Need Some Help

Hi everyone, I just want to ask for some advice. My husband was killed 3 weeks ago by a drunk driver on his way to work at 7 in the morning. This is the hardest thing that I hae ever had to deal with in my life. I don't understand how this could happen, nevermind explain it too my children. Both my daughters play softball, my oldest plays college softball and she has just thrown herself back into her routine and she is doing well...my youngest is another story...she is a pitcher and used to go to lessons but we had to stop them for financial reasons after this horrible tragedy..I went from 2 incomes to 1 income. My husband was her catcher for her lessons so she didn't want to go anyway and I won't force her to do it...she is very talented and I told her that her sister and I would help her and that her father was so proud of her in everything she did. But she says she doesn't want to do it...I am hoping over time (cause it has only been 3 weeks)that she will change her mind...do any of you have any ideas how to gradually get her back in cause next week she is supposed to start conditioning...the coach is being understanding but also I fear that my dd will regret not goingand by then it would be too late...so I welcome any advice...this is a hard thing and my brain doesn't always make the right decisions cause I feel like I am living a nightmare!! Just trying to do the right things for my girls!!

I am really sorry for your loss. In my opinion softball should be low priority right now. I would get your DD some counseling. Then maybe She can deal with her loss and then somewhat move on back to softball.

She is getting counseling and I wasn't even bringing up softball....but it was the counselor that said she needs to try and get back into anormal routine...I just wanted some other opinions from some neutral people...the counselor said that the regret later on could be worse...I am just trying to do the right thing...whatever she decides I will support her 100%...thanks for the thoughts!!!

I am really sorry to hear what you must go thru. I watched my brothers family go thru similar last yr. My teenage neices lost their mom suddenly to an aneurism. I can say this, I was amazed at how well my neices held up and were able to cope. They were stronger than I, or most adults, gave them credit for.

I think a key is knowing and understanding that their parent loved them, and would not have wanted them to slow down or feel sorry for themselves, but to l work even harder to be all they can be. Life passes in different stages, they just entered a new one, it can make them stronger individuals if they approach it that way.

Best of luck.

First, I'll remember you and your family in our prayers. I can't imagine what you are going through. The best thing I can do is try to offer you some help with your question.

Two of my three DDs pitched. I know personally that if something like that happened to me, I would want my DDs to continue. Daddies do this for a lot of reasons--but mostly it is because we believe that something very important is taught by athletics. It is something that transcends sports, and perhaps can't be fully explained.

As to your questions, if your DD is a pitcher, you have to understand what that means. A pitcher is someone who seeks to be in the middle of the field. She is someone who wants to be a situation where everything depends upon her. When she is pitching, she is the heart and soul of the team. She is probably quite a bit tougher than you realize.

A lot of pitching is simply putting one foot in front of the other. It is mundane, repetitious work. And, that is what she needs to do now. She needs to put one foot in front of the other. It is simply, "I'm going to work out today. I'm not worrying about tomorrow. I'm not worrying about yesterday. Today, I am doing this."

Get someone on the team to be her buddy. Better yet, get a bunch of them to help. This is, after all, a team. Setup a routine for her, get her to commit that she will do it, and then you make her stick by it. I'm sure this won't be easy for her or you, and there will probably be buckets and buckets of tears shed.

I understand the financial burden of pitching lessons. But, she is going to have to have them. She can't progress without them. Talk to the pitching coach and explain the situation. Perhaps there is something that can be done.

My father died suddenly when I was 16. I can remember wondering what would happen to me if my mother died also. You need to talk to her about that.

Everyone is different, but I played ball the night of my father's funeral. That was my safety net. I could go to the field and forget, for a little bit.

You don't say how old she is, but I also know that her friends aren't going to know what to say to her and they may avoid her because they are afraid that they will say the wrong thing.

Conditioning would be SO good for her, if she would go. It would help clear her head and maybe exhaust her, a little bit.

I got social security until I was 18. Will she? Will you eventually get a settlement from the insurance company of the other driver?

I am thinking that I would go into debt to fund the pitching lessons and take her team catcher, with you. I mean if you are getting a settlement. She is having a lot of changes in her life, at an age that is difficult enough.

Is there a grandfather that can get involved with her?

I will write more, tomorrow.

I don't think I can give nearly the answers given so far. I would second all of them. On the softball, she has to think about what she wants and what her father would have wanted and make her own decision. A friend on a plane trip offered me a book Thursday to pass the time. Maybe there was a reason for something that seemed random at the time. Best answers I ever read or heard for why tragedy happens to good people. Book is "The Shack". My prayers will also be with you. As a father and husband myself, I know I'd be pleased to know my children would go on and my wife would be there for them. Once a man is a father, his children are his purpose and no doubt he would feel a peace knowing you are there for them.

Lori - VERY sorry for your loss and to hear you and your girls are having to cope with your tragedy. Advice all the coaches have given seems sound to me.... I can only offer you and your family prayers and to let you and the girls know their Softball friends and family cares for you all and understands how hard this time is for all of you.

( from my experiences with a couple players who've lost their father at young ages...... the girls are strong. I would STRONGLY suggest they be involved with people who are POSITIVE INFLUENCES, be sure to keep the younger one involved to stay out of trouble and personally, I feel getting them involved in a spiritual group of some type is important.
Balance of school/family and spiritual/faith will help the girls cope. (Younglife close to you?)
*** And yes, the girls continued to play and their teammates and coaches all care for them.

Lori, your family will be in my prayers.

You might see if you can get the catchers on her team to help out with practice, and lessons. That bucket may not seem much, but I will bet to her it was the world. I'd probably be real slow to put someone on the bucket. I'd probably start it off easy, and keep her busy.

This may seem like a crazy idea, but you may consider having her pitch to a wall or target by herself during this time period. If you devote an hour a day to pitching to a wall or target, your mind has a lot of time to wander and to think and work through things. She may need some time to work through the issues, but pitching alone may be a great way for her to remember her father, remember all the things he taught her. Much like Sluggers said... Pitching is about being in the middle of the field and the game many times depends on your performance. Pitching by yourself to a target is sometimes very similar mentally to what it feels like when you are in the circle pitching a game. She will have to use her mind, but she may not need a replacement catcher.

P.S. The target or something could be something you put in your backyard and you may take the time to just sit and watch her or at the very least someone in the house is watching.

Bill