What Parents Should Say as their kids perform--Good Article

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Bucketmom

Psycho for softball!
Feb 13, 2013
342
0
At the fields
That was a good article. We are right there at the part we are starting to back off and encouraging her to lean on the coaches.
She now has a coach who is approachable so when we here "mom" called from the dugout it should only be because she needs another Gatorade.
 
Jul 2, 2013
681
0
That was a good article. We are right there at the part we are starting to back off and encouraging her to lean on the coaches.
She now has a coach who is approachable so when we here "mom" called from the dugout it should only be because she needs another Gatorade.

At 16, I only watch DD from the outfield and cheer when she makes a good play. And then it is only by clapping.

It amazes me how much it changes. I have zero contact with coaches, and have my DD give them the "check". Do not carry bags, nor even get her gatorade any more. Sure I offer to buy some on the way to the game.

These days we often go in separate cars as she has her own. I show up during game time, and leave after the game. Usually she texts me to have dinner or lunch with her and her team (so I can pay). But she has her own allowance and handles everything.

We are still very close, no mom, but she has almost complete independence, and is now choosing her path in life, is making good choices. We are lucky.

And use the words described in the article, to the tee, and exclusively.
 
Last edited:
Jul 6, 2013
371
0
Here's the problem....what if you're the coach too? If the coach is responsible for correction, how do I be a dad and a coach?
 

marriard

Not lost - just no idea where I am
Oct 2, 2011
4,312
113
Florida
Here's the problem....what if you're the coach too? If the coach is responsible for correction, how do I be a dad and a coach?

I always believe these articles go too far - trying to promote the opposite of the non-helicopter, non-insane sports parent. You don't have to be the absolute opposite "We love you no matter what" type parent - there is more to it than that.

There is a middle ground. For most even semi-normal people it is called 'actual parenting' and involves a whole lot of judgment, making mistakes, making great decisions, thinking, feeling and if it is done even 75% well is rewarding for everyone almost all the time - certainly in the long run.

There is also the teaching that the family is making a decision to spend money and time on something for her and we are happy to do so because she wants to do it - but she needs to be responsible and accountable as well. And the option that we do something else is always on the table if that is the direction she wants to go. Sports taught me a lot as a person and I hope it does for my kids as well.

I have coached sports 25 odd years - softball not as long (only since my DD at 6 decided she wanted a glove when her brother got one for some YMCA thing he was doing). Coaching my DD has been interesting and has evolved as she has grown older and the teams change goals and what she is looking to get out of playing. For example - I don't use her as the 'skill demo' kid anymore - though the other coaches do- she doesn't want that from me (no 'picking on her'). It is an adjustment we both made as she gets older.

Also over time, other coaches now teach her skills more than I do now - partly because she wants that but also because she needs that transition to playing for others (most who have more advanced knowledge of the skills she is developing anyway) and I know that over time she is getting closer and closer to the age where she may very well stop listening to me as a coach (or so I am told by the parents of many kids I am coaching as "Their DD is no longer listening to them").

My DD is different from everyone else - so people have to figure out where their kid is and how they are motivated. Mine doesn't want to do an hour of softball practice on non-team practice/game days - but she will do two 15 minute sessions and will go outside and exercise (pool, bike, running around - whatever). There is also an inside facility she loves to go to for hitting/pitching every so often (especially of one of her friends is going). That is her happy medium RIGHT now. It has been both more and less over time. What another DD wants - that is up to her and her parents to figure out.

As a friend of mine likes to say "I am sorry to say this - but there is no easy answer. You are going to have to work."
 
Jun 27, 2011
5,089
0
North Carolina
Marriard - I'm trying to figure out what it is about the article that you object to ...

This is the gist of it ...

''When our kids were younger, we played the role of supervisor. We were right there on top of the issues. And we should be—they were young and needed our support. As they age, parents must move to the role of consultant. We’re still involved, still supportive, but we allow our kids to grow up and self-regulate.''

The article didn't say that the only message parents should have for their children is ''We love you no matter what". But it does consider that message to be the most important one.
 
May 7, 2008
468
0
Morris County, NJ
Here's what Imusually say - "are you hungry, do you want something to eat or do you just want ice cream?" DD's coach @ 11U advised us only to talk about a game/tournament if the player brings it up.

It's a rule we stick too no matter how much you'd want to ask a question. Sometimes what happened comes out the next day, most times not - they're off and onto other things that interest them.
 

marriard

Not lost - just no idea where I am
Oct 2, 2011
4,312
113
Florida
Marriard - I'm trying to figure out what it is about the article that you object to ...
This is the gist of it ...

''When our kids were younger, we played the role of supervisor. We were right there on top of the issues. And we should be—they were young and needed our support. As they age, parents must move to the role of consultant. We’re still involved, still supportive, but we allow our kids to grow up and self-regulate.''

The article didn't say that the only message parents should have for their children is ''We love you no matter what". But it does consider that message to be the most important one.

Well two parts -

First I was replying to CJ D on coaching and being a parent which makes this more complex (see the 1000+ Daddy Ball threads we get here every year).

Secondly - I don't see the 'teaching' and 'setting limits' part that I believe is an extremely important part of being a parent (and I run into way to many people in my area who have decided to ignore this part of parenting). I have never seen myself as purely or even partly a supervisor or a consultant (although you may end up playing parts of these role) - you should be a parent. There are no specific rules for being a parent and every child is different and trying to simplify it down this far I feel can be misleading. As they grow up you give them more and more freedom and you can mentor and consult - but you still as a parent are setting limits and supervising. It is a complex balancing act.

I will give the article's author credit - at least they tried to include something beyond the 'love you' mesage in this article - most similar articles don't even go this far. Btw - I also believe the "I love you no matter what" is a very important message - and the last thing I say to my DD before she takes the field is 'Have fun'.
 
Aug 20, 2013
558
0
I guess for me I am just trying to find some middle ground. My kid is not a TB player. They don't even have that in my area for her age. I know a lot of you here are TB parents and have worked very, very hard. I see coaches and players scream and yell at their kids to the point of tears and while I want to push my kid to do her best, I am not going to wear her down to a nub. I think there's a time to push and a time to just sit back and support. I am trying to figure this out and thought the article was a nice starting point--of course not the end all and be all on the subject. Push at home and in practice. I have't really seen yelling and screaming be very effective during a game, but that is just my experience. Namaste.
 
Jun 27, 2011
5,089
0
North Carolina
Secondly - I don't see the 'teaching' and 'setting limits' part that I believe is an extremely important part of being a parent (and I run into way to many people in my area who have decided to ignore this part of parenting). I have never seen myself as purely or even partly a supervisor or a consultant (although you may end up playing parts of these role) - you should be a parent.

I think we interpreted the article a little differently. I didn't see it as a manual for parenting. I saw it as an article that made a simple point about one aspect of parenting - how we deal with our kids when they are performing. It provided a basic game plan. Parents are there to support and enjoy. Have fun. I love you. Did you have fun? I love you. I love to watch you play. That doesn't mean the game plan can't change if your daughter spits on a teammate. But as a general game plan when it comes to their sports and activities, ''allow our kids to grow up and self-regulate.''
 

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