching womens softball. He doesn't understand girls. Girls are different from boys in this way. Girls have to feel good to play good. Boys have to play good to feel good. If your coach doesn't understand that basic philosophy, then you have the wrong coach.

Here is probably what the coach thought the girls were hearing from him:
You didn't give me enough effort, I want to see more effort out of you. You will come back next time more motivated and we will blow every team out of the water. Your hitting will magically improve because of my pep talk. You will be error free because of this "motivational" speech I am giving. You will come back next time more motivated to do better.

Here is what the girls really heard:
You suck. I mean you really suck. I don't believe in you. Your parents don't believe in you. You are worthless. You are not worth spending $335 on. See! Other parents/coaches believe you are not worth spending more money on either because one of them just agreed with me. There is no hope for you. Our coaching staff made no errors in strategy, base running, pitch calling, batting line up or fielding positioning. It is all your fault. You can't hit the ball. I don't believe you will ever be able to hit the ball. You can't field well. This tournament confirmed what I already knew about you and that is, YOU SUCK. I am going to start looking for other players to replace you just as fast as I can, because, after all, YOU SUCK.

As I approached my vehicle I kind of already knew this kind of speech was coming as the girls all had their heads down and several AC's faces were red and angry looking. The girls heads all got lower during the speech. Way to motivate young girls coach!

The parents were gathered around and heard the same speech and I wondered why they were putting up with it. Maybe it is the only organization around and they figure that any playing time is better than no playing time. Maybe they figure because they have the word coach on the back of their shirt, they must know what they are doing and this is what great coaches do. This happened to my DD's once and we didn't stay around any longer. It is not worth it to my DD's self-image to let someone tear it down.

So I would like to hear from parents who have coaches like this. Why do you stay?

Not one of them OP... but have seen the opposite... The sweetheart that still loses. Only one team of the 16-24 teams in tourneys wins it all. Then they do it most of the time...They put up with it because the winning coach ain't calling. Its just like school... you always got "that teacher" and this board "that poster".... DD has learned that it has nothing to do with her.... nice or not, they are just wrong...and most of the time... about everything

Out in Left Field said:

There is no difference in how you coach boys and girls.

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I am a firm believer that there is a BIG difference between coaching young boys and young girls. The OP was spot on about girls have to feel good to play good. At least at the younger levels (14U and below). Having played football for 15 years, I will tell you that it is much easier to motivate a male athlete. The high energy, rah rah speech will usually get them going. You try that with a younger female athlete and you usually get crickets and eye rolling. My experience has taught me that with the girls, you really need to work on building confidence and praising the positive. You may occasionally get a little charge out of them if you get fired up, but if that is your go to motivation, going to be a long season. Again, this is just based on my experience. I am sure you can find a coach somewhere that the Bobby Knight style works with female players.

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Out in Left Field said:

.. until they make certification for coaches mandatory starting at the youngest ages and have regular evaluations for coaches, then nothing will change.

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I made this suggestion on another thread and was shot down by those who said it's entirely the parents' responsibility to make sure that their coaches are trained and qualified. My question is what good certification exists? As I have stated previously, I wish that the ASA would make it a higher priority to train youth coaches.

cmustangsfp said:

Here is what the girls really heard:
You suck. I mean you really suck. I don't believe in you. Your parents don't believe in you. You are worthless. You are not worth spending $335 on.

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I think what they hear in these speeches is that you, the kid, are playing for us, the coaches and parents. Your purpose is to please us and make us proud.

I remember hearing a speech very similar to this one, only worse, about a year ago. I call them the circle of shame. This one was given by a mom who wasn't even a coach. She paced the entire game outside the dugout smoking a cigarette. After the game, she interrupted the coaches' and went off on them about how much money was being spent this weekend on gas and hotel and meals and this wasn't what they were paying for. The coach gave her the podium. I had seen this team play and have some success in a lower-level tournament, but they were playing much harder teams on this particular weekend, and their parents were oblivious to that fact. The team they'd just played and been hammered was one of the top 10-12 teams in the state. The team proceeded to go 0-4 that weekend. I guess the speech didn't work.

To answer your original question - Why do parents put up with it? Usually because they don't know what a good coach is, or because the coaches' misguided vision on how to treat kids matches their own.

Pat Summitt Is a very winning coach, who is known for dressing her players down, when they need it. Not everyone can take it, but the ones that do succeed on the basketball court. The players love her and she loves them. It is give and take. Most volunteer coaches don't have that, nor the knowledge of what it takes to build young ladies up. Read Pat's autobiography. It is great.

Amy in AZ. said:

Pat Summitt Is a very winning coach, who is known for dressing her players down, when they need it. Not everyone can take it, but the ones that do succeed on the basketball court. The players love her and she loves them. It is give and take. Most volunteer coaches don't have that, nor the knowledge of what it takes to build young ladies up. Read Pat's autobiography. It is great.

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Yes, although we have to remember that Pat Summitt is coaching young adults who are all among the top 50 players their age in the country. Their job is to win national championships. That's why they were recruited, and that's why they chose to go to Tennessee. They are asking to be dressed down when they need it. The goals that these players have, and their relationship with their coach, and their maturity level, are different than the average 12U travel softball team, to say the least. A coach's job is to serve her players. The needs of the Tennessee Lady Vols aren't the same as the Lady Hawks 12U fastpitch team.

It would be a great question to ask Pat - How would she coach a middling youth AAU team. Not talking about one that can win national titles, but the other 90 percent of youth teams out there.

I should take your advice and read the book.

My dd played for a guy who was an ex minor leaguer, coached the local community college baseball team for a while, and has been the assistant on the HS Varsity team. Same school he played for back in the day. He was great in practices, he teaches the game great. I have learned more from just watching his practices then I have learned the rest of my life everywhere else combined. But at games, he didn't know how to handle the girls. He was terrible in the post game meeting... I can't tell you the number of times I had a one on one talk with him about how he was failing with the girls. He knew he was bad at that part of the job, but it didn't make him a bad coach. In fact the girls love him, because they could see how much he cared for them they were willing to allow him this one crappy character flaw. Second year he coached he got better and the third year he was better still.

Not every coach who sucks at the team meeting is a bad coach. They are just suck at the team meeting, sometimes there is a redeeming quality that makes up for it.

chinamigarden said:

My dd played for a guy who was an ex minor leaguer, coached the local community college baseball team for a while, and has been the assistant on the HS Varsity team. Same school he played for back in the day. He was great in practices, he teaches the game great. I have learned more from just watching his practices then I have learned the rest of my life everywhere else combined. But at games, he didn't know how to handle the girls. He was terrible in the post game meeting... I can't tell you the number of times I had a one on one talk with him about how he was failing with the girls. He knew he was bad at that part of the job, but it didn't make him a bad coach. In fact the girls love him, because they could see how much he cared for them they were willing to allow him this one crappy character flaw. Second year he coached he got better and the third year he was better still.

Not every coach who sucks at the team meeting is a bad coach. They are just suck at the team meeting, sometimes there is a redeeming quality that makes up for it.

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As a head coach, if you know that is a flaw the way to make it look better is to ask your assistants for their thoughts maybe one of them is better at delivering messages and getting something across.

I think I do a good job at the post game meeting, but I will still ask the assistants what they saw today so they girls build trust in them as well.

I never spent much time, if any, post game. Anyone else, just let them leave, unless something major happened in the game?