Confidence problems

My daughter is 11 yo (12 in January), and she really enjoys softball. However, she is a very timid child. It has gotten to the point where she is afraid to make mistakes so much that she plays very hesitantly and not aggressively. Last night, I asked her why she didn't swing at a pitch right down the middle, and she said that she was afraid if she missed, she would get in trouble. I took her to her coach and told him that she was afraid of getting in trouble, and he told her in a very comforting manner that he would never yell at her for trying. She just broke down crying.

She had a coach a couple of years ago who yelled at her for running home when he told her "no" and she thought he said "go". I guess this is where the fear comes from, but that's not the whole explanation. She is timid in all settings. She was afraid to ask her bus driver to drop her off at school for example.

She is fast as can be, and I think she could be an excellent player if she could just get that confidence, but I have no idea how to help her get there. I have thought about having her play slow pitch for a season to help get some confidence. I have thought about telling her that she can't play for a season to give her a break. At this point, I don't know which way to go.

Have any of you had similar problems with your kids and how did they overcome them?

Look objectively at what happened. She did something you didn't like, and you indicated your disapproval for what she did. Then, you took her to the coach. This looks a little bit like you didn't like what she did, so you punished her.

Honestly, though, it sounds like she doesn't want to play. Softball isn't for everyone--and, it really shouldn't be. If she is fast, you should let her find what she wants to do with her talent. If she is real fast, I would be doing track and field with her. They have a travel circuit for high achievers in track just like baseball, softball, basketball, volleyball, hockey...

I coached a girl who was very, very fast. She had a lot of talent for softball. But, she didn't love the game, so she was good, but not great. (Her dad made her play.) Talent without love equals little success. She finally softball, and took up track--where she was on a relay team. Her picture is now on a wall in her HS, where it will be forever.

If it were my kid and she took a down-the-middle pitch, I would have taken her out in the backyard and thrown a 100 pitches to her every day until the next game. There would have been no trip to the coach.

I don't think taking her to the coach is a bad move. You wanted to let her know he wouldn't get mad at her for striking out. Just because she's timid doesn't mean she can't become a ballplayer. Confidence comes from accomplishment that turns into pride, that may turn her into a confident player someday. Good Luck.

Hi,

I think you did the right thing in talking with your daughters coach. Young athlete's can have problems with confidence and it's important for their coaches to know about them. They can put them in situations in practice and in games where they can succeed and gain self-confidence. If an athlete doesn't believe in themselves no one else will either and their performance will suffer. He or she who hesitates is lost.

I'd suggest that you visit WinningSTATE-Confidence Books where you'll find sport specific confidence books. I started both my daughter and son with them before they were 10 years old and it has made a tremendous differences in their confidence in sports and in school.

Not to brag but as a Freshman in High School this year my daughter made the Varsity team which she lead in Batting Average, On Base Percentage and OPS. She also got to make 4 appearances as a Pitcher. Her 1st inning of her 1st game she said she had some butterflies but she was able to overcome them and settle down for her 1st Varsity win. After that she realized she could play at that level and compete even though she is only 14 years old. Her coach recognized her abilities over the course of the season and started her in the most important game of the year over several older pitchers.

Best Regards,

Pops

Istroie1971: Your Daughter is 11 years old! Its COMPLETELY understandable about her being afraid of making a mistake at HER age! Her COACH said the right thing. She needs to ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE TRYING and MAKING a MISTAKE and NOT getting Yelled at! Once she realizes MOST GOOD coaches don't yell and degrade mistakes, she will relax more, but for NOW - COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE about her nervousness! We have 16U and Varsity girls that are JUST LEARNING that they should NOT be afraid of making mistakes because they'll get yelled at. IT WILL take a little time - be patient.

*** I've coached Baseball and Softball going on 19 years now, football - 10 Years.
I have ALWAYS suggested play aggressively and IF we make a mistake, make it going 100MPH. TELL her SHE WILL make mistakes throughout the year, EVERY PLAYER DOES in EVERY SPORT. Key is learning and getting better and making less and less mistakes. Teams at high levels win USUALLY by making FEWER mistakes then the losing team.

ALSO tell her, as she gets older and plays for OTHER coaches, she WILL run into coaches that lose control and scream/degrade and yell. Learn HOW to hear them to learn from their mistake, BUT she will HAVE to learn NOT to take it personal.
One of the BEST things I learned was HOW to talk to the girls when they make a mistake (Quietly, off to the side and generally with something POSTIVE 1st. ie; Your approach to the ball was good and then you need to remember you need to........ if its a LACK of EFFORT, Ive been more stern, BUT still without attacking her.)