Dealing with Upperclassmen making it hard on DD

My daughter started her freshman and sophomore year and received all-conference, all-district honors both years. She never had any trouble at all with Seniors in either of those years. None at all. Now that she is going in to her Junior Year the girls that are now Seniors are bullying her. I think that is because she is only one year younger than them but has always beat them out on the team for spots. It is pure jealousy. They single her out at every practice and try to get her to fail with fielding. She rarely does make an error during these practices and it just makes them target her more. There were threats made against her to kick her butt (they used the other word), they call her lude names and she is to the point she wants to quit HS softball. She is not a quitter, this is not her personality at all. The coach was informed by several anonymous calls from concerned parents and the whole team was sat down and talked to. The coach asked if anyone felt bullied. My daughter stood up and said that she did and told the coach what was going on. The coach had the audicity to lump my daughter in with the bullies and say they were all being childish! Called the victim of bullying childish. The threats have stopped but the name calling continues but is not so bad. Now they say things like "she thinks she is such a bad a**, look at her out there" in reference to a fielding drill. She is getting mentally tougher every day and has decided that she is not going to let these 2 girls ruin her chances of playing in college.

The thing that frustrates my the most is that both of these girls have just as much athletic ability as my daughter. There is absolutely no reason for them to be jealous of my daughter. If they would spend just half the time they worry about my daughter practicing softball, showing up for practice, showing up at competitive team practices, then they would be every bit as good, if not better than my daughter. They are really just hurting themselves and that saddens me. Also, when they target her in practices and they get a little group of followers to go along with them and they are all throwing balls at my daughter it actually gives her more practice and helps her to get better.

My concern is for my daughters mental well being. How long can one tolerate this treatment? Especially knowing now that the coaches think she is childish when she stands up for herself? What she did was anything but childish. She stood up in front of her peers and reported being bullied. No one said a word because some were afraid they would get bullied or didn't want to make waves with the coaches. I just don't know where to go from here because I don't want my daughter or myself labeled as trouble makers or complainers. I guess she will just have to deal with the fact that this happens and that it will make her a stronger person once its all said and done. I just don't want her thinking she has to be a door mat or that being talked to that way is ok. Where do I draw the line as a parent?

How is playing HS ball related to playing in college? She does not have to play HS to play college. Have her talk to the coach in private and simply state that she is sick of it and if the coach cannot create a non hostile team environment then she will simply not play, or if it happens again she is punching one of the bitches in the face. His choice but she is done putting up with it. I am not being glib either, if this happens to my daughters in HS it is the same advice I will give them.

anonmom said:

Also, when they target her in practices and they get a little group of followers to go along with them and they are all throwing balls at my daughter it actually gives her more practice and helps her to get better.

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If this was happening in the open to my DD, I would inform the coach that "the first time I get the call that my DD has been hit in the head and is on her way to the hospital, you're going to need to contact a lawyer for allowing it to happen."

I agree that a player should go to the coach to get something resolved (or at least try). But this is outside of routine high school BS...if this is truly happening...

UPDATE: DD made the HS Varsity team as a Freshman. Although she was better than the Senior catcher, she wasn't better "enough" than the Senior to justify, in their eyes, replacing the Senior with a Freshman. I can certainly understand that. That being said, the Seniors on the team, there are 8, were absolutely great to DD. They welcomed her and treated her with respect. The ones that were absolutely atrocious to her were the one Sophomore LF and the Junior 3rd Baseperson. These Underclassmen absolutely terrorized her. Finally, my DD, who is much larger than them told them that if they didn't stop, she was going to find them after school and beat the F#*K out of them (her words and not that she would). Then she reported the abuse to the HC. It continued for another day and since the coach was warned and looking for it, finally caught them. The HC told them in no uncertain terms that if she caught them again, they would be asked to turn in their uniforms on the spot and not be asked to return to the team in the following years. Needless to say, this has caused major stress in the entire situation. Personally, I would have loved to see DD in the parking lot beating the hell out of the Junior just for GP. I know this doesn't solve any problems and only creates more, but I would have gladly dealt with them. Thank God that DD was raised smarter than me.

It is the most difficult thing to do. Be kind to all your teammates.

They are battling for a spot. Battling for playing time. Many think they can advance there position by getting inside the heads of the players they are battling with for playing time. It is natural. However, it is not right.

Letting this mental "bullying' get the better of you is a mistake. There are numerous coping techiniques. First is to keep your mouth shut. Second, is to physically stick up for your self with your body language.

For example, when my DD was a Freshman, there was a Senior who tried to challenge her. First DD did not bite. Second when the Senior got in her face, DD stood her ground, looked her directly in the eye, and said "I am not afraid of you". Stared her down, and beat the Senior in a stare off. It settled after that.

Lastly, do not enter the fray. Speak kindly of others, or do not say anything. As my momma used to say. Kill them with kindness. I use this technique every day in life. Everyone has bosses that can and will be a bully. Look them in the eye, and say something nice. Once a bully realizes their tactics have no value, they soon realize how foolish they are being.

For those who advise their players to quit playing HS ball, because of bullying tactics, are doing her a disservice. She will see the same all throughout her life, and must master the mechanisms behind this behavior, and how to turn a bully onto herself.

Do not be a victim. Master the bullies mind. Once you do, even as a potential victim, you can master the bully. At their core, they are weak people, and can be manipulated against their own behavior once you learn the methods.

I do not get bullied. My DD does not get bullied. Bullies look for weak people to bully. Act strong. And when my boss gets in my face and tries to bully me, because he thinks he can. I will stand toe to toe to him. Look him in the eye. Tell a lighthearted joke. And laugh ... at him. They figure it out real quick.

If another player is throwing a softball in a manner that may get you injured. STOP doing what you are doing. Grab a softball. And calmly walk towards that player. Do not be threatened. Get right eye to eye, and say, "you know, you are a terrific player. So terrific that you are good enough to only throw the ball to me when you are supposed to". Challenge her with your prescence, eyes, and strong mind. The bully will not run. Make the conversation private. Be nice, while at the same time using strong words, and strong eyes.

If others pile on. Do the exact same to each and every one of them. While this is happening the coach HAS to see. If he questions, do the same with him. The whole key to this is a gentle tone of language. Kind words. Private conversations. But forceful in intent. It will stop, rather quickly. Then do not let them bully others. It is the simplest, and most valuable lesson I have ever learned.

In short, bullies are afraid of one on one conversation. They resort to group dynamics to get their way. That is how they bully. That is why they bully. that is their weakness. If a bully targets you, and it surely will be in a group setting, FORCE the issue into a one on one conversation. They will NOT run. And do it with respect and kindness. there will a bunch of others who are on your side, but are afraid.

Deal with it IMMEDIATELY when the bullying behavior surfaces. Once the bully realizes that every attempt to bully you results in a one on one conversation, it will stop. For the reason the bully, bullies, is to keep you away, not come closer. Don't be weak. Don't act hurt. But be strong. Make a joke. "hey that ball you threw got in the sun, if I knew it was coming, maybe I would have a chance at it". But always move closer to the bully, when bullied, not away.