Difficult Parents - how to handle?

BuckeyeGuy · Jul 13, 2015

sydneyellenwade said:
This is what I drafted to send them. Any thoughts? This has been extremely helpful guys...

edited for brevity

...I am very sorry to say this because Player is a very sweet girl who we enjoy coaching, but we will not be asking her back for the 2015-16 season. Dealing with your constant complaints, accusations of unfairness, and brazen confrontational behavior in front of other parents/kids is something we just do not want to take with us up to 12U. Player is of course is welcome to finish the season out with us, but we wanted to give you enough notice to start looking for another option for her for next season.

Too verbose. If you're going to do it in an email (and I wouldn't), keep it short and blunt, no wiggle room for arguing:

"Dear Parent, this email/letter/whatever is to inform you that we will not be asking Player back for the 2015-16 season. Your behavior in front of other parents and players exhibits poor sportsmanship, and is not something we want to take with us to the next level. We wanted to give you enough notice to start looking for another option for her for next season."

If I was doing it, it would be in person and I'd cut ties immediately.

marriard · Jul 13, 2015

sydneyellenwade said:
This is what I drafted to send them. Any thoughts? This has been extremely helpful guys!
.

Whatever you decide to do, don't do it via email. Do it in person and do it privately.

Sweet Lou · Jul 13, 2015

sydneyellenwade said:
This is what I drafted to send them. Any thoughts? This has been extremely helpful guys!

Now that I've had some time to cool down, I wanted to respond to you regarding what was said after the game.

First of all, conversations of this nature with coaches (of any sport) need to be player initiated and take place privately on a non-game day. You are doing your own child a disservice by confronting Bill and I in front of other parents and players. It undermines our role as coaches, and is quite disrespectful. It does more damage to the team to have parents making a scene, then it does good for your child.

Secondly, I have been hearing complaints for some time from other parents who are offended by what you say in the stands about other girls on the team. I absolutely will not name names, but can tell you that I have been approached privately by five different sets of parents who are concerned and frankly, pretty pissed off about what they are hearing coming out of your mouths during games. These are 10-11 year old girls - and are by nature unpredictable. Comparing them out loud or commenting on their play in a negative way is hurtful to parents and to the kids themselves, who most of the time can hear what is being said on the field.

I spent most of my afternoon on Friday trying to address your concerns over email. I thought we had come to some sort of resolution whereby you understood that there is no favoritism, and that we as coaches are always evaluating girls based on their abilities and their work in practice, and that we put them in positions that we feel are the best for the team versus the given opponent. I asked you to trust us and the process. Clearly I was wrong in assuming that you had agreed to do that.

I am very sorry to say this because Player is a very sweet girl who we enjoy coaching, but we will not be asking her back for the 2015-16 season. Dealing with your constant complaints, accusations of unfairness, and brazen confrontational behavior in front of other parents/kids is something we just do not want to take with us up to 12U. Player is of course is welcome to finish the season out with us, but we wanted to give you enough notice to start looking for another option for her for next season.

Overall it is good...to post it here.

I'm sure all of it is 100% true but I doubt anything good would come of sending to the parents and will likely create additional drama and division on your team, especially the part about other parent complaints.

I do like the idea of banishing them to the outfield, and if they can't comply with that, just cut ties now.

Cannonball · Jul 13, 2015

First, you can't tell parents were to sit at a game. That isn't the problem and those same parents will walk up to the dugout area after the game where THEY WILL VENT. Per an email, you never want to send anything in an email that puts you in a position that you might have to defend your actions. For example, stating that 5 families have ... will only cause this parent to seek out those parents in the stands.

Dear XXXX,

After our various conversations this past weekend, it is clear that you are not happy with what I believed to be a resolution to our differences in opinion. The confrontation this weekend after the game was absolutely unacceptable. We have heard other concerns as well throughout the year by those associated with the program. While we have enjoyed coaching your daughter on the field, the coaching staff has determined that we will not ask XXXXX to me a member of our team this next season. We are giving you this notice because we sincerely hope that it gives you enough time to seek out another team for her to play on this coming season.

We will understand if you decide to end her association with this team after receiving this letter but would hope that she is allowed to finish this year. Should you decide to allow her to finish the year, any further confrontations like this past weekend and she will be off this team. In either case, we want to wish you good luck on finding a place for her to play.

Sincerely,

Even this might be too wordy. Short and sweet. Be prepared for more confrontations. If you give in to the heat that is sure to come after she receives this letter, you will have a miserable year next year. JMHO!

Edited to add:

I was never one to write letters/emails/... If this was my team, I would as for a meeting and lay it out. They have crossed the line. I have done this a couple of times and it never gets easy. Either way, you have to deal with the problem.

Rocketech1 · Jul 13, 2015

Sounds like you brought in a new girl that is much better than this player and the parents are wondering why their DD is getting less playing time. I can see their frustration but agree that they are handling it all wrong.

I would not send an email (you have done that in the past and it hasn't helped). Talk to them in person or on the phone and let then know that their "altercation" was out of line. However, I would be prepared to tell them exactly what their DD needs to work on to get better, more playing time etc. and be truthful and honest with them. Remember, they are paying the travel ball fees just like the starters and you owe then that.

Regarding next year. Absolutely have tryouts and if you don't want this player on your team, it's your prerogative to cut her if you wish. In fact, every team, every year should hold tryouts so players don't have a sense of entitlement each year.

Good luck.

P.s. Stats are meaningless in this situation, you obviously have your reasons as a coach to play who you want, when you want. Parents can rationalize anything with stats so I wouldn't even try to justify your position using them. Focus on what she needs to work on and help her in her development. It's 10u, if it's not developing skills for all players, than at what age is it done? Something to think about.

WARRIORMIKE · Jul 13, 2015

Keep it short and simple.

" Your services are no longer needed here. Thank you for support"

Shake hands and see them go off to the wild blue yonder!

chinamigarden · Jul 13, 2015

sydneyellenwade said:
This is what I drafted to send them. Any thoughts? This has been extremely helpful guys!

Now that I've had some time to cool down, I wanted to respond to you regarding what was said after the game.

First of all, conversations of this nature with coaches (of any sport) need to be player initiated and take place privately on a non-game day. You are doing your own child a disservice by confronting Bill and I in front of other parents and players. It undermines our role as coaches, and is quite disrespectful. It does more damage to the team to have parents making a scene, then it does good for your child.

Secondly, I have been hearing complaints for some time from other parents who are offended by what you say in the stands about other girls on the team. I absolutely will not name names, but can tell you that I have been approached privately by five different sets of parents who are concerned and frankly, pretty pissed off about what they are hearing coming out of your mouths during games. These are 10-11 year old girls - and are by nature unpredictable. Comparing them out loud or commenting on their play in a negative way is hurtful to parents and to the kids themselves, who most of the time can hear what is being said on the field.

I spent most of my afternoon on Friday trying to address your concerns over email. I thought we had come to some sort of resolution whereby you understood that there is no favoritism, and that we as coaches are always evaluating girls based on their abilities and their work in practice, and that we put them in positions that we feel are the best for the team versus the given opponent. I asked you to trust us and the process. Clearly I was wrong in assuming that you had agreed to do that.

I am very sorry to say this because Player is a very sweet girl who we enjoy coaching, but we will not be asking her back for the 2015-16 season. Dealing with your constant complaints, accusations of unfairness, and brazen confrontational behavior in front of other parents/kids is something we just do not want to take with us up to 12U. Player is of course is welcome to finish the season out with us, but we wanted to give you enough notice to start looking for another option for her for next season.

You can write that, read it a couple of times and then throw it away. It does you no good. I am a huge believer in short and sweet If it takes more then a minute you are doing it wrong, it it includes reasons you are doing it wrong, if it includes any fact or opinion that can be argued you are doing it wrong.

Due to our repeated discussions involving suzies position on our team, the organization has decided that suzy would be better served playing for a team that will use her in a manner that fits your expectations and goals. good luck

chinamigarden · Jul 13, 2015

sydneyellenwade said:
The parents have already expressed their desire to have their daughter stay on our team.

I love the idea of banishing them to center field. I have another parent who can't keep her mouth shut...maybe they can have a little party there.

We are having a parent meeting before our next practice to talk about next year. We are going to have the parent contracts there at that time.

We are playing a late tournament, so tryouts for our organization start 3 days after the end of our last game.

If your tryouts are later then everyone elses, you have to tell them prior to normal tryout season, to keep her around for that last tourney and then tell them would be bad.

CoogansBluff · Jul 13, 2015

I wouldn't send that email. ...

My suggestion is to make it something that can't be debated. Something like, ''We don't see eye to eye, and it causes me a lot of stress. I'm not willing to coach under that stress again. The only solution I see is that I coach without you and your daughter this season. I regret that.''

That way, you're not blaming them for the problem. You're just stating the facts - you don't see eye to eye (can't be debated), he causes you stress (can't be debated), you are unwilling to coach under that stress again (can't be debated).

Then, he has little to argue with you about. And if he finds things to argue, keep going back to those 3 points - We don't agree, you cause me stress, I'm not doing it again. Broken record.

sluggers · Jul 13, 2015

Too verbose. If you're going to do it in an email (and I wouldn't), keep it short and blunt, no wiggle room for arguing:

"Dear Parent, this email/letter/whatever is to inform you that we will not be asking Player back for the 2015-16 season. Your behavior in front of other parents and players exhibits poor sportsmanship, and is not something we want to take with us to the next level. We wanted to give you enough notice to start looking for another option for her for next season."

Still too verbose:

"Dear Parent: Good bye. Thanks for everything."

Difficult Parents - how to handle?

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