As coaches, please tell me...

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Apr 29, 2013
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My 14 year old daughter had her first tournament with her new team this past weekend. She had the worst playing weekend in a very long time. She is beside herself.

On a personal level, my poor daughter is dealing with something very difficult (and very personal) in her home life that no kid should have to deal with. It all came to a head on Saturday morning, just before warm ups. It clearly affected her, but she wanted to play. She didn't want to let her team down. But she was emotionally injured and it showed.

She can only imagine what her coach thinks of her after this weekend. She fears he thinks he will regret choosing her, and feels awful. I tell her it's just one weekend. There will be many more. That doesn't seem to help.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell the coach what happened? I don't want to tell anyone about our problems, and I don't want to seem like I'm making excuses. But a part of me feels like maybe he needs to be aware. I don't know. It's tearing me up.

My poor girl. She works so hard and now this.
 
At 14U, it's her decision to speak with the coach or not. You can guide her with how she approaches the discussion if she chooses to have it, but she needs to hold herself accountable and fight her own fights (not that this is a "fight" per se, just a euphemism). Totally OK if she chooses to move forward without the conversation, as well. It just needs to be her decision.

Please give her my best.
 
Jul 23, 2014
195
16
I'm not a coach but I will say that as a parent I think it is very important to have an open line of communication with the coach for many reasons. It was probably somewhat obvious your DD wasn't herself to the coach. I think you can share that your DD was struggling with some personal stuff without sharing too much detail. I think most good coaches would be understanding but I would try and assure the coach that this wouldn't be a long term issue. If it might be a long term issue that she will struggle with then that would be a different conversation.
 
Jun 27, 2011
5,089
0
North Carolina
I don't agree w/ a blanket rule that parents must never discuss these sort of issues with coaches, but I do think you play those cards judiciously and rarely. This being one weekend, I wouldn't play it here.

Sounds like your biggest concern, aside from your daughter obviously, is that you don't know these coaches well enough to be assured that they're going to value her as a kid and not just her performance. This year has been the first where I've not been a coach or influential person in the workings of my DD's travel team, and that's always been my concern - will they care about her, or is it all about performance? Are they not going to like her as much if she's not as good as they thought? Those are normal reactions. I've tried to be careful not to act on my urges to make excuses for her (even if valid). Just gotta trust in your kid and hope for the best out of her coaches.
 
May 17, 2012
2,804
113
I never judge players on one particular tournament, especially in the fall. Some play well, some have a bad weekend, regardless of the reasons.

With regards to 14 year old girls, there could be numerous reasons why they don't play well.

Practices plus games give a better indicator of where a player is at. Repeated poor performance would warrant a discussion with the player and then the parents.
 

sluggers

Super Moderator
Staff member
May 26, 2008
7,132
113
Dallas, Texas
I don't know what to do. Should I tell the coach what happened?

You need some perspective on this. I'm sure what your child experienced was terrible. But, a lot of bad things happen to a lot of kids. It is not like your DD is the first child to ever have had a bad weekend.

Most coaches at the 14U level are aware that any kid can have a terrible weekend. (If the coach doesn't know this, then you have a whole different problem on your hands.)

My advice would be to be frank with your DD:

"You didn't play well. You need to play better next weekend. I know you can do it. You know you can do it. You have to prove it on the field."
 
Feb 3, 2011
1,880
48
I hope that your DD is doing well. I'm glad to hear that she wanted to go out and contribute to her team and that she was able to give that effort.

As with most things in all aspects of our lives, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. While I generally prefer for kids to speak directly to the coaches, there are some issues where it might be more appropriate for a parent to give a coach a heads-up about what might be going on at home. There's no obligation on the parent or player to share anything they don't want, but it's ok to give a coach a little info regardless of whether they want to know. I like to think that most coaches honestly care about their players outside of softball.

Other coaches and parents will disagree with me, but I have no problem with a kid saying, "Hey Coach, I'm not 100% today, so I don't feel ready to start. But I'll be ready to go in and give the team all I've got if my number is called."
 
Sep 24, 2013
696
0
Midwest
Us coaches should truly care about our athletes as young ladies. If something is affected her life we can offer an open ear and as needed positive and proper advice. This builds trust when applied properly and every team needs trust.

Hopefully your coaches believe in these philosophies : Home Search for Trust
 

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