Now you're just being an rear hat for people not automatically agreeing with you...
Coaching Boundaries
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Now you're just being an rear hat for people not automatically agreeing with you...
As long as the parents knew this is what they were signing their child up for. For me, there are enough lessons to be taught by team sports that I'd prefer to insulate my child from the moral proselytization and judgments of others. Just my 2 cents.
Well said, Ken
What are the rules and goals? What has been stated by the coaches about the purpose and vision of the team?
Frankly, I don't think a kids' grades are the coaches' business, either. But that's fairly innocuous and not many will take issue with that sort of rule.
Here's the bottom line, IMO -- A coach can be what the parents agree that the coach will be. If they have endorsed the coach as guidance counselor, then you are free to be that. But I think this thread is evidence that this is not what most parents are expecting when they sign up their kids. So unless you make it very clear what you intend to provide, and the parents sign off on it, then you have to tread carefully.
And finally, you don't have to make it about more than softball to have a huge impact on kids. All it takes is a good role model who treats people with respect and genuinely cares about kids and serves and fosters their agenda.
Having a daughter let me first say that if you, as the coach, could see it then the parent probably can too. With that being said if the parent has no issue right or wrong then so be it. Of course some kids are going to do what they want regardless of what their parents say. That being said I would not have a problem with a coach commenting on the issue with DD, within good taste that is. Another view from someone other than mom or dad is sometimes all that is needed to help them see the big picture and get the point across.
There is nothing wrong with telling a girl that like it or not those things can send the wrong message to college coaches or employers who may be interested in your services in the future. Heck, these young girls don't think about that when doing this stuff. To them it is cool advertising that they have a boyfriend or somebody loves them. Kind of like a tattoo of sorts, but if they feel that others have a vested interest in them and truly care the issue may take care of itself.
That being said if you covered that issue, or similar ones, up front in terms of hygiene, code of conduct, moral clauses or dress code then address it appropriately.
There is nothing wrong with telling a girl that like it or not those things can send the wrong message to college coaches or employers who may be interested in your services in the future. Heck, these young girls don't think about that when doing this stuff. To them it is cool advertising that they have a boyfriend or somebody loves them. Kind of like a tattoo of sorts, but if they feel that others have a vested interest in them and truly care the issue may take care of itself.
That being said if you covered that issue, or similar ones, up front in terms of hygiene, code of conduct, moral clauses or dress code then address it appropriately.
Short and uncomfortable discussion, that the girls is usually pretty ticked off? What specifically, as a coach, do you say to 14 year old girls to make sure that they feel afterwards that they are "better that that?" I'm pretty sure that as a parent I would have a huge problem with a coach shaming my daughter and talking to her about anything that makes her "uncomfortable."
I would much prefer that a coach came to me and said, hey your daughter has hickeys on her neck. Please have her attempt to cover them before practices. It's causing a distraction.
No, illegal is illegal, you either break the law or you don't. Your opinion of the act and the consequences is what is subjective.
I speed, every day, to and from work, I do not speed in known speed traps. I will pay the 220$ for 15mph over. My 14u player doing 15mph over, they would tell stories four years about the hellfire and damnation raining from the heavens.
I differ from some of the opinions here in that I would be equally unaccepting of a player drinking which by the way is up to 6 months in jail and a 1860$ fine. If you know about it so does every player on the team. And I will not have that influence on the team.
If you want to be the devil's advocate, what if said hickey was from a 40yr old pervert? I don't know about coaching, but in other youth leadership roles I have been in you are also guilty of a crime if you don't report it. What if it is a 20yr old man? Any less wrong?
- Dec 20, 2012
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This is one of the few times that I agree with OILF! But practice uniforms are part of equipment has nothing to do with kids personal life outside his practice. Now if the hickey is such a huge distraction I really have no problem with him asking her to cover it. But what if it was a tattoo? You see the pretty regularly, even on under age kids 16-17. These are permanent parts of their bodies' so what say does coach have? Get it removed? No chance! Cover it up? I say yes that is his right. Look at so many HS basketball players that are taped up to cover their ink.
And "sexuality suggestive"? Have you seen what track teams, cheerleaders wear? Much more suggestive than a hickey.
- Feb 3, 2011
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Although nothing can be completely controlled, the team's manager or HC has the right to decide what sort of culture they want, which will often reflect in the types of conversations that are happening in the dugout. If teen girls want to discuss their entry in the world of physical intimacy and relationships, we're not going to stop them, NOR SHOULD WE. But the adults in charge of a team DO have the right to have some control over what's discussed in the dugout. What they do or talk about away from games and practice is not our concern, I totally agree, so long as when they report for softball, they're ready to perform and not be a distraction.
As for the conversation an adult mentor might have with a minor child not their own, even if a parent disagrees, I want the young women in my charge to know their worth. There are ways for coaches to reinforce this message that have nothing to do with "shaming" a kid. Nor is it an attempt to replace a parent or do the parent's job. I know many, but certainly not all, of the motivations behind kiss marks for both boys and girls, but speaking as the parent of a young woman, I'm not at all cool with the notion of some boy attempting to "mark his territory" or claim a "conquest".
The standards in your house may vary, but while I totally agree that a woman - not her parents - owns her body and her sexuality and that they are hers to do with as she pleases, I would be remiss if I did not gently encourage her to make sure anyone she chooses to share them with values her as much as she values herself.
This can be accomplished without making any reference whatsoever to a "hickey".
As for the conversation an adult mentor might have with a minor child not their own, even if a parent disagrees, I want the young women in my charge to know their worth. There are ways for coaches to reinforce this message that have nothing to do with "shaming" a kid. Nor is it an attempt to replace a parent or do the parent's job. I know many, but certainly not all, of the motivations behind kiss marks for both boys and girls, but speaking as the parent of a young woman, I'm not at all cool with the notion of some boy attempting to "mark his territory" or claim a "conquest".
The standards in your house may vary, but while I totally agree that a woman - not her parents - owns her body and her sexuality and that they are hers to do with as she pleases, I would be remiss if I did not gently encourage her to make sure anyone she chooses to share them with values her as much as she values herself.
This can be accomplished without making any reference whatsoever to a "hickey".
My first thought was heck no, no coach of my dd is going to give her a lecture on morality. But then I stopped and thought about it, and I tried to imagine the conversation in the voice of my dd's coaches. And frankly I could hear 2 of them say it in a way of an uncle talking to a niece, and both of those coaches have known her since she was 8-9. Then I heard a morality based rant from a couple of her other coaches.
So I guess it all depends on the person saying it and how its said and the relationship they have with my dd. If its a serious sit down and there are consequences for coming to practice like that... then I would have a problem with it. But if its a hey what's up with that sort of thing, then I probably wouldn't care.
So I guess it all depends on the person saying it and how its said and the relationship they have with my dd. If its a serious sit down and there are consequences for coming to practice like that... then I would have a problem with it. But if its a hey what's up with that sort of thing, then I probably wouldn't care.
Just my .02 We have a player on our current 16u team that drinks and parties with her friends until all hours of the night. She posts selfies and so forth on social media about the wild things she does. I have said nothing to her nor has any of the other coaches. Do I feel it's right? Of course not. But I feel it's not my place to raise her. I am there as a coach and to do what's right for the team. So if she comes to a tournament hungover or tired, she doesn't play (this has only happened once BTW, after that it's never happened again). Not because she had been drinking and partying, but because her lack of performance will hurt the team which is how it was explained to her.
She often wonders why her HS coach won't put her on Varsity or why, as extremely talented in the game as she is, isn't being recruited by colleges. The only thing I have said when asked is that there are consequences to her actions and posting to social media for everyone to see isn't the smartest thing to do.
I would like to think that her parents know of her behavior via the postings, but again, I don't feel it's my place to inform them if they don't. Who knows, they may know and just don't care. I know many parents that just want to be left alone at the end of the day and figure their kids are old enough to take care of themselves as I'm sure many of you do also. Again, is it right? IMO, no it isn't. But they're not mine and it's not my responsibility to tell them how to raise their children.
So if she came to practice with a hickey or something of that nature, I would say something along the lines of college recruiters won't like to see that and leave it at that. Who am I to try and tell her anything other than that? IMO, it's her parents' responsibility to pay attention to what she's doing and when, reign her in and if need be, punish her, not mine nor anyone elses.
Edit to Add: It's been said it takes a village to raise a child. I disagree. It only really takes parents heavily involved in their childrens' lives.
She often wonders why her HS coach won't put her on Varsity or why, as extremely talented in the game as she is, isn't being recruited by colleges. The only thing I have said when asked is that there are consequences to her actions and posting to social media for everyone to see isn't the smartest thing to do.
I would like to think that her parents know of her behavior via the postings, but again, I don't feel it's my place to inform them if they don't. Who knows, they may know and just don't care. I know many parents that just want to be left alone at the end of the day and figure their kids are old enough to take care of themselves as I'm sure many of you do also. Again, is it right? IMO, no it isn't. But they're not mine and it's not my responsibility to tell them how to raise their children.
So if she came to practice with a hickey or something of that nature, I would say something along the lines of college recruiters won't like to see that and leave it at that. Who am I to try and tell her anything other than that? IMO, it's her parents' responsibility to pay attention to what she's doing and when, reign her in and if need be, punish her, not mine nor anyone elses.
Edit to Add: It's been said it takes a village to raise a child. I disagree. It only really takes parents heavily involved in their childrens' lives.
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