As coaches, please tell me...

I had a student last year, who was being forced (by the court system) to see her abusive father. The girl was in 8th grade and she didn't want anyone to know that her father had hit her. I felt like the coach needed to know why she was missing practice, but the young lady was being forced into enough bad situations - so, coach was clueless.

Good luck. Life sucks, sometimes.

How about just saying "I have a personal problem, that we are working through. I will not let it effect the team, again." ??

I think it's important to remember when making recommendations in a situation like this that not all kids are the same, especially at 14U. Some are more mature and confident than others, especially when dealing with adults they don't know well. To say the player should do it and the parents stay out of it is presuming a lot when we know little about the people involved.

It becomes even more difficult for some players to approach coaches when it has to do with personal, private matters. We're not talking about playing time or other field-related issues. We're talking about something significant enough that the OP did not want to spell it out. Seems to me it's probably better handled between adults than forcing a player who is already having a tough time dealing with something to expose that to a coach she's just starting to play for.

In a case like this, I would like to know ahead of time so I can watch out for the player at the tournament. Playing ball should be a relief from real-life worries, not adding to them. But not everyone can compartmentalize that way, so it could affect her play. If I knew ahead of time I might also be sure that I, my coaches, or a trusted team leader are looking out for her throughout the day.

I'd still want to know after the fact, if for no reason to assure me that what I saw at tryouts is who I will be getting eventually. She'll still have to perform on the field going forward, but I'd at least like to know there was some external stimulus happening. You could even say she knows she can't let it affect her and needs to perform on the field, but she just wasn't prepared for what happened that day.

Hope whatever it is becomes more manageable for her, and that better days lie ahead, on and off the field.

Cecelia said:

My 14 year old daughter had her first tournament with her new team this past weekend. She had the worst playing weekend in a very long time. She is beside herself.

On a personal level, my poor daughter is dealing with something very difficult (and very personal) in her home life that no kid should have to deal with. It all came to a head on Saturday morning, just before warm ups. It clearly affected her, but she wanted to play. She didn't want to let her team down. But she was emotionally injured and it showed.

She can only imagine what her coach thinks of her after this weekend. She fears he thinks he will regret choosing her, and feels awful. I tell her it's just one weekend. There will be many more. That doesn't seem to help.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell the coach what happened? I don't want to tell anyone about our problems, and I don't want to seem like I'm making excuses. But a part of me feels like maybe he needs to be aware. I don't know. It's tearing me up.

My poor girl. She works so hard and now this.

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You need to let the coach know what is going on. Not every detail but it is critical that they know something is up. Trust me, as a coach I do not want to know all the details. Also there is nothing wrong with a private conversation between the parent and the coach and keeping the kid out of it. She is after all a kid and you are the parent so it is your call. These things happen. Together you work through it and get stronger.

As a coach, I do appreciate a head's up whenever one of our players has an issue that the parents feel will impact her focus, performance, whatever... We are now at the 16u level, so I typically prefer the player coming to me directly with questions and concerns, but if the issue is a personal matter, a quick discussion with a parent is fine. And I definitely don't need specifics. Just a "having a tough time at home or school" is good enough for me. That said, if someone wants to discuss something deeper, I will not turn them away. I have known every girl on our team (with one exception) for multiple years, so we are a little closer than many TB teams out there. Hopefully her coaches realize that her life off the field is more important than her life on the field. Good luck with everything.

As a classroom teacher, I always appreciated a heads up, even if I was just told of the problem in general terms.

Cecelia said:

That is exactly what I am afraid of. I don't want it to look like I am making excuses for her.

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Honestly, telling the coach of an issue 'after the fact' makes you look bad … not only can it be perceived as an excuse, but it can also be perceived as selfish for not being candid in the first place.

If the weekend was truly a fluke then next time her normal performance will stand out as being night and day different.

On the other hand, if her performance was normal, yet sub-standard, and you make an excuse now ... then you'll be remembered as an excuse maker.

Don't be afraid to let your daughter's performance speak for her abilities. A positive trait to nourish and carry forward into her school and future jobs.

Amy in AZ. said:

As a classroom teacher, I always appreciated a heads up, even if I was just told of the problem in general terms.

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I agree here, as a coach I NEED to know "what's" going on. That doesn't mean I need to know every detail, just don't make it uncomfortable for the team when lil Sally is crying in the dugout. As a father of a DD, we can be more of a shoulder/support and manage the situation, if we know a little ahead of time.

I've delt with physical abuse, divorce, dog dying, boyfriend breakup, death, menstrual cycles, alcohol or drug abusive parent(s)................all of which are difficult enough without being in the dark. I always welcomed their trust and respected their privacy, while I managed 12 other girls having problems of their own.

FiveFrameSwing said:

Honestly, telling the coach of an issue 'after the fact' makes you look bad … not only can it be perceived as an excuse, but it can also be perceived as selfish for not being candid in the first place.

If the weekend was truly a fluke then next time her normal performance will stand out as being night and day different.

On the other hand, if her performance was normal, yet sub-standard, and you make an excuse now ... then you'll be remembered as an excuse maker.

Don't be afraid to let your daughter's performance speak for her abilities. A positive trait to nourish and carry forward into her school and future jobs.

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FFS great point and you touch on a raw nerve for me. As a coach few things tick me off more than a player who is less than 100% not advising me as such. I see it a very selfish and borderline dishonest. If for whatever reason you are not 100% the coach needs to know. It is not fair to everyone involved to conceal the information and hope for the best. Let the coach know so they can make an informed decision.

Thank you all for the advice. I have read all of your replies and am taking them to heart. This is a really hard situation that I wish none of us had to deal with.

The softball will work itself out, I just hope the situation improves for her.