advice regarding a tricky parent situation

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Mar 29, 2015
61
18
I coach a 12U house team -- not rec but not not select.

We played in a tournament of our league teams this weekend and had an unfortunate situation with the boyfriend of my catcher's mom. He doesn't come to many games, but when he does he can be vocal. I had a complaint from another team about him last year but hadn't seen much of him this season.

We had a questionable call in a close game. Umpire ruled that a hard hit ball that appears to hit a runner and change direction had actually hit our fielder. I talked with the ump about it and accepted that he was much closer and that the decision was made. The boyfriend, however, became outraged and verbally abusive toward the Field Ump. Not sure what the trigger was -- it didn't even involve "his" kid. One of my AC's tried to calm him down and he turned on the AC -- telling him he wouldn't be disrespected and challenging him to a fight. He continued to chirp through the rest of the game, which we ended up losing.

As I'm doing my postgame conference with the umps, the fire was reignited. He became loudly and aggressively belligerent with my coaches and the umpires and was yelling "FU" and "SMD" in front of the players and families. I asked that the umpire eject him, which he did. The other team complained to the league (which I totally understand). The UIC had to come over and enforce the ejection.

My dilemma is how to handle moving forward. I am hearing that he is at least verbally and emotionally abusive toward the mom. I don't know if the kid (who is a real gem) is affected. I also don't know if there is any physical abuse.

I do know I don't want him at any more games. My coaches acted appropriately and I'm not afraid to stand behind my own decision, but I don't want to put the mom in a situation where she has to deliver the news or is the only one there when the news is delivered. I don't know how to get to him privately -- I only know his first name.

Any advice on how to deliver the news and manage the relationship with the family and team would be appreciated.
 
Sep 6, 2015
68
0
IMHO you need to be the person to talk to him. As you stated you don't want your player's mother to have to face his wrath when she passes along the decision. Call him and state that based on his conduct at the last game he can no longer attend your teams' games for the remainder of this season. I'm sure there are very specific league rules that you can quote to use as the reason. Keep the call specific and concise and have thick skin.

After you talk to him, call the mother and let her know of the action so she is prepared for his possible reaction.
Good luck, these are the times it's not fun being a coach.
 
Apr 5, 2013
2,130
83
Back on the dirt...
I agree with Clint. I am also fairly certain that that disrespect to her and her mother bothers her. She may hide it well but it is effecting her.


Best of luck to you and the kid. Hopefully softball can save her self respect.
 
Jul 24, 2013
91
6
You are going above and beyond to step in between the primary contact, mom, and this guy... Probably the gentlemanly thing to do. He will likely brush her off anyway. Make sure it is legit, voted on, and on paper from the league.
 
Oct 22, 2009
1,532
0
PA
Ask the league to ban him from any more contact with the league. He shows up at the field, call the police and have him escorted away.
 
Feb 4, 2015
641
28
Massachusetts
Having the league rules or league board decision should help make it less personal when you deliver the news. He behaved in a way that has consequences, end of story. And technically, he's not family so he has no rights in regard to the league.

Best of luck. I feel for the daughter, and sorry that the mom has seemingly made a poor decision by having the brute in her and her daughters life. At least she can look to you and the coaches as good male role models and hopefully you can have at least a small influence on her so that the cycle doesn't continue.
 
Jul 19, 2014
2,390
48
Madison, WI
One thing everyone seems to have missed --
OP says he doesn't know if this guy is physically abusive towards the kid.

Sad to say, but CPS can do nothing if he is verbally abusive towards her. Many years ago my roommates and I had a noisy neighbor who regularly referred to her DD, loud enough that the neighbors could hear, as "a f***ing moron who never should've been born". CPS said that they couldn't intervene.

If there were evidence that he is physically abusive, the OP would have a moral, and possibly a legal, duty to call the authorities. Without evidence, a call would be worthless.

The question is, how does the OP find out?

Should the OP have a talk with the girl? Should the OP's DD talk with the girl? Should the OP call the school counselor at the girl's school to get a trained professional involved?

I agree with the posts about how to handle the ban. That is, alas, the lesser of the problems.
 
Mar 29, 2015
61
18
I asked the league to ban him. They said that I could tell him that he was banned and they would verbally back it up but that they wouldn't take any action to support the ban.

BobinMadison is right -- the problem lies in discerning just what is happening in the home. I just don't know enough about what's going on.

I need to stand up for my players and coaches and maintain the values of our organization, but the last thing I want is to throw so much gasoline on the fire that the family gets burned in the process.
 
Last edited:
Sep 29, 2014
2,421
113
Well even if it is not on paper (kinda wimpy response by the league) I would still just get his contact info from the mom and call him and say in accordance with league rules his actions from the last game mean that he is no longer allowed at practices or games...problem is without formal league backing there is nothing you can do if he shows up and just sits there quietly.

We have had to do this a couple times in our old league, once for a custody situation and another time for a guy just like this.
 

marriard

Not lost - just no idea where I am
Oct 2, 2011
4,312
113
Florida
I asked the league to ban him. They said that I could tell him that he was banned and they would verbally back it up but that they wouldn't take any action to support the ban.

BobinMadison is right -- the problem lies in discerning just what is happening in the home. I just don't know enough about what's going on.

I need to stand up for my players and coaches and maintain the values of our organization, but the last thing I want is to throw so much gasoline on the fire that the family gets burned in the process.

I would still write it up so it is on paper. It needs to say he is banned from attending games for his behavior and that the game will be stopped if he is in attendance and that the police will be called if he remains."

You can ask the mother how to contact him as it is your responsibility to inform him of the ban. You don't need to have a conversation with him. Just tell him, hang up and mail the letter.

And also this is not a bluff. As your league is being weak on this, it will have to be you who pulls your team off the field and you who will have to tell the umpire that the league ok'd banning this person from attending games.

Tough situation. Good luck.
 

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