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I'm usually quicker to find excuses and look the other way for my other players. I coach my own daughter and cut her no slack. I know how hard she works and what she is capable of. I expect nothing less from her. Im a firm believer in finding like minded parents. They are just as much of a consideration when evaluating a potential pick up. My first team meeting is always what our goals are for the season, what I expect from the team and parents, and how we plan to meet our goals. No grey area. No room for debate.

Anon Person said:

I laugh to myself when I read a post on a parents board with tone such as this. Having been in organized softball as a parent for a dozen year, I have never seen a coaches player not get the spot over an equal non-coaches player.

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This ABSOLUTELY should happen and is not daddy ball. If I am the coach and it is pretty much equal and it is the choice between my DD and someone else's then 100% my DD gets the spot. I am not getting paid to coach, and while I love the time on the field and the coaching aspect, all the off-field stuff is time consuming and sometimes not fun at all (and also sometimes expensive). My DD is with me and early for every practice and game and last one to leave with me when it is over. It is one of the very, very few perks you get as coach - an opportunity for your DD. I stepped up and put my hand up to be a coach - there is not often a huge line of people behind me who wanted to do the same.

I made the mistake when I first started coaching my DD of wanting to appear 'fair' and all it meant was that my DD missed out on opportunities she rightly deserved. And I was harder on her than every other player - and she didn't deserve that either.

If someone wants to complain about this, well - the volunteer form and background check form is right over there and they can sign up themselves.

If it is NOT near equal and someone's DD is getting a spot over someone who is clearly better than her then that is another story and that is where the whole daddy ball BS comes in.

marriard said:

This ABSOLUTELY should happen and is not daddy ball. If I am the coach and it is pretty much equal and it is the choice between my DD and someone else's then 100% my DD gets the spot. I am not getting paid to coach, and while I love the time on the field and the coaching aspect, all the off-field stuff is time consuming and sometimes not fun at all (and also sometimes expensive). My DD is with me and early for every practice and game and last one to leave with me when it is over. It is one of the very, very few perks you get as coach - an opportunity for your DD. I stepped up and put my hand up to be a coach - there is not often a huge line of people behind me who wanted to do the same.

I made the mistake when I first started coaching my DD of wanting to appear 'fair' and all it meant was that my DD missed out on opportunities she rightly deserved. And I was harder on her than every other player - and she didn't deserve that either.

If someone wants to complain about this, well - the volunteer form and background check form is right over there and they can sign up themselves.

If it is NOT near equal and someone's DD is getting a spot over someone who is clearly better than her then that is another story and that is where the whole daddy ball BS comes in.

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IMO, that is daddy ball. If 2 players want the same spot and are of equal talent then they share time until one of them improves over the other. I really like the "pretty much" phrasing. The way it reads to me is that if the other girl is a little better the coach's daughter gets the nod. You are right you aren't getting paid but you are volunteering to be fair and equal to all the players. A little better is still better and the better player should play. Pretty soon "pretty much" gets blurred and then what is obvious to a few becomes blatant to everyone.

marriard said:

This ABSOLUTELY should happen and is not daddy ball. If I am the coach and it is pretty much equal and it is the choice between my DD and someone else's then 100% my DD gets the spot. I am not getting paid to coach, and while I love the time on the field and the coaching aspect, all the off-field stuff is time consuming and sometimes not fun at all (and also sometimes expensive). My DD is with me and early for every practice and game and last one to leave with me when it is over. It is one of the very, very few perks you get as coach - an opportunity for your DD. I stepped up and put my hand up to be a coach - there is not often a huge line of people behind me who wanted to do the same.

I made the mistake when I first started coaching my DD of wanting to appear 'fair' and all it meant was that my DD missed out on opportunities she rightly deserved. And I was harder on her than every other player - and she didn't deserve that either.

If someone wants to complain about this, well - the volunteer form and background check form is right over there and they can sign up themselves.

If it is NOT near equal and someone's DD is getting a spot over someone who is clearly better than her then that is another story and that is where the whole daddy ball BS comes in.

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Not saying it was the case in your situation, but the rationalization is the same for those that you would accuse of being hardcore daddyballers. Personally, my bottom line is that a coach's first obligation is to the team, and DD unfortunately comes second. This, and the opportunity to focus all my efforts helping DD to try to get better to achieve her college aspiration, led to my decision to leave the dugout after the first year of 16U.

marriard said:

This ABSOLUTELY should happen and is not daddy ball. If I am the coach and it is pretty much equal and it is the choice between my DD and someone else's then 100% my DD gets the spot. I am not getting paid to coach, and while I love the time on the field and the coaching aspect, all the off-field stuff is time consuming and sometimes not fun at all (and also sometimes expensive). My DD is with me and early for every practice and game and last one to leave with me when it is over. It is one of the very, very few perks you get as coach - an opportunity for your DD. I stepped up and put my hand up to be a coach - there is not often a huge line of people behind me who wanted to do the same.

I made the mistake when I first started coaching my DD of wanting to appear 'fair' and all it meant was that my DD missed out on opportunities she rightly deserved. And I was harder on her than every other player - and she didn't deserve that either.

If someone wants to complain about this, well - the volunteer form and background check form is right over there and they can sign up themselves.

If it is NOT near equal and someone's DD is getting a spot over someone who is clearly better than her then that is another story and that is where the whole daddy ball BS comes in.

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This is the justification all daddy ballers give. The differences between players can be pretty slim and it is easy to say "My DD is at or close to the other one so I'll give her the nod", but it is a game of inches and fractions of a second so you can be "close" and still be much more ineffective. At the same time, being overly harsh of your own kids when you coach and not giving them opportunities is not fair either (I have been guilty of this). It really needs to be a balance and you need to look at every position and make your best decision with how it affects your DD off the table as much as you can. If you have the approach that the team owes you or your kid something for your time then you shouldn't coach.

marriard said:

This ABSOLUTELY should happen and is not daddy ball. If I am the coach and it is pretty much equal and it is the choice between my DD and someone else's then 100% my DD gets the spot. I am not getting paid to coach, and while I love the time on the field and the coaching aspect, all the off-field stuff is time consuming and sometimes not fun at all (and also sometimes expensive). My DD is with me and early for every practice and game and last one to leave with me when it is over. It is one of the very, very few perks you get as coach - an opportunity for your DD. I stepped up and put my hand up to be a coach - there is not often a huge line of people behind me who wanted to do the same.

I made the mistake when I first started coaching my DD of wanting to appear 'fair' and all it meant was that my DD missed out on opportunities she rightly deserved. And I was harder on her than every other player - and she didn't deserve that either.

If someone wants to complain about this, well - the volunteer form and background check form is right over there and they can sign up themselves.

If it is NOT near equal and someone's DD is getting a spot over someone who is clearly better than her then that is another story and that is where the whole daddy ball BS comes in.

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The thing about this is, it's never a level playing field, One kid knows coach daddy has her back, the other girl is on an island.

JJsqueeze said:

This is the justification all daddy ballers give. The differences between players can be pretty slim and it is easy to say "My DD is at or close to the other one so I'll give her the nod", but it is a game of inches and fractions of a second so you can be "close" and still be much more ineffective. At the same time, being overly harsh of your own kids when you coach and not giving them opportunities is not fair either (I have been guilty of this). It really needs to be a balance and you need to look at every position and make your best decision with how it affects your DD off the table as much as you can. If you have the approach that the team owes you or your kid something for your time then you shouldn't coach.

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And (and not saying anyone commenting on my post is like this) from the other view point - this is the justification that many people who sit on the sidelines and never get directly involved also give. For many it seems to be OK to be 100% behind 'their' DD when on the sideline and moan and complain to the coach, other parents or anyone else who will listen when their little buttercup isn't get preferential treatment - but the moment someone takes a coaching role they are supposedly meant to sacrifice their kid to make someone not willing to step up happy.

Without people willing to step into the 'Risk of Daddyball' coaching role and volunteer their time, there is no 8U, 10U, 12U or most of 14U. There certainly is no rec programs. I can only think of a couple of teams in these age groups locally that don't have this situation - and for the most part those are not the best situations with 'private' pay-to-play teams where you 'earn' your spot by how much private instruction you get from the head coach and some teams where the daddy-ball is just hidden (paid head coaches but they take their direction from a core parent group which have been together for a few years). There is one good situation I am aware of - a team that is coached by a couple of people who now have daughters are now in college and they missed it - I suspect that some day that is probably going to be me - but there is just not enough of this type of coach around to make that realistic.

I do agree that it is somewhat of a balance and I have been lucky that my DD has been able to perform at a high level for both teams I have coached and teams I have not coached. Do I have 'rose-colored' glasses for my DD? Well I hope not but I am now OK if I do to a certain point - but then I and the rest of our coaching staff put a huge amount of time into all the players (for example my DD caught throw downs, snap throws and sat around for an hour as I worked with our catchers after our regular practice today and all members of our coaching staff does this sort of thing regularly - actually another one of our coaches were working with 2 non-DD players on base running when I was working with catchers).

Every team that has true daddy-ball (as I define it anyway) where the coaches DD's are playing beyond what other players on the team bring to the table or are centering the team and team activities around their DD either falls apart or churns players really regularly - and I have yet to have that issue so I assume I am doing something reasonably right. No one has ever accused me of daddy ball. Well at least not to my face - I don't know what they are saying in the stands for the most part.

marriard said:

... but the moment someone takes a coaching role they are supposedly meant to sacrifice their kid to make someone not willing to step up happy.

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You don't have to sacrifice anything to be fair. Fair means you don't penalize or favor your daughter. You present it as though if you don't favor your daughter, you are sacrificing something. Just attempt to be fair, IMO.

Also, I don't doubt that you've done a good job w/ your teams. I've read enough of your posts to trust that. So it's not you as a coach that is being debated. It's one single philosophy that you have -- ''tie goes to my daughter'' -- that people might have a problem with.

Curious about this - Is your team aware of your philosophy on this? When the new season starts, would you be willing to cut and paste what you said so that all players and parents knew how playing positions and batting order might be decided?

If it is a tie and your dd is not involved, what do you do?

Though I am usually critical of daddy-ball, the game of softball is many times about forming alliances with coaches.

I have never coached, but somehow, someway, have been able to get a core group of coaches who favor my DD. It is the behavior of my DD who rarely complains and is a team player. Or my behavior who tries his best to always speak kindly of others. Now in older age limits, I will be the first to admit my DD gets favorable treatment.

So don't always throw the baby out with the bath water. Favoritism exists in softball. Learn as a parent how to gain it, and don't be ashamed. It is folks like myself who understand. Coaches just have it thrown in their face all the time. Parents and DD like us who continuously work the background to get a competitive advantage (favoritism) is everywhere, and somewhat of an art form.

The differences between a LF/CF, a 2B/SS, or 1B/3B, is such a fine line on a good team. It is impossible to be 100% correct, or always fair. It is many times a matter of opinion, and subject to have valid disagreement. The same with batting order.

As a parent it is important to find a way to get favorable treatment. Kind of sad, but reality.

Having been on the outside looking in, and the inside looking out, I can report that being on the inside is definitely much, much better. Now having developed alliances, we only play for teams where we get a "fair" shake.

Coaches, without realizing it, can and do put their DD at a disadvantage after their coaching days are over. They have the most difficulty because they have been running this "game", to find it quite difficult to play this "game" well when not pulling the strings anymore.