Escalation of Commitment

"Escalation of commitment refers to a pattern of behavior in which an individual or group will continue to rationalize their decisions, actions, and investments when faced with increasingly negative outcomes rather than alter their course."

We've all been there: over bidding on an eBay item; continuing to repair the car that should be sold or scrapped; fishing; owning a boat...

I didn't know this was a "thing" until recently, and I find that it describes much of human behavior that I've found puzzling for a long time. This especially includes my own behavior. That said, having it defined for me has helped to make me more aware of when I'm falling into the trap. I am learning to cut bait sooner.

Escalation of commitment also describes me and DD playing softball. I have put a lot of time, effort, and money into DD's playing - just like most of us here. I have done so even when she has resisted putting in the extra effort, because she gets so excited over the moments when that effort pays off.

The thing is, DD's resistance hasn't lessened, hasn't changed in the 2 years or so since she initially expressed a desire to "get better" and make one of our select teams. Last night was a perfect example: she's got indoor live pitching league starting on Saturday, she's been picked up as catcher for a local TB team for this league, and when we went to the basement to practice she showed zero interest, was moping around and shuffling her feet. We had the same conversation we've had too many times over the past 2 years: she doesn't want to "get" better, she wants to simply "be" better; she's unwilling to take a risk (practice something new or difficult) for fear of making a mistake; she won't listen to any input and wants to do everything her way vs what she's been coached to do. This last is a defense mechanism - she knows the correct way, refuses to do it correctly, and so has a built in excuse for failure.

I feel like I've failed her, that somehow I've created this character flaw in her where she will never take a risk because she might look bad. I don't know how to put her in a position to take a risk and fail and learn to be OK with that.

I also recognize that, at 13 she needs to be responsible for some of her choices. So last night, instead of practice, I talked to her about how having the same conversation every time there's practice (whether it be softball, her music - she's really talented, school, Girl Scouts) has gotten to be too tiring for me. Be sure that I told her that I loved her with all my heart and always would, no matter what. But I also told her that there'd be no NECC camp, no hitting lessons, no clinics, that I will not be investing in her softball any more outside of registration fees for rec IF she wants to play at all. I told her I won't be dragging her down stairs for practices, and that I will be spending the extra time on other things like the stack of books in my office that need reading. I told she should probably not try out for the MS team (that I coach) because it's more hard work than she's ever done, and I won't have an attitude problem on my team - especially one from my own DD. I was gentle, but honest. I put it on her - if she wants to get better, she must be the one to initiate.

And it hurts me worse than it hurts her to walk away from all of it. I think that means that I was pushing her for the wrong reasons, that I'd escalated my commitment beyond a healthy level.

Maybe in the future she'll work through the fear of risk. I hope so. For now, I'm coaching my teams and she won't be on them (which was something she needed anyway).

Apologies for the length, but this was the first time I'd laid out the entire issue for myself.

We can't want it more than they do. Sounds like you're doing what's best for both of you right now. You never know, it might be the incentive she needs to improve on her own. Or maybe not. Either way though, I think it sounds like a good plan to be on at her age.

BuckeyeGuy said:

I feel like I've failed her, that somehow I've created this character flaw in her where she will never take a risk because she might look bad. I don't know how to put her in a position to take a risk and fail and learn to be OK with that.

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The fact that she's not willing to work hard at it, or delay gratification while she pursues the high-level swing, might be signs of a character flaw, but I strongly doubt it. It's more likely that she just enjoys herself as she is. It's not that important to most 13-year-olds to be the best they can be at everything they do, or reach their full potential, unless parents make them that way, and that's often not a good idea (not saying you're doing that, but as a general observation). I suspect that if she found something she wanted much more that you'd find she does have the ability to work hard and delay gratification. Maybe she hasn't found her thing yet. I think that's OK. Others believe kids must have some passion at all times. I don't. Casual participation in things is underrated in childhood these days, IMO. Give 'em time. They'll figure it out.

I've have been were you are and done that unfortunately, but you are in a harder spot being the MS coach.

I assume she does not have a choice about where she goes to school, as such it is my opinion (for your to trash if you want) that it is not fair to tell her not to try out for the MS team, I can't imagine how awkward it would be to cut your DD unless the team is no cut. She should not be deprived of the opportunity to play with her friends and enjoy time on the team just because her dad is the coach, if she is one of the best nine she should play if not since this is MS ball and not Varsity athletics I would assume should would be in some sort of rotation with the rest of the girls, lean heavily on your assistants coaches when evaluating her because I promise you that you are harder on her than they will be.

My DD does not put forth any effort, when she does ask which is rarely I'll always go and play catch or go to the cages. She is a junior and will probably be on JV again this year and does not play travel (at this point lacking all the practice she probably could not make a team) but she was the MVP of the JV team and she is happy with that so you know what so am I, in addition I only missed one game last year and was always there to give her my support. She still kids me about missing that game (it was over an hour away and my work schedule could not swing it) of course it is the game she hits a HR (no fence) just over the OF head far enough they could't run it down but a HS HR none the less.

I wish you the best.

CoogansBluff said:

Maybe she hasn't found her thing yet. I think that's OK. Others believe kids must have some passion at all times. I don't. Casual participation in things is underrated in childhood these days, IMO. Give 'em time. They'll figure it out.

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I'm hoping that's the case. I recall being pretty good at baseball and music, but I was never pushed. Now I wish I had been pushed, at least a little. But I'm thinking that, as grc said above, I wanted it more than her. Now it's going to be up to her to want it.

BuckeyeGuy, great post. Thank you.

djcarter1966 said:

I've have been were you are and done that unfortunately, but you are in a harder spot being the MS coach.

I assume she does not have a choice about where she goes to school, as such it is my opinion (for your to trash if you want) that it is not fair to tell her not to try out for the MS team, I can't imagine how awkward it would be to cut your DD unless the team is no cut. She should not be deprived of the opportunity to play with her friends and enjoy time on the team just because her dad is the coach, if she is one of the best nine she should play if not since this is MS ball and not Varsity athletics I would assume should would be in some sort of rotation with the rest of the girls, lean heavily on your assistants coaches when evaluating her because I promise you that you are harder on her than they will be.

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It's not no-cut, though it's rare that we have enough girls that we need to cut. It just so happens that this season is probably one of them, though. I have coached all of the girls trying out at one point or another, and most of them for several years through rec ball. I know where DD falls on the talent spectrum: top 3 fielding, middle of the pack hitting, top 3 game smarts and base running. It's not a question of talent/skill, it's attitude: when she goes 100%, she is top notch. It's just very rare for her to go 100%.

I wish I could get her under another coach - and she will be this summer for rec ball. I'm coaching 12U again and she's aged up to 14U. But for MS, it's me and the 8th grade coach, we have no assistants.

Sounds like my 11 year old. She plays baseball. She goes to team practices and plays well in games but has no real drive. She never practices outside of team practices. We used to encourage her to practice more on her own time but if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. More free time for me I guess.

Sometimes, people need a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, they need a kick in the pants. So, I'll give you both:

SYMPATHY

My DD#3 quit playing softball when she was a sophomore in HS. It broke my heart. I was very upset...she had more natural talent for pitching than DD#1...and DD#1 was very, very good.

So, I understand that you are grieving for the loss. You put a lot of time and effort into softball, and what you wanted for her isn't going to happen. It hurts.

KICK IN THE PANTS
[
Get over your little pity party,

After DD#3 quit softball, I took the time and money that I was spending on softball and put it into what DD#3 wanted...hoops. About six years later, I'm holding the D3 National Championship basketball trophy. Her picture was featured in the NCAA basketball yearbook. She has a letter of recommendation from the college president. She gets to wear a national championship ring. In 30 days, they are having a party at her alma mater celebrating the 10th anniversary of the championship.

*DD#3* was right. I was wrong She knew what was best for her. She needed my guidance, my help, and my "structured approach" to excel, but her decision was correct.

As a father, you are viewing her through your experience at 13YOA. Girls are much more mature at 13YOA than boys...she is more like you were at 16YOA or 17YOA.

So:

1) Your DD knows she is very talented in music. She knows that she has something no one else has.
2) She knows she isn't "that" good at softball.
3) She knows that she doesn't have the time to specialize in both music and softball.
4) She wants to do music.
5) She likely is afraid of hurting her hands...which is a rational, reasonable fear.
6) She understands that you are really like softball, but she doesn't.
7) She doesn't know how to "let you down easy".

She wants to be a musician...than you should go all in.

Put her into music camp. Buy her the best equipment available. Get her the best instructors. Push her...make sure she practices. Put her in competitions against people better than her.

It will be good for you too. It is time for you to learn about something new. Expand your universe a little.

If it helps at all, my 13yo DD is a lot like yours in many ways. I had many of the same thoughts as in your post, like effort needed to be all or nothing. All didn't make either of us happy, and nothing would have punished us both needlessly... and I'm sure created many regrets later in life. So I just backed off, told her it's her decision to be as good as she wants to be by working (or not) as hard as she wants to at whatever interests her. To my dismay she has given up piano, soccer, and even rec basketball. However, she has picked up her pace on how hard she works at school and softball, and is rekindling her passion for painting. And last night, she was trying to learn a new song on the piano... on her own with nobody telling her to practice, etc.

Maybe try to let her do what she wants and choose her own commitment level and just be there for her if she asks to practice or work out. At this age, they know nothing is given without working for it, so maybe she just wants to play without being the best. In 20-30 years, would you rather look back and remember having her play for your MS team for a couple years and all the great times you had just enjoying the time with her, or will the lesson you taught her by not letting her play for you be worth it? Will you have regrets about that decision?

Maybe there is middle ground you can find?

I think the toughest thing for me about having a 13 (almost 14 year old) is she's not this little girl anymore. She's smart and maturing and can make decisions; and I have to let her so she can gain those experiences, consequences, and rewards. Let go a little, but don't push her away.